My big dark secret is that over 25 years ago, i had started hormone therapy with a doctor, after feeling myself to be a girl ever since i was little. Yesterday, I came out to my wife and am helping her deal with that, she's in an awful state at the moment, and i am looking for some way to help her. Perhaps there are some answers, and experiences, in this forum.
Folks around me were awfully confused. I had no desire to run with the boys unless they were doing something that interested me. Most other kids thought i was just weird and quiet, and that distance was just fine for me. My best friends were three sisters who lived in the neighbourhood... their mother accepted me for who i was, asked no questions, consoled and fed me if i showed up at the door needing a good cry.
As a teen the confusion of others turned to rejection. Straight girls, women... seemed to instinctively know that something was different about me, that i didn't 'have what it takes'. Which didn't make sense, I can chop & haul wood, drive a car, work wood and do a lot of traditionally masculine things, better than most men today. So romantic love for me was mostly confined to 'just friends' types of relationships.
Then after university i met a girl who was bi, we enjoyed the sex together very much... well i am multiorgasmic and feel sex all over my body, not just in the genitalia... most orgasms don't involve ejaculation, but a general response all over my body. But i digress. I came out to her... and her response was along the lines of 'I KNEW IT' but also enthusiastic and supportive.
In 1987 i began HRT, and; because i was young and not really developed as a male... very little body hair, fair skin... we passed together as a lesbian couple... even at the beach (took pains not to get _too_ close to others). Such happy times.
But some of the changes disturbed her... especially when my erections were fewer and not as strong. I still loved to make love, but for me making love is a lot more than pounding somebody. A lot more. She left me, with some unkind words. My mother also withdrew her support, telling me that i was ruining my life. It broke me down.
I was depressed, stopped the hormones, threw my clothes away. Then life intervened... career, interests... life just happened. Had different careers, even a small business. As the testosterone surged, i quickly found that i could grow a beard. I grew and wore that beard as a mask for the next 25 years, doing my best to fit in.
Only recently, 25 years later, it all began to fall apart for me. My wife knows that I'm different somehow, and doesn't seem to like what she sees. I travel a lot for work now, and when i'm home i sleep on the couch, alone with my thoughts.
My greatest fear and obstacle is male pattern baldness... which came along with the beard. I can face up to the rest; not afraid of change but often hurt by rejection.
Male habits? Well, my attempt, a quarter century ago, to create a male persona, was often a caricature, and was based on the male role models available back then. Scoffing at diet and exercise, learning to walk and talk like uncle Charlie, eating the biggest beefsteak, then chopping & hauling wood in a checked flannel shirt. Being loud and obstreperous. All the while, at my core, i hated it. And hating it, failed to take care of and nurture myself. For years, behaved as if there were no tomorrow... got in debt... only cleaned myself up after having my first child... wow what a wake-up call !!! i realised that i wanted to live. Did my best to provide a good male role model, even though, in my quiet moments, i knew that i was just an actress in drag.
I don't hate men, just how most men behave. I know some wonderful men. I also know that i can't go on with the acting. No regrets about the past 25 years... i have two brilliant, wonderful children, 26 and 11 and wouldn't change a thing if i could. However, i am more than ready now to move on with my life. So while it may seem like rushing, on one hand; on the other hand Transition is a path that i know and have already walked. As Robert Frost wrote, 'two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and i --- i took the one less travelled by... and that has made all the difference'.
