Need some suggestions

[Kade1985]

So as I'm taking these steps to come out to friends, and hopefully in a couple few weeks, family... I need some suggestions.

So far coming out to friends has been relatively easy. They have all accepted it fairly quickly, are supportive of it, and one friend even said she figured it out for herself a couple years ago. But that's not my issue. This part is fairly simple.

My problem is how to come out to my mother, and my sister. I want to do it in a way that isn't going to be overly... stressing? Especially on my mother. Years ago when I came out as lesbian she didn't take to it too well. In fact a lot of fighting happened. I know there are ways where you start an important conversation, such as this, that it gets someone tense before you get to the point. IE, "I have something to say, but please don't get upset."

The point is I'm not sure how to start this topic. I don't know how to start this without getting her tense beforehand, making her stressed before I even drop the ball as being a FTM transgendered person. I fully expect she will be stressed, upset, and other things after it's out there, but it might make it easier if I knew how to start this topic the right way vs the wrong.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Or perhaps willing to share how they came out to their parents? I'm not going to do this before my semester is over, as finals are right around the corner and I want to focus on finishing this semester. I sort of have a bug out plan if the worst is to happen, as I live in my mom's basement. But I could really use some help with this part of my coming out.

Thanks

[spacial]

Since you're an independent adult and any information would be little more than courtesy, is there any need to tell them?

The point is, they can find out by observation and your mother, especially, will notice.

I know that the coming out is a big thing in many areas, I'm just wondering to what extent it's just a way of asking permission?

If you treat it as a big deal then it will be. If you give people the choice of granting approval/permission, then some will refuse.

It's your life. You do what you need to do. If they ask then you tell them. Not to seek approval, but to answer their questions.

[Kade1985]

It's not really asking for permission, but telling her what's going on. As I'm not completely independent and living in her basement she's going to find out one way or another, especially if I got on testosterone sometime down the road. It's better to tell her, than having it suddenly dropped on her without doing so. That would probably not bold well. Telling her before hand would more than likely be better off in the end. I would just like to know how to do so without saying something stupid and triggering a worse reaction than saying something smart. She will probably be upset either way but saying it a certain way might make it easier, or worse.

[spacial]

Understand Jerred.

I do hope you can find the confidence within yourself to simply tell her, in passing, as and what she needs to know. Then you leave it to her to ask whatever she wants.

But was we both know, the most important thing is what you can deal with.

[Shannon1979]

Having recently come out to my parents, im not sure there is a right answer. I would consider taking a friend who is in the know with you for support. I did and it helped. also when you do say it hopefully you have everyone sitting down for this, make sure you explain that this is going to happen. If you dont you could open yourself up to a lot of conversations where they try to convince you otherwise.

Its the exit from the room that i think is the hardest to get right. You dont want to just drop the news and leave, as this may seem like a hit and run. But also you dont want to linger as it may seem like you are waiting for some sort of approval there and then. I got them prepared as best i could for the preverbial bombshell, told them. and then allowed them to take it in answering there questions the best i could. after a while i said that i should go, as i didnt want to overwhelm them with any more information at present.

However be prepared they may be an aftermath. with my parents the mood when i told them was tense but somewhat jovial laughing and joking even. but after i had gone and come back to see them the next week all was different. It was very hostile and i didnt stay for long, as i got bombarded with questions and accusations a lot of which was rediculous or didnt make sense.

[Kade1985]

thanks. I'm trying to think of a good ice breaker. A friend of mine joked and said get my mom a cake that says congrats it's a boy! O_o I sort of laughed and said no that'd be confusing.. Though then again I'm almost tempted as a way of an.. interesting ice breaker at least. It'd probably give me a good way into the conversation anyways.

[Shantel]

Jarred,
      I might start out with something like this: "Mom, sis, I know that you weren't really that happy when I came out as a lesbian some time ago, but to be totally honest with you I have come to the conclusion that it was just something that was masking the fact that I have always felt that I have a strong male side and am determined to live out my remaining years as a male. I will be discussing this with my counselor at length and hope that in spite of my decision that you will continue to love me as I love you."

     Jarred, that will minimize an adverse reaction and should diminish the resultant drama, just keeping it short and to the point, informing them that you will be in counseling will take the pressure off of them to feel that they have to analyze you then and there, and the fact that you remind them that you love them is disarming in and of itself.
       

[Jason_S]

I think telling my mum was quite easy once I got going, telling my dad straight off to his face though was just not going to happen.
So I did what most people do these days when they need to tell someone something, I sent him a lengthy text. This gives him some space to think of a response without him getting upset or enraged right in front of you. Anything else you can discuss when you actually see them. But I find myself totally confident in everything I say when it's by text or email. Even just typing here 

But if you cannot think of any other way just drop a few texts with, Can I tell you something? (that's my favorite one), Can I talk to you for a bit? (that's quite a good one, it seems to make them feel a bit more relaxed and feeling). The shock will still be there as there isn't that many ways to "drop the bomb", but the right kind of starting line can make it a bit easier. Try to think of something that will ease them off, make them relax or feel sympathetic for you.

