Really now.

[Liminal Stranger]

Some talk show came on the TV after one of my mom's soap operas, and it was about two trans individuals and their families learning to accept and love them for who they were. Of course, as soon as she saw what it was about, she let out a yell and said she didn't want to see those kind of people on her TV and changed the channel. I asked her why, said that it would be good to see two normal, successful people, and she said it's not normal and that I don't have this. She's honestly going to sit there and tell me I'm not transgender, then turn around and call me a freak, then say I don't have it, then say I'm throwing my life away. Make up your damned mind, and do it with facts instead of the BS stereotypes that every FtM knows from infancy and toddlerhood. But her unwillingness because it "hurts" her to even watch a special about ->-bleeped-<- is ridiculous. How can I show her that it's not a death sentence if she refuses to listen?

[Devlyn]

"How can I show her that it's not a death sentence if she refuses to listen?"

You said it yourself, you show her! Hugs, Devlyn

[Liminal Stranger]

I should do that Clockwork Orange-style, just since we're playing La Gazza Ladre Overture in school 
She's so stubborn and obnoxious, said she would leave an effed-up person like that when I commented that the woman's wife stayed with her, looking past whether her other half would be her husband or her wife. Which is the way people ought to be. She left to go get lunch for us, I'm watching now, and this mom is saying she was scared to watch a story about a young transboy because the story was identical to her son's. The boy on this show is my age, the host commented on how amazing it was that someone so youthful could know (and he started transitioning exactly when I went through a heavy "tomboy" phase because I had finally known what it was that was wrong). I feel his story is my story, the way this other boy's story was his story...I just wish my parents could watch this, it's something they really need. Unaccepting society my eye.

[Bastian]

I'm sorry your mom doesn't accept you. I'm sorry that this has happened the way it has. I have yet to experience being rejected so I can't really offer you any advice on what to do. Each situation is different and must be treated differently. When I was coming out to my parents, I believe my back-up plan for if they refused me was to simply go on living, as I had been, till I was out of school. I remember listening to a man once who was talking about 'when is the the right time to come out as gay?" and he said something about "If your current situation could turn nasty, remember, you have all the time in the world to be gay, after you're independent/out of school." However, being gay and being trans are a bit different. I feel one can be gay and remain a bit more in the closet without it destroying them, but I feel the same can't always be said for a trans individual.

(his YT is DaveyWavey, I recommend you check out his videos if only because he's pretty awesome)

I'm sorry i'm really not much help but I want you to know that while she doesn't understand or seem to care, not everyone is like that and you are going to meet hundreds of people who accept you just the way you are. I've noticed in my own 'travels' that anyone whose my parents age and up (50+) and anyone who is just around my age (20-30) are extremely accepting for the most part. Young kids (3-12) really don't seem to notice or care.

With the western world's life style now I think it's got to be so hard for transphobic and homophobic people to even stand behind their idea of 'right'. When we've got trans individuals in office, gay men on TV, ->-bleeped-<-s running for charity and lesbians with talk shows, I think to myself how can someone continue to be so damn ignorant? I have an ex friend whose the biggest racist i've ever met and all I kept thinking when I was around him is "How can you talk like that, now, in the real and current world?"

In any case, your mom probably isn't actually transphobic, she a) loves you b) doesn't understand c) is afraid. When you get three ruling emotions like love, fear and suspicion all wrapped up it creates a hostile, fierly invasive person. If there is any way at all for you to begin to educate her, take it! My suggestion would be to start leaving literature around. Not like a big honkin' book, but maybe go buy a small recommended book on being trans, give it a read. Then leave it somewhere she might find it. If i'm right and she is experiencing a),b) and c) she'll be deathly curious about your activities and will probably pick up the book and 'snoop' through. If you see her doing it though, don't call her on it, just let her do it. Armed with enough information, she will approach you, or you might notice her attitude starting to change.

I made this offer to another individual on this site who i'll keep anonymous but I offered to send her the full digital copy of the Coming Out Book that I wrote, I will do the same for you if you want it. It's small, 30 pages, and a very easy read. I think when you get a parent who is acting transphobic it can ease their mind a little if they can read about someone else, someone who isn't their own child whose 'going to be ok'. If you get my drift. If you are interested, pm me. I'm currently adding a 'My Life Since Coming Out' chapter just discussing my own personal success as I think it would help people like your mom see that it's not a black hole of doom and gloom, especially not in society as it have evolved.

