My plate is too small

[Lesley_Roberta]

Warning, I am in an unhappy angry mood brought on by too many things none of them really ever seeming to end.

My plate is too full. I don't have room for more issues, more reasons to need to care about yet another thing clamoring for my consideration.

Take Boston for instance, yes horrible, no argument there, hope no one you know was hurt. But, I can't seem to find anything in me to care. I don't care. I don't have cable and I am glad. I don't watch news and I am glad. The news never has enough to offer to make it worth the over whelming drain it truly is.

I am 1 year off of celebrating my 20th year of life telling me to pink off and die (note to viewers, I plan to replace unacceptable words with colours from now on, they're just words and I can pick any I like I suppose).
In 1994, I was told I had fybromyalgia. Poof I went from having no education worth mention (officially), to a career in the army (which fizzled), to a reasonable job (which I had to leave for inability to do it), to a worthless excuse of a job (which rolled over and died due t stress), to designing a business (which would have worked), to being told my health had crashed and burned. So lets see, that's several moments I might have been something, but nope. And then life finally telling me to stop even trying.

I don't even want to list all that was wrong from 2000 to 2010.
But with my learning of being transgender, I simply have run out of plate.
My son won't be inheriting the family business that never happened.
The wife's health is in rotten shape and I suspect that I am to blame there.
And now I am dealing with living in the wrong body, and with very little in the way of leeway in coping with it.

I am finding it very hard to be 'nice' some days, as I am just too tired.
I walk down the street and my mind spends too much time inventing imaginary affronts from people I pass. I then spend time fixating on how I would respond, and all the while, nothing actually happened of course.

My plate is too full. I'm losing my capacity to care at all.
It's not the person I am.
I am not a mean vicious spirited indifferent person.
But I find myself becoming that way too much.
One of my favourite wishes, it happens to be the entire human race in a blink of an eye is transformed into hermaphrodites and the whole notion of gender rendered entirely moot. There would be no cis people, no male or female. You might not look as pretty as some or as handsome as some, but you'd all be virtually omni gendered.

Then I would make it so the world had to pick one religion, merge every last one of them into a single blob.
You'd have a choice, believe in the unproven and unprovable, or not.
Poof I'd have eliminated all the world's offensive divisive garbage.

My plate would suddenly have a lot more space on it.
I wouldn't be reading about all the effort wasted on same sex marriage, and I wouldn't be left wondering what religion was responsible for today's headlines.

I am hoping to work on some woodworking needs today.
And no doubt, every time I hammer in a nail, I will no doubt be thinking someone's head.

[spacial]

To extend the analogy, can you think about dealing with a few bits at a time?

Firstly, accepting that you aren't going to make it. It's a pain, it's frankly insulting, but speaking as someone else in that position, I understand.

Can you possibly see about getting a orchdectomy? That will, at least, help with many of the more unpleasant aspects of being transgender. And, it will be a lot cheaper, in the long run, to pay for whatever medicines you may need, than the chemical route, which I can't do and perhaps you can't.

Can you get your name changed. It may seem small, but it is a marker for you.

I'm making suggestions of small things which might make the larger place not seem quite so daunting. But at the end of the day, you are in the same boat as I and others. It isn't going to happen for us. What we have left is encouraging and supporting those for whom it will.

That alone, is no small thing. It's keeping me alive.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Orchdectomy had to look that up.

Well not being able to knock anyone up, it's not something I need at this stage 🙂 I would not miss it.

I think the wife would not miss me constant 'need', I know I'd like a rest from it. Part of me of course would suffer, but then, I KNOW a woman suffers from loss of breasts, or loss of the ladies parts that make mommies possible. It's a loss of something we are cursed with thinking is vital.

I would not miss the testosterone, and if it made me less aggressive less prone to angry hostile mind set, I'd be happy for it.
It's been on my list of things to ponder.

The name change is a mere 137 dollar event. I paused on this earlier as a concession to the wife to scale back the speed of things happening to me. It's a legal thing with limited merit. I mean, sure I can get a new name on my credit card I suppose. Which I don't use much at all. It's one of those shifts that really has limited worth. Likely not worthy of the fight. When I die, it won't matter what I was called. They can write anything they want on the rock eh. I won't be around to be upset.

The wife is dealing with depression and not having a lot of success. Unfortunately, I was where she is, and in my case I told drugs tohit the road. I told them to get lost I wasn't buying the story. But she is into needing them, and some people genuinely believe in them. I am sure they are needed by some, but, I am not buying that as many that use them, need them.

And she's an adult and my wife, not my daughter 🙂 It's not like I can tell her 'do this' and expect her to listen.

So much of what vexes me is situational and beyond my ability to affect.
Not having my health, basically limits my choices.
Being on a pension means, what I do and choose to do, where great expense is concerned, it's not a matter of knuckling under and finding the funds or doing extra work. Some stuff is covered and some stuff not. Each month, I manage to get to the next month with no debt load worth comment. I mean, I have some debt on my plastic. I could be sitting here with no debt on plastic if I had to. But each month, it is the same sum of cash, and it is just not possible to dump surprise needs on it. Someone telling me I could have all my dreams for 5000 bucks, well that's about 4500 too much for me. And a 500 dollar investment is the same as locking up all my cash for most of a year.

I love walking and it's a good thing, because owning a car is about the same as affording transitioning.

I have only been openly and intently coping and dealing with this whole mess that is transgender, since I guess last November. So not really more than half a year. Not exactly a long time. Next month my jewellery collection will have 3 choices to wear rather than the same thing every time. I am not sure I will succeed in feminizing my ward robe in any fashion this year. Not much to work with yet. Retail in the area is also very sparse. I am hoping to find tops that seem like T shirts, just made in a female manner. I am hoping to find shorts that allow me to show off some leg.

[spacial]

I do understand the frustrations of insurmountably limits.

But we each need to do whatever we can.

Incidentally, your wife's depression. If it isn't responding to the current treatment then she should be looking at something else. I obviously don't know what her regime is, but I can tell you, there are many different types of depression and it is important to find the correct solution.

[Lesley_Roberta]

She's currently in the process of trying to sort it out. And as with everyone, it sometimes is not easy.