It's worth a go but I wish you the best of luck 

[Donna Elvira]

I never came out to my parents, a choice at the end. When I was finally ready, I felt that  my Dad, already over eighty, was too old to have such a bomb dropped on him.
I did however come come out to my three children, all over 18 by then, and my siblings. In both cases, it was initially by writing as I wanted them to have enough of the background story to gain some understanding of where I was coming from before we started talking. I like to write and believe that for important things, written words carry more weight than speech but that's just me.
Anyway, in both of the cases cited, it worked out pretty well but I may just have been lucky. However, I'm not sure coming out to Young adult kids is that much easier than coming out to parents.
Best of luck in any case and, if you are clear about what you want and why, it will work out in the end.
Bises
Donna

[Ltl89]

Hey Jerred,

I am very excited for you!  I am going through the same dilemma right now, so I can relate to your anxiety over this. 

I think the best thing to do is be very honest and open.  In order to initiate the conversation,  I would let them know that you have something important to talk about, but let them know that everything is okay.  This way they are expecting some big news, but don't have to worry about something terrible like an illness.  Then I would tell them about what is going on and why you feel that way.  As for the setting, you want privacy but need a way to leave if you feel things get too tense.  So, I don't know if I would tell them at your house if you live there with your mom.  You wouldn't be able to leave if things got bad or too tense. 

I hate asking this last part, but I think we all need to be prepared for the worst.  Do you feel you are able to come out now while still living at home?  I ask because some people get shunned and kicked out by their parents in the worst case scenario.  This may not be the case with you family (and you would know best), but do you have a back up plan or some place to stay in that event? Even if you feel that you don't have to worry about getting kicked out, do you feel that you would be able to transition while at home with your mom?   I hate bringing up these difficult questions, but I think it is best that you plan heavily for the what ifs so that you can successfully transition no matter who or what tries to stop you. 

Lastly, good luck!  I really look forward to hearing how it all goes.  God knows I could use these tips myself,lol. 

[Kade1985]

I hate asking this last part, but I think we all need to be prepared for the worst.  Do you feel you are able to come out now while still living at home?  I ask because some people get shunned and kicked out by their parents in the worst case scenario.  This may not be the case with you family (and you would know best), but do you have a back up plan or some place to stay in that event? Even if you feel that you don't have to worry about getting kicked out, do you feel that you would be able to transition while at home with your mom? 
Lastly, good luck!  I really look forward to hearing how it all goes.  God knows I could use these tips myself,lol.

To answer your questions as best as I can... a bug out plan is kind of in place? It's hard to know right now. I contacted a friend of mine in Arizona asking if things got bad here if I could (and i said this jokingly) live in her closet lol (if I found a job). She said first thing was first, and if things got bad to get a hold of her. She's a good friend, and I've known her for a while now, and she's usually pretty protective of her friends so I expect that if push comes to shove she and our friend Cody would take me in. But since they live in Arizona it may take them a short period of time before they can get to me... So, from past experiences regarding my mother and I butting head, I expect a nearly life long friend would take me in until my friends from Arizona can get me. I wouldn't be able to stay with my friend in town for a long period of time but I know she wouldn't just let me rot on the streets either.

A good place to transition is more than likely in Arizona with my friends if it goes badly here at home. Cody, Ami, and Ami's mother are very open minded individuals, I have come out as being trans to them, and they are all in support of me. The reason I feel they would probably take me in is because they have a habit to "adopting" people so to speak. Another mutual friend of ours, Brandon, is planning to move in with them as well because they have been fairly insistent upon it. They have also offered me a room in their house once but I declined because of school. But now it's looking like I may have to take up the offer anyways.

Either way I have friends all over the US, all long time friends, all know about me coming out as transgender, and they are all in support of me. Someone somewhere will take me in, and I know that, at least after a short wait, I'll be able to start over if the worst is to happen with my mom. I pray not, but if it comes to be that way... Well I always have a backup plan and a backup plan for the backup plan lol. 

[Ltl89]

Good.  Sorry to bring up the negatives, but I always here the best transition is a planned transition.

I am in a similar position as you, but I wouldn't have any friends to count on if I got kicked out.  So, I always think about what I'd have to do in the event that happened.  That's not a likely scenario in my case; however, I think my family would make transitioning very difficult under their roof.  In a way, I'd have to be ready to leave to make the first steps.

I am glad you have thought this all through and have back up plan set in place.  You seem well on your way.  YAY!