In any case, stay strong. This isn't the end of the world. Even though I don't know you, I accept you for who you are, and there will be countless others like me in your life-time.

[Liminal Stranger]

Thank you, Bastian. It's a bit hard to find things because floaters make it hard for her to read, plus she doesn't like focusing. I think she's afraid that she did something to give birth to a freak and that this will somehow hurt me, but she just refuses to understand how much she's hurting me. Last night, she started interrogating me on my preferences. Whether I say I like girls or not, she'll use it against me- if I say I don't like girls then I'm obviously not trans, and if I do like girls I'm using it as a cover because I won't admit to being a lesbian. She tells me the conversation is closed and to leave her the f**k alone. It's as if she doesn't understand the concept of feeling desperation to do something to get a move on. 18 isn't as close as it seems, and I won't even be when I'm at college- meaning no name and certainly no marker change before I go there. I wanted the chance to be a normal teenage guy in high school and she's just making things impossible. I don't want two lumps on my chest sticking out all the time, and even though they're fairly small, diy methods refuse to bind them enough to wear anything but huge, baggy shirts. I want to start growing facial hair and building muscle and having my voice change, like all of my cismale friends. I feel like I have this horrible physical condition turning me into a deformed mutant boy who looks like a girl, and my mother deals with it by sticking her head in the sand and watching tv, screaming nonstop if I bring it up. I'm not asking for something terrible, I want to be me on the outside too. I'm so sick of all the BS I go through with her.

[Devlyn]

There's a reason we all move out, subsist on Ramen noodles, have no car, and get our lights shut off for non payment. Because it beats living the way someone else wants you to. The improvements come later! Hugs, Devlyn

[Liminal Stranger]

Hah, no car part implies that I could see over the dashboard of a car without phonebooks or even hold a steering wheel without my knuckles dislocating. My whole body except one ankle is double-jointed, and my skin is stretchy too. Between that and the flat feet, I need physical therapy and orthotics. It's likely that I have a form of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, we'll have to add it to the list of tests. Everything always comes up normal or wrong but inconclusive and I hate that.

Well, I'm used to living in a stingy way because my dad wasn't always so great with the child support. So I guess I'll do that and maybe enlist my boyfriend so we can do computer repairs or something together, he's good at disassembling and reassembling things, and the machines like me so they share their secrets 

Screw lights, I can see in the dark. Hoping for that honors program because that's a full ride to college plus room and board and even a laptop. It just seems so far off...

[Liminal Stranger]

She's just like that, and went and cried to some receptionist on the phone about how I harass her and this started when I was under other stress and that "there was a boy" and all this stuff and I just don't want to live anymore. There's no one who can help me IRL, no one who can cut in and stop her. She acts nice and cordial when others are around and then turns on me, and if I retaliate she takes on the role of this battered victim. I hate life like this, and no suicide help line would be able to get me out of this situation. I don't want to hear about how I'm sick and psychotic anymore, or deal with my body. I've reached the end of my rope with everything. I really don't see what's worth living for, except changing my name and sex in the legal system so I can at least die a male. But hell if that's happening any time soon.

[Leo.]

Dont let her win. She's the one in the wrong, not you. I know many people dont get this but its not fair to treat you this way, her own family. You need to do whats right for you, not stop anything because it doesnt suit her. Its your life to live, not her's to control

[Liminal Stranger]

I used to think the same about my dad, but it was futile. She has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with me if I go through with this, and that nothing will change her mind.

I'd like to have some kind of goal, some close thing to look forward to. I tried really hard to find something to make me happy to be alive. There was nothing. And I don't think meds can help because the only thing causing it is all of the circumstances. I don't know why I bother trying, no one I know offline would miss me for more than a week if I were to not be there anymore.

