Teacher kind of upset me

[Joe.]

To be fair, my school has been more than amazing helping me with my issues around my gender and I firmly believe that if I was to say I wanted to start a new term living as male, then all the teachers would be behind me. I have been very very lucky in that sense and I know a lot of people don't have that. I broke down to a teacher I'm close to the other day and explained how I felt like I was a disappointment to everyone. He kind of guessed why and I told him to make sure we were both on the same page (we were in a public part of the school so we were trying to code it so nobody would understand). He was brilliant about it, absolutely brilliant, as have all the other members of staff who know. Anyway, because this was all new to him he suggested that I go and see a teacher who deals with lgbt equality and such. So I went and saw her the other day and I explained I'm trans and will be changing my name soon and starting university as male and she made it out to be that I was a lesbian who just wanted to be a man. All the references she made to trans people she used their birth sex rather than their real gender. She'd refer to trans guys as she and trans girls as he. This really upset me. She said that she had a trans friend who had transitioned to male and 'she' was very happy now and proud. I told her I didn't wanteveryone to know at university and she said that I should let people know and embrace it. I get she wants me to be proud of who I am, and I am, I just don't feel the need to tell everyone my business. Afterall, it's my business to tell. She asked if speaking to her helped and I said yeah. I don't have the heart to say no. I know she probably meant well but I don't think she really understood what she was saying.I ddon't know. Maybe I'm over reacting. I just want your guys input on this.

[AdamMLP]

If she is supposed to deal with LGBT stuff then I would make a bit of a deal about it.  The school nurse at my school kept saying that I had issues with my sexuality and got my father to believe that, and tried to have me go and see someone from an LGB group (surely the lack of 'T' on the end should have raised some questions about the suitability of sending a trans person there?)  I never really made a big issue out of it at the time, but I wished that I had now because if another trans person comes along and gets the same treatment and isn't so sure of themselves then it could be more of a problem than it was to me who spends most of my time on this forum and looking up trans stuff so I know that it's a completely different ball game to sexuality.  I felt pretty sick looking at the notice board saying that anyone confused or worried about their sexuality or gender identity could go and speak to her when I knew that she meant well, but didn't really have a clue.

Could you mention it to the teacher you're close to that she wasn't referring to you or trans people correctly and that she's not really educated on the subject?  There might not have been the need for her to be properly educated before because there's not as many trans people as there are LGBQ people, and they might have just assumed that she could deal with that too, whereas we're a bit more complicated than LGBQ people who can just be told that it's normal etc.  There's no medical aspects to that.

[Devlyn]

Send them both here. I always wanted to moderate a teacher.  Seriously,  the male teacher admitted he wasn't up to speed on trans issues, but the female teacher could learn not to misgender folks. If not, I could put one of those "Watched" emblems on her 

[Jayr]

Well whether we want to admit it or not, stealth shaming is a HUGE thing in the lgb t community.
So it doesn't even surprise me that she's being like this. People of the community often want others to be out and proud.

I understand the shaming part but I don't understands why she would use the wrong pronouns.
Although if she is against being stealth, shouldn't be a surprise that she's an a**hole in other aspects.
Maybe using the wrong pronouns is her way of forcing people to be out which is what she maybe wants ultimately.

[Devlyn]

Well, if she doesn't understand misgendering and pronoun usage, there's a good chance she's never heard of stealth shaming either. This is the first time I've heard that term, for what it's worth.

[Jayr]

Well, if she doesn't understand misgendering and pronoun usage, there's a good chance she's never heard of stealth shaming either. This is the first time I've heard that term, for what it's worth.

I know a lot of gay, lesbian or even trans people that use the wrong pronouns on purpose because it forces the person to come out.
So either she's a complete dummy and doesn't understand how wrong it is or she knows exactly what she's doing.

[Devlyn]

I'd opt for educating someone before I just made assumptions about their intent or character.

[Sarah Louise]

Stealth shaming is just rude and uncalled for.  Anyone doing it should be ashamed of themselves.

[AdamMLP]

A lot of staff in schools who deal with LGBT stuff are actually cis hetero people, so I don't see how likely stealth shaming actually is.  My old school had 6 lesbian members of staff that I know of, and none of them ever held any roles in regard to their sexuality.  It's people who go on courses who get those types of roles generally, so I can't imagine she would have had any vested interest in consciously outing trans people.  Ignorance is much more likely to be the cause.

