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Have mixed feelings and regrets sort of.

Started by Larisa, April 16, 2013, 08:56:23 PM

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Larisa

So I still havent been able to figure out if Im bigender or transgender inside. Sometimes, I feel like a guy basically and others days Im thinking like a girl completely. Sometimes, I wonder if I could have lived life as a girl and why was I born a boy instead of a girl. I wonder if being born a boy was wrong or not. Like I feel regretful, I didnt become a girl when I was way younger like at 6 or 7 and other times I couldnt see my guy side left behind. I know that a girl lives in me and all along with my guy side. Im still thinking of talking to a therapist about this possibly but would rather not want to. Like I think I should have been born a girl, had periods, had breasts and all to the point of I get very sad over not being born a girl. Other times, Im like no I should not have and am glad I wasnt born a girl. It's a confusing thing and I dont know if Im bigender or transgender still. Im so lucky to be able to come here and talk about this without judgement. This forum has been helpful to me!

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Kelly J. P.

 Well, perhaps you should express both sides of yourself a bit more. You don't have to transition if you don't want to, and it wouldn't be advisable if you only want to transition half the time in any case.

Dress it up a bit and have some fun. :) The experience could be enlightening.
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Larisa

and Ive done a few things like Ive mentioned in other posts. Trying to grow my hair longer, fuller and blonde. I do my my nails on my feet, wear some girls shirts hidden, my necklaces for example. Just hard to go out being seen with girl shirts, necklaces, painted nails and so on as what will others say.

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Beth Andrea

Quote from: Larisa1983 on April 16, 2013, 09:28:15 PM
and Ive done a few things like Ive mentioned in other posts. Trying to grow my hair longer, fuller and blonde. I do my my nails on my feet, wear some girls shirts hidden, my necklaces for example. Just hard to go out being seen with girl shirts, necklaces, painted nails and so on as what will others say.

That's normal. Each time I did something new (nail polish, dangly earrings, makeup, girl's blouse...pants...skirt...) I had to take one of my "chill pills" (anti-anxiety med) to get through it the first time.

After that, easy breezy. Now I can't go out in "guy mode" at all, even with the chill pills (if I were inclined to take them to be a "guy" again, which I'm not)

Take your time, transitioning isn't a race to see who can do it fastest. (I'm about 2 years in, btw).

Rough timetable in my process, to give an idea:

Jan 2011--found myself.
March 2011--ears pierced.
May 2011--danglies worn, nails painted. Women's sandals worn.
July 2011--started wearing women's underwear, tried going back to guy's, was NOT happening...
Oct 2011--Advised wife that I was intending to get on hormones.
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Feb 2012--got on HRT
Mar 2012--Started wearing makeup (foundation)
April 2012--started wearing powder over the foundation.
May 2012--Changed my name at work, came "out" to my co-workers.
June 2012--Changed my name with the court. Went FT.
Aug 2012--Started wearing eyeshadow.
Oct 2012--Gave a heads-up to my work that I will be using the women's restroom soon.
Nov 2012--Started using lipstick.
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March 2013--Started using the women's restroom. (Almost peed my pants over this one, LOL)
April 2013--Still am a work in progress.

Good luck with your journey! One step at a time, get comfortable with it...then on to the next, if you feel a need.
...I think for most of us it is a futile effort to try and put this genie back in the bottle once she has tasted freedom...

--read in a Tessa James post 1/16/2017
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Kade1985

I would suggest seeing a therapist even if you don't like the idea. A therapist can really help. They will help you sort through these emotions and get to the bottom of what you truly need or want in life.

Do what makes you happy most of all. It seems like by hiding your feminine side puts stress on you and adds to the depression. Live life don't be afraid of it
www.youtube.com/kadeforester <--- my weekly vlog for my transition
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Ltl89

There is no shame talking to a therapist.  They are there to help.  If not, go to someone else.  But, make sure you see someone who specializes in this area or at least has some experience. 

If you can't afford a therapist at the moment, then try going to support groups.  Talking about it out loud and sharing your experiences can be a huge relief.  It also may help you come to terms with your identity. 

And finally, there is always this community.  Many of the commentators here were a big inspiration to me when I felt ashamed and down on myself (even though I was just lurking and they don't know how helpful they were).   Now I have the courage to start being open and I'm planning on transitioning as soon as I can.  This is a great place to open up and opening up can be a huge step to self acceptance/realization.

As for your particular problem, it is ambiguous at best.  But, I will say that there are plenty of trans women who fear their identity and attempt to accept the "male side" as a way for normalcy.  Based on what you wrote, I can't tell if you are bigendered or simply feel afraid and are confused.  However, if you need someone to talk to or would like to share further information, everyone here and myself and there for you.

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Larisa

Well I made a couple jumps in the last weeks even I suppose. I will on somedays wear a girl's shirt under one of my hoodies and even have a few girl's shirt that are my favs. Still hidden but I do it. I wear necklaces without worrying and am not made fun of except by one guy. My hair, well Im finally not getting as much criticism except from that one person basically. He thinks it's all weird and such. He's a jerk but others Im not sure if they know it's the girl in me or not dont make jokes about it unless I start making fun of my hair. I even have started to comb it and all at work out in the open using my iphone as a mirror. The long hair I want is growing acceptance by more people around me. I have also been openly critical of how I dislike facial hair and chest hair. This is just a few things for example of what Ive done but Im slow at this kinda thing and am shy at this. I also want to get a facial jaw adjustment, my facial hair gone permanently, some hair work done like making it thicker and all and have told people this. Talking to a therapist Im still not ready to do just yet. There's only 1 person Ive ever told that Im bigender or atleast I could be. If I turn out to find out Im transgender, Im not ashamed at that. I am me and I should do what makes me happy.
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Ltl89

Well, if you still aren't sure of everything, experimenting can be a great way to learn.   It seems like you are enjoying taking steps to feminize yourself, so why not enjoy going forward in a way that you are comfortable without worrying about your identity.  If you find that dressing more androgynously is good enough for you, than that's fine.  Not everyone is transgender or needs to transition.  It is a very individual thing.  But if you feel that it isn't enough it is worth addressing. Honestly, discovering ones identity can take time and isn't so simple for everyone.  Just be you and enjoy the ride.  With more experimentation and actively being self aware, you are bound to find out. 