Point is, I've been sitting in here crying for an hour straight while she sits on the couch, watching TV. This is how it's been, nothing will ever change. No clue what made me think it would. I'm the last family she has that she isn't estranged from, save for my father- and when I go, wherever it may be, so will he. He wants nothing to do with her and I've only dragged them both down. My existence should never have been allowed, she won't let me do anything while I live in her house and the threats of being locked up and therefore never being allowed to transition even when I'm 18 are constant. They loom over me any time I try to help myself, it just makes sense to let her win because I don't want to play anymore.

[FTMDiaries]

I used to think the same about my dad, but it was futile. She has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with me if I go through with this, and that nothing will change her mind.

The problem you face is that you're currently a minor (but this is temporary!) so she currently thinks she holds all the cards. She's determined to make sure you know this so she can force you to submit to her will. But you know what? She only has temporary influence over you. When I had my kids, I realised that I'm not their owner; I'm only their temporary custodian until their true 'owner' comes along. I've always pictured that 'owner' as being their 25-year-old selves and all the decisions I've made have been for that person.

Who is the master of your life? Who is going to make all the decisions that move you forward: decisions about your education, your career, your transition, your choice of partner? Who will pick out your first apartment? Choose your first car? Name your first puppy?

That's right. You. Do you think you'll even bother asking your mother for her advice on these matters, let alone follow it? Do you honestly think she'll be able to dictate to another adult on these matters? She will have absolutely no power to interfere in anything.

Once you've grown up and are able to stand on your own two feet, you'll be making your own decisions based on what you believe to be correct for your life. And you know what? Provided those choices are legal, there is no one who can tell you what you can and can't do. Your mother will not have any power over you. In fact, no adult holds power over another adult, unless that other adult gives their consent.

I'd like to have some kind of goal, some close thing to look forward to. I tried really hard to find something to make me happy to be alive. There was nothing. And I don't think meds can help because the only thing causing it is all of the circumstances. I don't know why I bother trying, no one I know offline would miss me for more than a week if I were to not be there anymore.

There's your goal. The true master of your destiny is yourself as an adult. Picture who you'd like to be at a particular age - say, 25. Think about where you want to live, how you want to live, and what you want to be doing with your life. That is the person whose needs you have to meet. So start taking tiny, baby steps towards fulfilling his needs. Trust me, he'll thank you for it and he'll look back on what it was like to be your age and think "Thank goodness I managed to survive that so I could get to where I am today". He'll be grateful for your strength, your tenacity, and your sense of humour that allowed him to get through all this. He needs you.

Point is, I've been sitting in here crying for an hour straight while she sits on the couch, watching TV. This is how it's been, nothing will ever change. No clue what made me think it would.

I was there too, Max. I was in an abusive, neglectful household from a pretty early age. My teenage years were also dire and like you I couldn't see any way that things would change. The only way I could survive was to keep my head down and work towards getting out so that I could start making my own rules. And you know what? It happened. It happens for all of us. It will change and that change will come sooner than you think. I remember being your age and thinking that my life would never change... but that was 23 years ago. And today? I'm not even on the same continent that I was on back then.

I'm the last family she has that she isn't estranged from, save for my father- and when I go, wherever it may be, so will he.

Not your problem. She's made her own bed, now she has to lie in it. They're adults; you're not responsible for them.

He wants nothing to do with her and I've only dragged them both down.

Again, not your problem. And they've dragged themselves down. Please don't ever blame yourself. You have as much of a right to be yourself as anyone else does.

My existence should never have been allowed, she won't let me do anything while I live in her house and the threats of being locked up and therefore never being allowed to transition even when I'm 18 are constant. They loom over me any time I try to help myself, it just makes sense to let her win because I don't want to play anymore.

A better strategy might just be to clam up. Keep your mouth shut about anything & everything; don't talk to her if you know that doing so is just going to start yet another yelling spree. I pretty much stayed in my room, telling my mum that I had loads of homework to do, so that she wouldn't pick on me. Learn the art of the shoulder shrug. 'Dunno' is the best answer to any question if you don't want to argue about something.

She's constantly keeping on about it probably because it's foremost on your mind too. You know those cop shows on TV? You notice how the interrogators always try to get the suspect to say something, particularly a long, detailed explanation of how innocent they are? They do this because there's always something in what has been said that can be used as evidence against you. Treat your mother like an interrogator. If you tell her nothing, she has nothing to twist around.