[wheat thins are delicious]

Stealth shaming is just rude and uncalled for.  Anyone doing it should be ashamed of themselves.

Agreed.

[Joe.]

I don't think she was being intentionally rude. I think it was just lack of education but I don't know how to deal with it.

Could you mention it to the teacher you're close to that she wasn't referring to you or trans people correctly and that she's not really educated on the subject?  There might not have been the need for her to be properly educated before because there's not as many trans people as there are LGBQ people, and they might have just assumed that she could deal with that too, whereas we're a bit more complicated than LGBQ people who can just be told that it's normal etc.  There's no medical aspects to that.

I'll try and talk to him again soon and see what he suggests. She even asked me if I thought gender was linked with sexuality because people who transition tend to be people who can't cope with being gay < her words not mine. I don't have a problem with the male teacher not being as educated because he didn't make assumptions and actually listened to me. He seemed just as excited for me. The only plus side out of all of this is that she said I seem very very sure that this is what I want. Of course it is.

[wheat thins are delicious]

What I want to know is why the school has her handling LGBT issues when it's obvious she knows jack-all about them.

[Joe.]

She's a lesbian, so she knows a lot about the LGB, she just seems to be less educated on the T.

[Rowan Rue]

Not really useful advise but I just wanted to say how annoyed I get at people who are all enthusiastically "supportive" of trans people while continuing to use their assigned rather than preferred genders.   
I am extremely mistrustful of such individuals as the whole thing smacks of that very subtle backhanded insult that southern ladies are so good at.
When someone says they support trans people but then continually misgengder I hear it as "why bless your heart".

[Devlyn]

What I want to know is why the school has her handling LGBT issues when it's obvious she knows jack-all about them.

My guess is it's a fairly new requirement for the school systems, and there are learning pains. There may not have been adequate training. Alex did a good job of pointing out a likely scenario.

[sneakersjay]

She's a lesbian, so she knows a lot about the LGB, she just seems to be less educated on the T.

I was going to guess she was a lesbian, and some lesbians arent' very much in favor of FTMs.  I was never a lesbian however early in transition I got some education about some lesbians, and they scare me!!  LOL

She wants you to be an out and proud lesbian. Which is fine if you were a lesbian.  But you're not.  I'm not.  I'm an out and proud gay male. but I am not out as trans and don't plan to be.


Jay

[Jayne]

Hiya Joey, I don't get on here much right now but i'd be happy to attend a meeting with this person to educate them, mis gendering annoys me at the best of times but is an absolute no no from an LGBT counselor.

You have every right to be annoyed & should not hesitate to put your foot down with a firm hand & say you are very unhappy about misgendering.
The only possible excuse for misgendering is if the person is seeing if you are strong enough to stand up for yourself & assert your gender identity as you will have to do this from time to time, I don't think this is the case from what you've said about the comments about trans people tending to be people who can't cope with being gay.

[FTMDiaries]

So just to recap... your teacher is a lesbian; she misgenders trans people; she thinks we transition because we can't cope with being gay (or in my case, can't cope with being straight); and she actually asked you whether you think your need to transition is linked to your sexuality.

Now where have we heard that kind of thing before...? 

I'd suggest you go back to her - either in person or via email - and let her know (politely) that whilst you appreciate her assistance, some of what she said was inappropriate and there is a lot more information available about trans* people today than there was even five years ago; perhaps some current reading might be beneficial? GIRES has some excellent resources for teachers, such as this one: http://www.gires.org.uk/transbullying.php which has a link to a toolkit for schools. Whilst it focuses on how to deal with transphobic bullying, it also contains some good general information on how to deal with trans* students in schools. It even explains to teachers the difference between gender identity and sexuality... something I daresay she might find useful.

I'd also urge her to read through this booklet which I found very useful when I came out to my colleagues. It explains in good, general terms what it means when someone tells you they're trans: http://www.esfrs.org/document/pdf/equality/tg_information_booklet.pdf

Oh, and I'll join in with Jayne's offer if you want some support