Belonging to an older generation who grew up at a time and in a place where gender identity issues were simply not on the radar, my only experience of dealing with parents was when my mother discovered my collection of girls clothes. I was probaly about 15 or 16 at the time.
I ended up having to explain myself to both my Dad and my Mum and I think they were just as embarassed as I was so there was very little questioning and, in order to avoid everyone getting out of their depth, the whole incident was simply swept under the carpet. My two brothers and two sisters never heard about it. At the time I was just left with a feeling of great shame and the impression that I was all alone with a perversion that neither I nor anyone else could understand.
I quit home and country in 1976 when I was only 18. I finally came out to my brothers and sisters last summer. As we don't live in the same country, I haven't seen them since my Dad passed away a few years back. I was already on HRT for over a year at the time and they found my complexion a bit different but obviously couldn't put their fingers on it.
Strangely, given how distant we have been over the years, the reactions to my coming out were still quite passionnate, ranging from sadness and feelings of guilt at one end of the spectrum to incomprehension and anger at the other end.
Since then, three out of four of my siblings have adjusted quite well. One of my brothers even came to visit me last November. Unfortunately his visit coincided with a long electrolysis session so my appearance was a real mess but otherwise it went really well and we have actually been communicating more often since. I also expect to see my two sisters some time over the months ahead. With all three of them, I would say that on balance, my coming out has brought us closer or, at minimum, lead to more open conversations than we ever had before.
However, I have my eldest brother who has decided to shut me out of his life completely, even going as far as to disinvite me from his daughter's wedding no matter what way I proposed to show up. I feel some sorrow over this as I like my niece very much and also her husband to be but I think that at the end of the day it is more his loss than mine.
Against this, my experience with my friends has been overwhelming positive, right from the first time I came out with no one distancing themselves from me afterwards.
I have asked myself a few times why the reaction from my siblings, who I have relatively little contact with, was so much more passionnate than the reaction from friends with whom I have shared far more over the last 30+ years. I guess the answer is because family really is special. Our place in a family is almost built into our genes: boy, girl, eldest, youngest etc. and all of this is so deeply engrained that it is particularly difficult for family members to accept a change that upsets a status quo which has existed from those earliest, most formative years. For my eldest brother, I have remained to this day, the kid brother, someone he feels he needs to protect but also someone who should look up to him and listen to him. By going my own way, I have broken the rules and for now, he can't cope with the change. In his case, the fact that he is homophobic, transphobic and misogynous just happens to be an aggravating circomstance...
Anyway, all of that to say that going through a transition often does require establishing some distance from a family who will always have more difficulty accepting what appears to be a hugely radical change than others. If you are not yet independant it is even more difficult but even with family, it is amazing how much sorts itself out with time. Why, because family is always family.
Tant qu'il y a de la vie, il y a de l'espoir
Bises from France.
Donna
