Girl of my dreams

[Terra]

Ok, one of my biggest identity crises has come from not an internal source, but external.

I have a girl I love, i've known her for years, and is probably the only girl I could even think of that has or would ever make me reconsider transition. I love this girl, badly, the problem is, she now sees us only as friends as there isn't a snowballs chance in a blast furnace that I could get a born again christian to love me.

Funny thing is, both her mother and my father have both noted how well we would do to be together, if it wern't for the fact i'm tg. I mean me and this girl had even talked about getting married in passing on more then one occasion, but now, now its more about 'sisters'.

Half of me is sorly tempted to drop transition and go after her, the other knows that this probably would only hurt both of us if anything or nothing comes from it. Not sure what to do, if anything.

Any ideas or advice?

[Sarah Louise]

Only you can make that decision.

Usually marriage does not end the desires to transition, it usually gets stronger as you get older.  I am not saying it could not work, just that it would be hard in my opinion.

It certainly did not work for me.

Sarah L.

[cindianna_jones]

Back off until you get the rest of your life on track.  Be friends and enjoy her friendship.

Is that blunt or what?

As you know, my opinion is free and worth every penny!

Cindi

[Maebh]

Have you talked to her about it? What does she have to say?

HLLL&R

Maebh

[MeghanAndrews]

Hi Angel,
First, as someone said, only YOU know what is right for you. I will let you know my own experience and maybe you can take that in conjunction with some other feedback to think about. I'm 38 now, I was married the first time when I was 23 to a friend I had for about 8 years. At the time, I would have told you it was love. We split after 5 years. We both knew it wouldn't work, each for different reasons. I knew I was struggling with gender issues and she was wanting a family that I didn't want (kids). We each went into the marriage thinking we were ready, in love, etc. but it took about 4 years to realize it wasn't going to work. We're still great friends and neither of us have any regrets about the time we spent together.

I got divorced and really began exploring my gender. I was feeling very positive, very happy. I met a girl (this was 3 years later) who knew about my gender issues, loved me anyway and we got married. I don't know what it was, maybe occupying myself with work or whatever but I seemed to be getting less and less happy. I couldn't put my finger on it. I knew something was wrong. my second marriage was ending up like my first. We were like roommates, like girlfriends living together or something. It was definitely not what she wanted or what I wanted. so, that ended.

It's taken me 2 marriages and about 18 years to realize that 1) my gender issues will not go away, I needed to be brave and confront all of the fear head on 2) nothing, not even supposed love, was strong enough to get rid of my gender issues. What do you think my exes loved about me? Great friend, easy to talk to, attractive, successful...none of that really mattered to me but it did to them.

My point here is that it's easy to get off course from the journey. A life as a husband might seem like a good idea to you only in that the rest of the world would view you two from the outside and think 'wow, they are happy, he is the perfect husband, etc.'  But what about your feelings Angel? That's my biggest fear for you sweetie

[Terra]

I have talked to her, and she dosn't know really how to respond to it. She says that yes, she did once have lesbian encounters growing up before she found God, and now she is waiting for God to show her the man she is supposed to be with. As of the last few encounters it has ended badly, and she has said that it would be a possibility we would date if our paths crossed, but she is going to college in nebraska with me in illinois trying to just survive.

We both think alike, we both have faith as intricite parts of our lives, but we have different outlooks on God and Jesus. She sees God as a guide that constently holds our hands and gently pulls us in the directions we need to go, and I see God as being our eyes and ears in the dark, but allowing us to change our path as in accordence with free will, whispering advice as we go. We usually end up in friendly debates, she being one of the few people I can honestly debate for long periods of time on religion, one of the topics I usually avoid with friends for my 'extreme' attiudes.

I keep getting mixed signals, and I really don't know how to act on them. She says one day that there might be an 'us' someday, and others she is asking me as to how to ask this guy out. I would do anything for this girl, but I don't know if I can be the man she wants, and i'm not sure she wants to accept me as I am as a life partner as I transition. Sometimes I wonder if she even knows what she wants. I won't push her to change her religion as it is what makes her her, but I love her, with all my heart, and I can't see myself with anyone else but her. *sighs* I know i'm gushing but...darn it.

I have never hated God for being TG, but at this moment i really wish he'd let me in on his plans for me, just some justification for this pain.

[MeghanAndrews]

sorry, I'll make this quick...I just worry about where you put all of emotions and how you deal with your gender issues. Where do they go? Do they come back stronger after you have kids? Just think about YOU and where you are. You sound like you've worked so hard to get where you are. Just worried about you, Meghan

[melissa90299]

I found that in transition, one needs to deal with one's own needs.

[cindianna_jones]

Listen to Meghan and Melissa.

Believe me.  Straighten out your own life first.  NO ONE really will want to go through this mess with you.  ('cept for one beautiful woman I know of in this forum... what a treasure she is).

Cindi

[Julie Marie]

From my personal experiences...

I have on many occasions tossed Julie in the closet for a love.  At first it's pretty easy.  Convince yourself she is what you really need and the rest is a piece of cake.  When you are first infatuated with each other it seems you can go forever without thinking of being TG.  Problem is, that feeling has always faded and then I find myself with the dilemma of how do I tell her I'm TG?

I finally learned I have to be me and trying to change that for anyone will end up creating more problems.

As far as born-agains, every person I've met who is born-again has needed the time to sort things out for themselves.  Some return to their former beliefs, some stay with the faith forever.  Trying to talk them into seeing things your way is usually fruitless, especially just after they converted.  I've never understood the concept of leaving your fate up to God but many people seem to be content with that.  That is who they are and we need to be okay with that, just as we want them to be okay with who we are.  The Serenity Prayer says it all.

Life is much easier when we accept people for who they are and then decide how we want them to be part of our life.  Not everyone we are attracted to is attracted to us and vice-versa.  Once we accept that, life becomes better.

Julie

[Maebh]

Listen to Meghan and Melissa.

Believe me.  Straighten out your own life first.  NO ONE really will want to go through this mess with you.  ('cept for one beautiful woman I know of in this forum... what a treasure she is).

Cindi

And an other one I know who reads this forum over my shoulder. Yes she is so rare and precious. (I'm writing this while she is out)  . Who knows there might be a third one out there waiting for you Angel, but do not hold your breath waiting for her. Good luck on your journey. Go n-éirí do bhóthar leat.

HLLL&R

Maebh

[Ms Bev]

You are trans. Transsexual, transgendered, call it what you like. You are what you are.  Sooner or later, it will catch up with you, whether you're in a relationship or not.  You need to prioritize carefully, and that doesn't usually include beginning relationships that are not destined to work.  It's your life, and hopefully a long, long one.

Bev