hurts? yes it does

[Larisa]

I make fun of my girly side and insult the girly things I do and sometimes act like Im making up all this and make fun of it. This all while inside it hurts me inside. I act like it's all funny and that it's weird the girl side in me and so. Really while Im acting like it's wrong and weird that I for example know alot on makeup and girl fashion/style and all, really Im hurting. It bugs me that I feel I have to hide and insult the girl in me and be the guy in me in front of others all the time. Really it's tough to deal with. All these other born girls who grew up and as a girl and dont have to deal with chest hair, facial hair and all. Ya not me and even though Im not feeling that way all the time, still I was born a guy? Why not a girl? Makes me wonder. Really I know there is a girl in me. May sound crazy to some people but not to me. Really those girls can have breasts, wear those cute really short sleeve shirts and walk around with beautiful cute long hair. Really ya it goes beyond that ofcourse. Im just thinking out loud even though I dont have every answer. Read my other posts, Im not joking at all.

[Lesley_Roberta]

During the 90s, before I had even the slightest hint of being female, I suffered the hell of disability.

I watched as all my dreams just basically died. It was not pretty.

Then I had to cope with the fact I was on disability, and hearing comments often from persons in the US always about socialism this and socialism that and how so many just don't give a damn about helping their fellow man. Well it sure beat on my self esteem. Because I am basically a ward of the state. It's not my money, I am not supporting my family, the Ontario government is.

I became very harsh on myself. I denied myself any form of relaxing, any manner of pleasure, I was not deserving of my hobbies. Nothing. It was not a good time in my life.

But it's wrong. I didn't ask to have my dreams go up in smoke. I didn't ask to be incapable of doing the one thing I love so much.
I didn't choose this life. I'm glad my country though at least gives a damn about me.

So I have had a lot of training to cope with my current challenge.
You are who you are Larisa, stop hating yourself for it.
I don't think you woke up one day and decided 'hey lets totally mess up my life'.

You have challenges, but, life is nothing but challenges when you look at it.
You were born in the wrong body, but, you could have been born in a female body and had something else wrong eh. Life is like that.
I know of lots of boring cis people that actually have worse lives than me.

Be who you really are, and be who you really are in your own fashion.
You owe no one else anything. But you owe yourself to be fair to yourself.

[Erin Kay Howell]

Being true to ones self is a challenge to me aswell. No one can make you happy but yourself and no one is going to do it for you.

I really need to take my own advice to this. Ill never truly be happy until I stop being a chameleon and appearing and acting the way everyone around feels I should.

It does get better and all these people here can give you the support you need. I know they've helped me over the first hump. Dont beat yourself down. Be the person you feel you are.

I just had my first day of therapy this morning and let me tell you.... feeling tons better. All it took for me was to tell someone that wasnt going to judge me and ask me the questions that need to be asked. I dont know if this works with everyone but its a fantastic start.

You cant keep putting yourself down like that either. All your doing is bottleing up... eventually that bottle reaches its limit and theres no where for it to go but out. I let that happen to me over 15 years and in doing so I tried to take my life four times. Its a situation you dont want to be in and no one here wants you to either.

Ive found there are so many caring people here that willhelp you in whatever way they can, you owe it to yourself to help yourself.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Glad to hear you are improving Erin.

Yes like Erin says, it's easy to give advice, hard to listen to it ourselves

I too often seem to tell people the right things, and then need to have someone tell it to me later.

But the best part is we have lots of people here willing to see you get to hear it.

Often, all the hurtful things we think others are directing at us, pale in comparison to what we say to ourselves.

[Larisa]

Thanks for the advice guys! There is only one friend Ive ever told this about to and she didn't treat me bad in fact she's the only person I trust to say this to and she's supportive. Thing is so many are judgmental and all. I even have a hard time thinking even about talking to a therapist about this all.

[Ally6691]

I know what you mean. I've had to laugh at jokes to fit in, even though the jokes were hurting me. It hurt so much and it still does.

I am trying to come out slowly, but it is so difficult.  Life is hard, but it shouldn't stop you from being happy. I live by the rule that life is ultimately about happiness. If I am not happy, I change things. I am in the process of quitting a hobby that I invested 4 years, thousands of dollars and met many of my friends through because I am simply not enjoying it.

If there is a way for you to be happy, then it can and will happen as long as you work for it. Just try to look at the world and realize that there is always a silver lining. ^__^

I'm way too optimistic. lol

[Larisa]

Im fighting for this part of me and Im not ashamed of the girl in me even though I have time or days where I feel like a guy. For example if I was told growing my hair long looks horrible and I should cut it, Id be mad and sad and this example has happened to me. But what If that makes me feel weird having it short and having it long is what makes me feel like Im me? That's society for you. Cut it short if you want to work in many places of work due to just being a boy is all. All these things bug me. Ill keep it long and if you dont hire me due for me being born a boy, I dont want to work for you. If this makes sense to anyone. The fact that I have fought for my long hair and get very scared and angry when me having long hair is threatened. This is my example if it makes sense and it's happened to me. Im again thinking out loud but it's annoying having to ya to try to fit in. I have 2 names, my birth name which is a boy name and the girl name I gave myself "Larisa" but people would call that weird. We have so many stereotypes like blue is boy and pink is girl but why do we have those dumb stereotypes and than my hair of many things becomes a victim of those dumb stereotypes. Slowly seems to be working for me to. I often feel like society is telling me you can't be a girl at all ever as you were born a boy like if a school told a kid, you cant dress like a girl or a be a girl so the boy with a girl brain is forced to dress like a boy and is sad about it.