Considering telling my mother, any advice?

[Gray Seraph]

I'm now considering coming out as being TS to my Mother soon, but I'm trying to figure out the best way to deal with her. This isn't as easy a task as coming out to my psychiatrist was.

It's not easy on me having to lie to her every day, putting up my mask to hide from my own mother.
I think she would understand, but I might end up making things worse for both of us. It's a gamble that I just feel I have to take. If I wasn't still living in the same house as her I could probably avoid telling her for awhile. My anxiety makes that option difficult. I can't really treat my anxiety unless I also treat my GID, so I'm kind of stuck having to tell her. If I can make her understand I'd be happy though.

I've heard a letter is a good way to come out. To me writing a letter to my mother seems a bit impersonal, since I still live with her. I'm finding the simple act of writing a letter harder than I thought, even if I don't end up using it. If I could avoid telling her for now I would, but I don't think that's really an option for me.

I was also thinking that maybe I could just tell her in a controlled environment like my psychiatrists office. If I came out to her in my psychiatrist's office, my doctor might be able to help. Or would that be a bad idea? My next chance to do that is this Tuesday, when I have another appointment. I'm not sure if I'm quite ready to tell her yet, but it's something for me to consider.

In the past I've often included my mother towards the end of my sessions.  If I could get her involved, like she has been with my social anxiety, which would be helpful.

Originally I was supposed to go to CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to do something about my anxiety (at least that's what my psychiatrist recommended), but I've since realized that my anxiety is the product of my GID/TS, and not just an irrational fear to overcome. I feel the only way I can truly overcome my fears/anxieties is to go directly against them, and I feel transition is the only way I can really do that. I can't really show my true self as a male. It's more of an all or nothing type of deal in my mind.

It would be great if I could find a therapist in my state that specializes in both CBT and GID, because then I could  just tell my mother I was going for the CBT (while really going to deal with my GID) and put off telling her a bit longer (at least until I can get approved for HRT). I haven't been able to find one, but I haven't given up looking yet.

If I can't do this now, I probably won't be able to start transitioning until I'm 30+ and on my own (because the way my life is now it would probably take about that long to get myself secure enough). If I have to do that, then I'll just have to accept that I may have to wait a few more years. At least then I'd know what I was working towards, so my life wouldn't lose all it's meaning again.

I would appreciate any advice I can get about how to deal with my mother, from people who have been there in the past.

~Marciel

[Laura Elizabeth Jones]

Just be open and honest with her, that is the best advice that I can give to you.

[Steph]

This article in our Wiki may be of help.

https://www.susans.org/wiki/A_Guide_to_Coming_out_to_Family

Steph

[Kate]

She might feel ganged up on if you tell her in a psychiatrist's office... like you two have been conspiring, and your psych convinced you into doing all this. In fact, one of the first questions my own mother asked me was, "Are you sure you're not being coerced? Can I speak with your therapist please?"

Did I mention I'm *43*? lol... parents... always be a child to them I guess

Letters are great for making sure everything gets said, but it can seem a bit impersonal too. One option might be to have her read it in your presence, and then discuss it when she's finished.

It's a difficult thing in any case, and there really are no "right" ways. I debated sending my parents a letter (they're a 6 hour drive away), but decided I couldn't stand waiting for a response... so I told them over the phone. It was fine at first, but they've been struggling with it since then. We're still talking though. Ashame, as they're the *only* people I know who have a problem with it.

~Kate~

[Gray Seraph]

I'll take a look at that article Steph.

She might feel ganged up on if you tell her in a psychiatrist's office... like you two have been conspiring, and your psych convinced you into doing all this. In fact, one of the first questions my own mother asked me was, "Are you sure you're not being coerced? Can I speak with your therapist please?"

Did I mention I'm *43*? lol... parents... always be a child to them I guess

Letters are great for making sure everything gets said, but it can seem a bit impersonal too. One option might be to have her read it in your presence, and then discuss it when she's finished.

It's a difficult thing in any case, and there really are no "right" ways. I debated sending my parents a letter (they're a 6 hour drive away), but decided I couldn't stand waiting for a response... so I told them over the phone. It was fine at first, but they've been struggling with it since then. We're still talking though. Ashame, as they're the *only* people I know who have a problem with it.

~Kate~

I see your point with telling her in my psychiatrist's office being a bad idea. I didn't even think of it from that perspective, but I wouldn't want her thinking that my doctor convinced me to do it. Then she may not take me seriously. Scratch that idea. If that's the case, would it be better if I didn't tell her I've already told my psychiatrist?

So I guess my choices are talking with her or with a letter. I'll have to plan it for a time that my neighbor isn't home if I plan to talk with her, because the walls aren't very soundproof.

As impersonal as a letter sounds, it may be safer. It would allow me to get it all out in the open with less resistance. I can always talk with her after she reads it like you said Kate.

It's just so difficult to tell how someone is really going to react, especially a parent. All I can hope for is that this goes well. I can't really move forward until I tell her anyways.

I don't want to just put this off until I'm at a place in my life where I can do this alone, since time is the enemy, as much as I hate to admit it. The longer I wait, the less effective hormones will become. If only I'd known that 10 years ago, maybe I wouldn't have run from it.

At least my Father isn't part of the picture, so that's one less person I have to tell. I don't like him anyways, for never being there when I could've used a father more than anything. I wonder if I'd have turned out this way if I'd had a male role model. I guess I'll never know. If I ever told him it would be more out of spite (but I'm not that way, so I probably won't ever tell him).

Thanks for the support everyone.

~Marciel

[Kat]

I wrote a letter for my parents.  I didn't end up needing it for my mom, but I had my dad read it then come talk with me after he finished reading.  Just be careful when writing the letter.  Since its in print, it gives you a good time to go over what you are going to say and how to word it.  I tried to make mine not very confrontational, and tried to add some scientific data and such.  I also put some recommended reading at the end if they wanted to know more (which they did).

Best of luck with telling your mom, I know how stressing it can be 

[Gray Seraph]

Thanks Kat.

I'm not sure if I'm going to just directly confront my mother, because I have a lot to say. I feel i won't be able to get it all out just talking first. If I can tell her everything the way I want I think she may understand me better. It's probably a good idea to include recommended reading on the subject, like you said.

I'm already around the halfway point with my letter, so I might as well finish it. Maybe I won't need it when the time comes, but if it I can help me organize my thoughts it can still be useful. This isn't going to be easy, but I have to try.

~Marciel