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Beth Andrea

Quote from: Larisa1983 on April 18, 2013, 07:26:15 PM
Well I made a couple jumps in the last weeks even I suppose. I will on somedays wear a girl's shirt under one of my hoodies and even have a few girl's shirt that are my favs. Still hidden but I do it. I wear necklaces without worrying and am not made fun of except by one guy. My hair, well Im finally not getting as much criticism except from that one person basically. He thinks it's all weird and such. He's a jerk but others Im not sure if they know it's the girl in me or not dont make jokes about it unless I start making fun of my hair. I even have started to comb it and all at work out in the open using my iphone as a mirror. The long hair I want is growing acceptance by more people around me. I have also been openly critical of how I dislike facial hair and chest hair. This is just a few things for example of what Ive done but Im slow at this kinda thing and am shy at this. I also want to get a facial jaw adjustment, my facial hair gone permanently, some hair work done like making it thicker and all and have told people this. Talking to a therapist Im still not ready to do just yet. There's only 1 person Ive ever told that Im bigender or atleast I could be. If I turn out to find out Im transgender, Im not ashamed at that. I am me and I should do what makes me happy.

Exactly! You're doing well, and very similar to what I did prior to coming out...

Before I came out to work and all, people would ask me about my earrings, evidence of laser on my face, nail polish etc..."Why you doing that? You're starting to look like a girl! I bet you do your toenails, too!"

My response was always, "Well...why should girls have all the fun and pretty stuff? I like it, I like having pretty nails (or whatever was mentioned). "I'm getting laser done because I'm tired of shaving, and I think I look better without a permanent 5 O'clock shadow..."

That was enough to allay their concerns, but of course when I did come out (about a year after beginning the decorative processes LOL), nobody was really surprised.

...I think for most of us it is a futile effort to try and put this genie back in the bottle once she has tasted freedom...

--read in a Tessa James post 1/16/2017
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Larisa

Thing is Im not looking for attention by anyone unless it's me joking about it. I will talk about it but I dont want the attention of people guessing if I do my nails or not for example. Im a pretty private person when it comes to that and if people want to talk, they will but I prefer that they not guess and such. More and more people are respectful of what they know. Im not the type of person to go out and say Im transgender, bigender or what for one how people can be and Im just not an announcer of most things.

I probably will see a therapist when I feel its the right time.
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Ltl89

I can completely relate.  I am a very shy and private person in general.  I haven't transitioned myself, but I am planning on doing it ASAP (aka. when I can move out and afford everything,lol).  Hopefully, I will get a start before the summer.  But, I have the same fear about peoples reactions.  I have been bullied in the past, so I am always sensitive about not bringing myself into attention.  However, I know that it is unavoidable and I need to live for myself- not others.  It's tough, but needs to be done.  A therapist can be a great way to help develop this strength.  I myself can't wait to go to one for this very reason.

At the very least you could always come out to a support group or close friends.  Believe me, having people in your life that you can express yourself in an open fashion is a great way to develop some confidence.  It could give you some room to experiment and learn more about your identity without fearing negative attention. 
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Larisa

Im glad Im not alone in how I feel. Im glad Im not the only person who's afraid to speak up due to society's ways. I do journal my feelings about this all and it's been helping me figure many things out. Until last year, I didnt even realize this about me until a girl indirectly kicked my mind into thinking about this all. So many things guys do that I just dont understand why they behave the way they do. Im still not sure if Im bigender or transgender. Maybe this journal I write in could help me when or if I see a therapist.
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Ltl89

 
Quote from: Larisa1983 on April 21, 2013, 01:26:52 PM
Im glad Im not alone in how I feel. Im glad Im not the only person who's afraid to speak up due to society's ways. I do journal my feelings about this all and it's been helping me figure many things out. Until last year, I didnt even realize this about me until a girl indirectly kicked my mind into thinking about this all. So many things guys do that I just dont understand why they behave the way they do. Im still not sure if Im bigender or transgender. Maybe this journal I write in could help me when or if I see a therapist.

Self examination never hurts, so that sounds like a good plan.  Just take it day by day and you will learn more.  Therapy and support groups are useful as well, but I understand if you aren't ready for all of that yet. Believe me, I understand that self acceptance and developing confidence is the most important step.  In the mean time, if you ever have questions or need some additional support, everyone is here for you :)
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Evy

Seems you have it well down, dairy, therapist, but i see a maybe and an if in there.
Just a heads up, i waited till time told me, and i deeply regret it, it's probably the hardest problem to figure out and accept for yourself.
See the therapist, talking with somebody else face to face will help you get to know yourself, strangely how that sounds but it was also true for some parts in my therapy.
Being trapped in your mind with the same realizations can be hard, and stun your evolution, that's why I recommend seeing the therapist for sure.

May you find what you are looking for
My blessings
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