Hi everyone. I've been considering writing for a while. I don't know why I haven't until now. My name's Erica, I'm 29 years old. I'm an avid gamer, and role player. I love all things nerdy and techy. I build computers as a hobby! My last name isn't Andreev but, for now I'd like to keep that quiet. I'd like to tell you all my story, and see what you have to say or what advice you have to give. I'll be honest like I've never been honest about it before. It's time to stop hiding, and time to face what I've been pushing away for most my life. Stay a while and listen, if you like!
I grew up in South Florida, in a household comprised of a catholic Italian mother, and a catholic Croatian father. My mother is 2nd generation, my father is 1st. Their views are, conservative to say the least. I'm adopted, and I have a sister seven years older than I am. Anyway. My memories of childhood can be somewhat fuzzy as to what happened when. I suffered a bit of a head trauma when I was 7 or 8 that kind of blurred a lot. My mother was tired of me playing my toy keyboard and flung it against the wall. It bounced, and then I went to the emergency room! Yay! I don't know if it's related but, I think it is. I never had a lot of friends, but middle school was where I started to notice things looking back. Whenever my few friends and I would play any kind of role playing game, be it Star Wars or, any other game like that..I was decidedly Always the girl in trouble. Even at one point with a Pillow under my shirt..I remember how fun that felt. Not that I got Picked to be, but because I Wanted to be. My mannerisms, my actions. They didn't line up with the other boys. It's hard for me to pin point a large number of specific details other than I just never felt like "one of the boys". My mother mostly ignored this, because her relationship with my sister was always sour, and dominated a great deal of our home life.
In middle school I met my first. His name was Anthony. He asked me one night on a sleep over if I'd like to be "gay". I never felt gay. Nothing we did felt gay. It felt just normal to me, granted it was exhilarating. Maybe it was just the whiskey, I can't be sure. That relationship turned sour very quickly. It was a literal "Hit or miss". Sometimes I'd get hit, sometimes I'd be right like it was that first night. I left the Christian School that this all took place in and moved on to high school, where I kept to myself. I was bullied a great deal in high school, both of them that I attended. The term's, f----- word, gay, and many others just became words to me. I still never felt gay, and for a while I'd vehemently deny it..eventually I just stopped caring. I never told my parents anything, other than I hated school. I transferred to another, it didn't fix anything. During this time, my sister came out to my parents as a Lesbian, in an extremely harshly worded letter. The fall out was, extreme. The screaming, the words that came out of my mothers mouth, the silence of my father..Who, never really did much with me other than scream at me when he tried to teach me anything like tools, or electrical stuff, or math. I'd just end up sobbing in the bathroom. I wasn't a very boyish boy, and I know he hated that. The hate that came from my mother was like a furnace. I'd heard her mutter things about race, sexuality and stuff when she saw it on TV but, was able to mostly ignore it and the rest of my life by way of shoving myself into my computer.
I love my mother, and my father so very much. I'm adopted, and without them who knows where I'd be? But, during the time in high-school I'd joined up with the Furry community, and Role playing on AOL chat rooms. I tried to play male characters, however I simply couldn't keep up with it. Eventually, and to this day, my entire roster of imaginative characters are female. More on that later. I watched my mother grow so bitter, and so hateful, that she for a Long time wanted nothing to do with "that b---- of a queer". It terrified me. I had no idea what Transgender, or Transsexual meant. I just figured I was some kind of..weird, pseudo gay guy who liked feminine things and feeling feminine? I didn't really know. I kept quiet, extremely quiet. Played my part as one would expect. I drank, I ate. I gained a Lot of weight towards the end of high school. It made me feel better. It's obvious now I was suffering with depression, a great deal of it. I often thought of "going to sleep". I still do sometimes. Little things set me off, arguments send me into spirals of self hating and worthlessness, but I'm by in large better now.
Then I met Joshua. He was older than me, a very sweet guy I met over the game EverQuest. With him, It didn't matter how I acted, or how I Sounded. I didn't have to lower my voice or pretend to not like the things I liked. He was gay, I wasn't. I hadn't sorted that out yet though. It wasn't until sadly that he came to see me, and took me to the Keys for a weekend getaway..I Dragged my best friend along with us because I was nervous. It was then, that I found out I absolutely Was not gay..I couldn't do the things I'd been able to do before. I couldn't stand the hair on my arms, my chest, it felt wrong and disgusting. Not that he disgusted me. I, disgusted me. When I kissed him, I could feel my mustache, and I lost my mind inside my own head. I still feel awful about all that. Though it has a good ending, we recently reconnected and he's doing well and forgave me. Facebook right?
I graduated high school, and didn't make it very far in college. I moved to Minnesota to live with my sister, to try and work instead of go to school. My parents by this time had become more or less welcoming of her back into their lives, but she was still extremely bitter. I confided in my sister about myself, explaining that I thought I was just that odd kind of gay? She tried to take me to a few gay bars, but every time a man would show interest in me, I would feel so odd about it. Like it wasn't right. I may have found them attractive? But I was unable to Be with them in any way, emotionally or otherwise. I lived there for about two years, and decided to go home to Florida and help with Hurricane cleanup. I decided to stay, and go back to school, I decided on culinary arts. That was the One thing I could do..I could cook! I went to Culinary School and made my family proud of me. I was good at something. I love cooking for family and making them happy. It's something *I* identify with being feminine. My mother, is a horrible cook. So in a little way I was able express some of myself, even if I didn't know it at the time. I just loved seeing the smiles on their faces. I don't know if this means much of anything.
