Frustration with money and doctor appointments

[randomroads]

I'm unemployed but my husband works full time and makes a comfortable living with extra to put into savings. I just made an appointment with Howard Brown Clinic in Chicago for the first appointment of a series of appointments to go the Informed Consent route. I'm incredibly excited about finally getting the ball rolling for HRT.

Then tonight my husband calls to tell me that a lot of people he works with are getting called off of work. There's a new manager and this person doesn't seem to understand how to run the crews properly. One night there will be plenty of work for everyone, but he cuts the crew down to less than half so that there aren't enough hands to even finish what should be done in one night. One of my husband's coworkers told him he hasn't been getting full paychecks, either. It sounds like it's a serious clusterjam.
Husband is worried about the stability of his job, understandably, so we discussed some options and I reassured him about a few things between us.

Now my problem is - I have a doctors appointment. In my mind, doctor appointments are serious and always warrant spending the money. However I'm worried about him resenting me for spending money on HRT. I feel this is something I need, but I'm not self-hating and I'm not suicidal. I'm just really miserable. If it came down to not being able to afford any of it due to job loss I could go without, but at this point in time we still can.

What are your opinions on this situation? Any advice on how to talk about this? Any experience with something similar and how did you deal with it?

[Jayr]

Well if you're unemployed because you're lazy, I would resent you.
But if you're unemployed because you just haven't landed a job yet, I wouldn't resent you.
(Unless the reason you don't have a job is because you haven't applied enough effort.)

I'm a trans guy but I have a job and my boss doesn't care one bit. (AMEN.)
My girlfriend on the other hand, doesn't have a job but because I know she's trying hard to find one, I do plan to help her out.
If she just sat her a** on the couch all day and didn't go out to interviews than I would tell her to deal with her crap alone.

Tell him you need to talk and nicely ask him permission but don't pressure him.
If he says he's not comfortable with you spending that money at the moment, than don't.
Ultimately it's his money, so your transition will rely on his decisions until you're self sufficient.

If he does give you the green light, than I recommend giving him a big thank you present

[Magnus]

My dose is $5 each, so $10 per month. A heck of a lot less than many, many, many other medications are. So unless you are absolutely at $0 income, it's doable. Especially if there is a county health program in your area for low or no income residents (as there is in Riverside CA) that will cover the cost of doctor visits and lab work, leaving only the T cost up to you (and which again, is very reasonable. About the same as going to eat out at a fast food joint).

I'm still living with my parents, my mom has been laid off twice and my step dad doesn't work all throughout the year and hasn't in four years because construction has taken a huge hit from this economy. Yet, we're still able to swing my T without problems (it actually works out to be significantly less of cost than the other medications it has allowed me to stop in fact). But I've also been actively trying to find any work at all for five years too but it's just not happening (I don't like 'freeloading' off my parents in the least).

So in any case, strictly speaking of the financial situation, it's not impossible. The rest, I've no idea. That's between you and your husband.

[Arch]

Well if you're unemployed because you're lazy, I would resent you.
But if you're unemployed because you just haven't landed a job yet, I wouldn't resent you.
(Unless the reason you don't have a job is because you haven't applied enough effort.)

What if he can't work or has family obligations that prevent him from working?

RR, here's the way I look at it. If you have been honest with him about your feelings, then he already knows that you feel terrible. If he loves you, then he doesn't want you to be miserable. Misery is a debilitating state of mind. Will starting transition help you to a happier, more productive life? If so, then the medical attention is necessary and justifiable.

You say that money isn't tight--yet. If you've put money away in savings and you have enough of an emergency fund, then spending a little on a couple of appointments and HRT is justifiable, to me. The trick is to justify it to him. So if he doesn't like the idea, have a plan for making up the expense. Have a garage sale, sell some old jewelry, take some old clothes to a resale shop, get rid of some books you don't want anymore.

Or cut out some luxuries. When I thought I wasn't going to get work at my old uni in winter, I came up with more than a dozen cost-cutting measures that would have saved me hundreds of dollars--from buying cheaper coffee beans to canceling some subscriptions. Some would have added up to maybe fifty bucks a year, and some would have added up to more.

Cutting back on luxuries can be tricky in a marriage, so offer to give up some of your own little pleasures without touching his. This could backfire--he might actually resent it--but make it clear that you don't want to ask him to give up anything.

If you have pretty good communication in this relationship, then I think the key is to make it clear that you don't want this to be all about you, but you really are miserable and need his help and understanding.

HRT is cheap. How much does the clinic cost, and how often will you have to go? Will you need to pay big bucks for the initial visit and blood work?

[Arch]

Also, your profile says that you are in Michigan. If that state is anything like California, your husband is eligible for unemployment compensation when his income dips below a certain amount (you'll have to calculate that) because he's not getting enough hours. In CA, a person who qualifies for the highest weekly benefit (currently $450) can get unemployment when his or her weekly pay slips below $600.

Of course, a person at that level making, say, $550 in a week would get only $37.50 in benefits that week, but it does add up. For a while, I was getting unemployment like this while I was working part-time, and it added up to a healthy chunk of change over the long haul.

[randomroads]

For us, his income is OUR income, not his. The same as when I supported him through college. At the moment I'm unemployed by choice after I was laid off from my last job so I can pursue some interests (with his full blessing) but after our phone call I'm going to put in a few applications for at least a part time job. It's not fair for him to feel like it's his burden alone.

