Hey folks, so earlier I sent the following message to a friend who I respect a great deal but don't talk to all that often. They know I'm trans, but I haven't gotten any indication from them how they feel about this, so I sent the following message:
This is probably the most awkward letter I've ever attempted to write as I appear to be writing to ask whether you harbor any prejudice against me on account of my being trans
I'll go back aways.
The last time you were in Seattle, I had obviously changed my appearance already and had explicitly told a number of my friends what was going on.
I really wanted to tell you, but found myself unable to do so because I was pretty scared that you might tell me to knock it off.
I hope this doesn't sound weird but I look up to you. I've always enjoyed your company and talking about ideas like an ---redacted----. I enjoy that we seem to share much of the same perverse sense of humor and I guess I've come to think of you as something if a role model.
And then I thought
"Does ---person's name--- even believe that being trans is a real thing?"
Because a lot of people don't.
A lot of second wave feminists seem hate those of us who would self identify as women. I've read all those arguments and I can take them apart, and I have taken them apart, and I still believe that who I feel I am is legitimate.
But if you agreed with those points of view, that would be really hard for me because I really respect you. Which means I 've sort of accidentally given you the power to threaten my sense of who I am.
That scares me.
A lot.
Because you see, for the first time in my life I feel at peace with myself. I'm slowly starting feel at home in my own skin and I think I've become a better person and while I may have made the choice to start transitioning, the idea of having to stop, of going back to living as a man, I can't do it. It's literally the worst thing I can imagine. The only equivalent terror is when I think Saxa has hurt herself.
I guess i thought you'd maybe say something, or ask me how I was doing or something, but you haven't and so now I'm writing you a letter, sounding like a crazy person. Sort of asking if you hate me?
That seems really insulting, like I should know you better than that.
So I'm sorry for fearing that you might think ill of me, but if it helps I wouldn't be writing this were it not for the fact that I think you're a pretty amazing person and your opinion matters a lot to me.
How do you sign off on something like this?
-Rowan.
The reply I got was kurt and Said she did not appreciate "being accused of something" and gave life reasons (perfectly legitimate ones) for having possibly seemed distant.
And now I can't decide whether my letter was actually insulting/accusatory or not. I tried to make it clear that the subject matter was my fears, and not any perceived reality of hers, but I guess those two things are hard to disentwine.
Thoughts please, was my letter rude?