I know it seems hopeless at the moment but it isn't really so please don't give up. The 25-year-old man that you'll be in a few years' time is relying on you to grit your teeth & somehow cope with this so that he can look back and shove two fingers up at everyone who tried (but failed!) to keep him down.

[Liminal Stranger]

Oh, how I've thought of getting said finger tattooed on my chest. It'd detract attention from any scars 
I feel like I'm on this never-ending roller coaster living here, that I can be happy and keep to myself or even interact with her, and then she flips a switch and turns psycho on me. Then when I push her away, she staggers as if mortally wounded. Lady, please, I've had years of practice controlling how much force I put into anything.

Then again, that's the woman who tripped over a small pile of leaves and hurt her ankle. And did the same thing in an accident involving multiple gopher holes. Sheesh, everyone is so fragile but I'm never allowed to show a moment of weakness or I'll never see the end of it.

I don't really want to have no family for the rest of my life; in fact, I had hoped that maybe they could have made up for the years I lost in the past, so I wouldn't feel so sad and lonely. But whatever, they don't care so why should I? Screw it, alone time it is. Not like it's anything new >_>

[AdamMLP]

You'll only be alone until you start a family of your own, and you can do everything that you didn't get to do with your family and give them the childhood you never had.  That's my plan for the future, although I wasn't abused or treated like you're being treated -- so I don't pretend to understand -- I had a pretty rubbish childhood.  Right from before I was conceived my parents were putting their work before me, my mother was on birth control so that she didn't have me yet, and my whole childhood was spent being shunted off to my grandparents.  How my grandfathers bigoted views didn't rub off me I'll never know.  Too early I learned about adult working life from being brought up in a pub, and how money was getting tight as the recession hit, and since I could read I would sit up reading, or writing twisted stories by the light outside of my window.

I think it was in one of your threads that I mentioned my old teacher, he had a postcard pinned up in his room with "It's never too late to have a happy childhood" written on it.  I cried when I read it because I thought it was wrong, now I realise that I'll get my childhood through seeing my children have theirs and giving them all that I wanted.

[Liminal Stranger]

I don't know that I want kids, adopted or biological. In theory it'd be nice but in practice I don't want that, I'd never have the time to devote enough attention to them and I would feel so guilty about that. Biological would be even worse, my genetic code is rife with terrible mutations. If they could somehow make it so I could father children naturally without worrying that they'd have a million health problems and be miserable like me, maybe I would try and find the time, but part of me does want to be alone on some level. Oh well, transition first, then life plan for any potential of a family.

[Bastian]

You don't need the 'live the american dream' i really don't have any intentions to ever have children. Certainly no biological ones, too many suffering souls in the world as it is, and my hatred for the human race doesn't make me feel inclined to add to it x) In any case you can be perfectly happy not having kids. I think the main point is, life might suck right now, but the days coming soon when you'll be independent, and then it doesn't matter what your mother thinks. If she doesn't want to be a part of your life that's her beef to swallow.

[randomroads]

I like the advice of not talking to her. Find someone else to talk to. Your school counselor can help you with that, or you can confide to a trusted friend. Throw yourself into schoolwork and get the highest grades you can for that honors gig you want. Aim high.

[Bastian]

This is going to sound bad but i would not trust a school counselor. I've heard too many horror stories of them telling the parents what they've been talking about with the kid WITHOUT the child's permission. Find a good friend who will listen to you.

[Liminal Stranger]

I've already had one bad incident where I had a minor breakdown and confessed to a math teacher why I was having sensory issues on one side of my head, leading to being forced to tell the guidance counselor, then the school social worker, after which point I had to feign confusion and act like a dumb kid when the police got involved because the situation wouldn't allow for telling them the truth and I couldn't blatantly lie to them. But CPS still got involved.

Anyway.
I don't like discussing it in person because I'm already awkward, shy, and mess up words when I talk (bit of a stutter, I guess). Something sensitive like that would probably make it worse. Heck, I'm too uneasy to tell people I know would be fine with it, and who I really want to. I wish it were just about not being ready, but I can't even say to a girl that I like her hat or something like that without flinching, turning red, and muttering "never mind" while awkwardly shuffling away. I need to learn social skills, especially around girls- they make me nervous >_>