At this point I have no idea how much the visits are going to cost and then there's the added cost of the nearest clinic being 3.5 hours away. I've got a lot of homework to do this coming week with finding out in the insurance we have (limited coverage) will cover the visits or if I need to go on their sliding pay scale, trying to get the clinic to clue me in on a ballpark figure of how much this is all going to cost. I'm hoping after the first three visits and I start T that my need to drive to Chicago will be infrequent.

A lot of unknowns and now the extra pressure of job instability. We're both really frustrated since I'm supposed to start school full time this fall, but if he has to move out of state for work that will cause complications including doubled bills.

[Jayr]

Well if you have his blessing that's amazing.
You and your partner seem to have a great relationship.
Just wanted to point that out.

From your first post it seemed like it was HIS money and he decided what he did with it.
That's why I replied with what I replied. So sorry if my reply ticked you off or anything.

With this new info, I think you two have it all down.
My only advice would be; keep him involved and communication.
Than again, you seem to already have that taken care of,
so really no need for my advice

[Arch]

From your first post it seemed like it was HIS money and he decided what he did with it.

Yes, I got the same impression. If he really does consider "his" money to be communal, then...you are more worried about his reaction WHEN you spend the money? Not IF you spend it? I guess I'm a little confused now.

When I fully came out of the closet, my partner (now my ex) and I were making a very nice combined income. I was teaching part time, and he was making the lion's share of our income in another profession. I just went to him and said that my gender issues were starting to overwhelm me and that I needed to do something. I said that I didn't see any alternative but therapy, as much as I hated the idea. He said, "Absolutely," and that was it.

But he knew about my gender stuff in the first year of our relationship (I began therapy at the start of our twentieth year together), and we didn't have any financial problems or the threat of any financial problems.

[sneakersjay]

I assume you don't have insurance?  Insurance covered all of the medical aspects for me (except surgery) but I did have to pay for therapy out of my own pocket.  All 3 therapists I worked with had sliding scales, though.  Therapy was absolutely necessary for me.  I needed to talk this stuff out with someone who got it to make sure I wasn't going crazy, LOL.

If money may become tight, start cutting back in other areas (less eating out, cheaper entertainment, downsize cars, downsize house (if possible).  I'd cut those things before I cut medical care.


Jay

[aleon515]

My T is not covered by my insurance (but it's my choice as I wanted to take the t-cream). Sometimes they can code that. My doctor's appts and labs (the really expensive thing) are on my insurance. I don't think it is really a lot of doctor's visits. So far just one and I don't expect a whole bunch more this year.

--Jay

[randomroads]

We have insurance but it's for emergencies only. A 'limited coverage' plan. I have to call them to get specifics of what that plan will cover. We did the limited coverage plan because the insurance his job offers is terrible and incredibly expensive. At the time we just wanted something and we do plan on shopping for out of pocket insurance plans so we can drop the company crap.

It's our money, but I'm worried that he'll become resentful now that he's feeling pressure. His job could be just fine but his personality is a worrier and a saver. As soon as he feels like his finances are being threatened he'll eat ramen for months if I don't tell him 'it's okay to buy some hamburger.'

[randomroads]

BTW, you were just voicing your opinion. I asked for advice and I'm getting some. I don't feel upset at all about anything anyone's said.

[Arch]

It's our money, but I'm worried that he'll become resentful now that he's feeling pressure. His job could be just fine but his personality is a worrier and a saver. As soon as he feels like his finances are being threatened he'll eat ramen for months if I don't tell him 'it's okay to buy some hamburger.'

His is a fairly typical response for many people, I think. My partner wasn't worried about the money, but after I had been in therapy for a few months (twice a week; I was in a bad way), he started resenting that I was IN therapy. He saw it as taking something away from our relationship.

He complained that my teaching, my dissertation, something else that I can't remember, and therapy were encroaching. This was a distorted view. The diss had been on the shelf for quite some time, and I had therapy while he was at work. In addition, I had been trying to schedule relationship time around my grading and prep, but he was usually so wrapped up in online gaming that he refused to make himself available and saw me as encroaching on his gaming time.

I had my own resentments, mostly about the gaming. He used it as an escape--but he also used it as an escape from ME, and then he used that escapism against me as if it were my fault that we couldn't spend time together. I tried to talk about this to him, but he became irrational about it and even went a little nuts a few times. That's how I could tell that he was truly on the edge.

People can become quite illogical when they are stressed about money, job, family, and so forth. I saw a side of my partner that I had never really seen before (I'd gotten hints only), but it sounds like you have a good handle on things with your husband. I hope the job becomes stable and you find ways of compensating for the expense of transition. HRT is very cheap if you do injections and buy your meds from the right place. I think that (expense-wise) all you truly have to worry about are labs and doctor visits.

[Sly]

I'm having a similar issue, except I'm already on T.  I need to get a refill pretty soon, which I can afford, so I called my doctor and asked her to authorize one for me.  She doesn't want to unless I can get in to see her.  I explained over the phone that I'm uninsured and can't afford to pay for a visit out of pocket, so the receptionist said she'd run that by my doctor and see if she will authorize the refill anyway.  If she doesn't I'm not sure what I'm going to do...