It was in culinary school that I started up conversing with a friend of mine from California. Her name is Bethany. She was a role player like me. We'd played a few times on AOL. I quickly found myself falling in love with her. Which helped me push away the things I felt. I was sure I wasn't gay. I loved a woman. I won't bore you all with the details, but we met at a convention, and it was like we'd been best friends our whole lives. Our relationship was solid. Our sex life? Lackluster. I simply didn't have very much drive. The during was great, the after? Not so great. I always felt embarrassed. Almost ashamed. Like I shouldn't have been doing what I did. For a long time I never told her a thing. We ended up moving to California, and doing all right until our jobs dried up. At this point we'd been together nearly 8 years? Dates have never been that big of a deal for us. She joined the Navy to support us, as I simply couldn't find work. I married her December of 2011. It wasn't a major family affair. It was paper, benefits. Our relationship didn't seem to need a ring to make it "special". Our wedding night was a night in a suite and we ate chicken wings and just had fun like best friends, not a husband and wife. We didn't even sleep together. It was such a fun night.
Anyway. I know I'm kind of rambling. It's how I write, I couldn't do this any other way I don't think. As I'd previously talked about, my AOL characters. One I created really stood out to me. Her name, was Erica. The name just, hammered into my brain. I've never let it go. She was strong, confident, brave. But at her core, terrified or what she was, and what she was to society. A mutant. A freak. I tried to make that beautiful, to make her a real, powerful, emotional person that was me in disguise. In a way, she is. Anyhow. This is all boiling up to this past year, November 30th, 2012. We'd been on this lovely game called Second Life before, and I'd chosen a Very feminine avatar, but still male. This time around, I decided to put Erica into digital life. The idea thrilled me. So I did. I put together my red headed bunny in all her wonderful glory. It was then that I decided to try a Voice Changer. Because I didn't want to be "a guy playing a girl avatar." I wanted to BE seen as a woman, as Erica. Please don't think I was trying to fool anyone. So I tried one, and spent Hours trying to get it right..and then..I did. I heard my own voice in a pitch and tone that I'd never heard before. Everything changed, I simply lost my ability to control myself. I broke down into tears. I didn't know what to do. So I passed it off as just a way to goof around. Tried to convince myself of it. I could feel her in me, trying to claw her way out, desperately trying to get free of the prison I'd built for her. For myself. My ability to lie to myself was about to be shattered like a piece of glass.
We were at a certain club, talking to new friends, and someone asked me "Is that a Voice mod?" I lied. He began screaming to everyone that I was a horrible liar, a person trying to deceive them. I felt horrible, embarrassed, ashamed, because he was trying to reveal me for something I didn't want to be anymore. I felt like he'd tried to rip my skirt off. I know this is all virtual, but ever since I was young I've put a Lot of my emotions into the virtual space. So it was very much real to me. The reaction of our friends, and people I'd never met was simply "So what if she is? Don't be that way, get lost." I felt, accepted. The next thing to happen when one of our friends took us aside and said "I can hear you through Bethany's microphone." I turned so red. I was embarrassed, I was ANGRY. Not because he'd found me out, but because I was ashamed of it. He sat down with us, and talked to us a bit..The floodgates opened. I cried, I babbled everything I felt out to Bethany, him, and one of our other friends. It was incoherent and broken, but the message they ALL sent me was clear. "It's okay, we love you." Since then, months ago. I've come to accept who Erica is. I look back, and see how much of an angry unhappy person I used to be. I was bitter, temperamental, moody. When I'd be with people online, or even in real life. I'd change the way I talked to mimic them, to fit in with their social group. As Erica? I don't do that. I'm Erica. Erica is herself, and doesn't try to be like Anybody else. I'm much more patient, much happier, much kinder. I'm myself. I'm Erica.
My wife has decided to stay with me, and support me 100% of the way through. We've talked about our relationship, and how it must change. We've agreed that we can't give each other some of the things we need, and that's okay. I met a wonderful man by the name of Aaron via playing as Erica on AOL. He fell in love with me. He knows who I am. He knows my real voice. He's decided to stick through the process too. I feel so blessed, so lucky now to have them at my side. I haven't told my parents yet, I know that I have to, and I know the time isn't right yet. I also know that it's going to destroy my mother, and that hurts me more than anything else. She hit the lottery with her children as a conservative catholic in a way huh? I know that may not be funny, but I tend to make light of serious situations, as a way to make them more bearable.
I know I'm making the right choice. After almost 30 years of life, I can't lie to myself anymore. I can't push it away anymore. I have to be who I am. I'd like to start posting here, as I begin my journey through transition. I know that's what I need now.
So. Hi everyone! I'm Erica.
Oh, just to add. I've since completely stopped using the Voice program and use my own natural voice now. It needs work, but I'll get there..people say they like it more than the machine anyway!
