My wife an I have had an important conversation about my transition. She has intense problems being in public and forces herself to leave the house for work and errands. She was severely beaten many many times by her father (a minister) as a small child and has deep emotional scars from it. The result is that she cannot stand anyone paying attention to her and she does everything she can to blend in. So my becoming a female has a really different component to be accepted in our marriage. She cannot and will not be part of me dressing as a woman in public. As I dress now, I am basically looking like a sissy, effeminate male with boobs. This she can handle. I even carry a big leather shoulder bag. A purse, really.
However, if I don lipstick or put on a skirt, that is not something she will not be part of. She likens it to having a gross disfigurement and that everybody will stare at me. This she could not bear to see or be near. Would she object if I wear these in the house, (if I owned them)? Possibly. Could I go out alone in them. Also possibly. However, if I transition to the stage where my inner woman is satisfied, I'm going to only be allowed to be myself without her. The really difficult thing for me is that my inner woman is getting stronger every day and demanding to be free.
My wife loves me and I love her. We do not want to part and also cannot survive, financially, apart. I have been restricting my development for many years because of not wanting to upset her. I think I stick out more this way than if I was in a dress and let my long hair flow down my bust. I could pass at least part of the time. At 56, women don't usually look as feminine anyway. No matter, this is my lot, the wall I can never get through.
She has told me that she does not relate to forums and will not join one. As a result, I am posting this here for her but probably won't tell her that I did. She has had therapy in the past for other issues but given the complexities of this problem, who would she see anyway?
