I can never stop T. It's been 5 1/2 months now, and seeing how my body is transforming as well as my mind, I can never go back. It is too good to be true. Honestly, it's no longer "exciting"; it never really was exciting as I thought it would be pre-T, because the changes are so slow, but it is... Normal. Normal as in, how it always was supposed to be. I'm simply content with the results, and eager to see myself in a year or so.
Now...identity and the guilt coming from it. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I identified as a lesbian as young as 11 years old, and I LOVED the feelings that came with it. The secrecy, the feeling of being a social rebel, the passion between two women. I resigned before the fact that since I cannot be a man, that I was "cursed" to be born the wrong gender, I can be a lesbian. Those days as lesbian are where all my adventures are buried. Real-life epic love stories, heartrending splits, everything and nothing you could ever even imagine. Each year in my life could have a book written about it. Everything had to do with my sexual orientation: lesbian.
While experiencing all of this, I always knew I am not a woman. From 2-3 years old, I knew. I lived as a boy for the biggest part of my life (my parents were cool with it, school wasn't though). I learned about T when I was 18, and within 2-3 months, I was on it. It was one of the biggest miracles in my life. I remember I had tears in my eyes when I first watched a vid on YouTube about transition.
Now...the guilt. Ever since my last two shots, I have felt enormous guilt. I know that with every shot I take, I go farther and farther away from "lesbian" to "straight ordinary man". At the gay pride parade in my city a few days ago, I told my fiancee I would dress as a girl and put makeup on for part of it. I wanted to feel being a lesbian again, I longed for it so badly. It was badly planned, and it didn't work out. I looked like a man in drag. I mean, I could pull it off easily if better planned, but that's not the point.
How do I deal with these feelings? Something in my mind says "you can quit before its too late". No, I cannot quit, I do NOT want to quit. I am a man and nothing else. The guilt keeps saying "if you wait a few more months, then nothing is reversible". I'm having a hard time battling with my emotions and feelings. Does this say anything about my gender identity? My parents keep saying "you cant run from nature, its your feminine beginning thats calling to you". No, it is not. See, I want to be a lesbian, yet I am a man.
I feel like I can always, even after years on T, dress and look as a girl for a day or so. That would satisfy me. At the same time, I feel like it would hurt my pride of being a man. Do you have any opinions guys? I'm in a moral dilemma. I know this is similar to another one of my posts, but that was more about relationships than anything else.
P.S. I apologize for complaining and whining about life so much, I really do, haha. I bet you guys are getting sick of me xD I promise I'm not a pessimist at all, though. Just dealing with inner conflicts...
