Family persuading you to pending transition

[sylvannus]

I'm wondering if your parents or friends have persuaded you in this way? My mom asked me to pending my transition, stop medication, and only crossdress in private so that I can use male privileges and avoid discrimination for my career life, until I make a big fortune or retire... Then start transition. Several of my transsexual friends agree, but I still feel weired.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

You need to live your life for you, and no one else.

[Ltl89]

I haven't experienced it, but this is why I am currently not able to start until I can afford moving out.  See, I know my family would hold me back from doing everything.  They would beg me not to do this and prevent me from moving forward as best they can.  I know they would be reacting out out of love, but it hurts to know I have to back away in order to be me.  Maybe I am too tough on my family and they will accept it all with open arms.  I suspect they probably know quite enough because there are lots of signs and everyone knows I am quite different.  I have had my share of odd conversations where it seems like they are hinting that they know something; however, I suspect that they just think I am gay and want me to come out as just that.  But maybe it is all okay and it's just in my head.  Yet, I am too scared about them holding me back because I am dependent on them.  Right now I am trying to get a job that will allow me to afford rent (which is ridiculously high here in NY).  Then I will get to start everything without needing or requiring anyone's approval.  It will be hard and I can't expect their approval off the bat, but I know they will come around eventually because they love me.  For now, I just need to work on me being happy. 

So, I can totally relate.  The only advice I can give you is say be true to yourself.  Live for you and all those who love you will fall in line in time.  If they don't, they are missing out and aren't worthy of your love and respect.  But that's a secondary concern. For now, just be true to yourself and work on moving along in a path that will allow you to do so 

[Joanna Dark]

I'm wondering if your parents or friends have persuaded you in this way? My mom asked me to pending my transition, stop medication, and only crossdress in private so that I can use male privileges and avoid discrimination for my career life, until I make a big fortune or retire... Then start transition. Several of my transsexual friends agree, but I still feel weired.

Don't do this. Do you really want to wait your whole life to start transition? That sounds horrible, terrible, ghastly. I mean, and this is just me, I put off transitioning too long already and feel like I wasted so much time but I know if I start right now and deal with what I have to deal with that one day when die (and I hope to live for a long time ) that I will have spent 2/3 or 1/2 my life as a woman like I was supposed to. Plus why put of til tomorrow what you can do today?

[Misato]

I had a ton of anger building up in me when I tried to not transition, mind clouded with thoughts like, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T TRANSITION!!!!" and "DON'T YOU KNOW I'M SUFFERING TO KEEP YOU HAPPY!!!!??!!".  Such thoughts were making me a very nasty, ugly person.  I'm not optimistic you would find a different experience cause I've seen it repeat in others.

And you are being discriminated against right now, by having to be in the closet.  Cismen and ciswomen don't have to be in the closet, they can just be themselves.  If you're going to be discriminated against, why not for something that'll make you authentic instead of to make someone else "happy" while your suffering only increases?

Good luck.

[Kade1985]

As I don't know your family or friends my best guess is, at least your mother, isn't trying to hinder your transition as much as she is simply concerned that you might run into something that would prevent you from living a decent life. That's my assumption though. I don't know if she's tried to hinder your process in the past or reacted to your coming out.

In the end you need to do what you feel is best for yourself though. Don't let anyone tell you differently. But like I said I assume that your mother speaks more on the lines of concern than trying to keep you from being happy.

[Eveline]

...so that I can use male privileges and avoid discrimination for my career life, until I make a big fortune or retire... Then start transition...

Honey, making a big fortune is a big "if", and retirement is a long time to wait.

This "less risky" approach may actually be "more risky" in that you could end up bitterly disappointed that you didn't follow your heart when you were young.

And I can tell you, the farther you get into your "male privileged" career, the harder it is to transition.

So. More advice from old people. Take it for what it's worth.  ;P

[Jayr]

I was 14 years old when I told my mom I was male.
She was completely fine with it, but made me promise I'd wait till I was 18 to treatment.
I promised, and yeah. She's always been my biggest supporter.

Some here have to understand the difference between an a**hole parent and a concerned parent.

My mom freaked out at first, she was scared for me and she had every right too be.
Suicide, physical assault, discrimination rates...all that go way up high for us. It can be scary for any parent.
My mom was also concerned hormones and surgeries for this kinda stuff weren't safe yet.

My advice: Keep her involved 100% in every single step of your transition, it'll reassure.
                 Even if she's not cooperating at the moment, just drop her an email whenever you plan to move forward with something.
                 Explain everything too her, educate her. She should come around eventually.

[sylvannus]

As I don't know your family or friends my best guess is, at least your mother, isn't trying to hinder your transition as much as she is simply concerned that you might run into something that would prevent you from living a decent life. That's my assumption though. I don't know if she's tried to hinder your process in the past or reacted to your coming out.

In the end you need to do what you feel is best for yourself though. Don't let anyone tell you differently. But like I said I assume that your mother speaks more on the lines of concern than trying to keep you from being happy.

Yes, she actually believes I am totally destroying my life in madness. You might understand her concern if you have read my description of TG life in China in reply #15 of the thread "How global are we really". (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,139273.msg1126393.html#msg1126393) It's quite long so I can't paste it here.

I am definitely reluctant to abandon transition, but as she keeps persuading and I keep refusing, both of us are falling into depression. And she has cut off any support for my study because she said she and my dad are now too depressed to go to work, because of me and my transition.

[Anna_81]

You need to live your life for you, and no one else.

I think this pretty much sums it up and it's also what my therapist has just told me
I have been hanging on for a few years now just to make others around me happy, and seriously it
just is'nt worth it!!!! I am 32, but wish I had got therapy years ago when I thought I was just a run of the mill cross dresser lol.
Good luck, Im sure you will make the right choice, just trust your instinct and you will be fine
Hugs Anna.

[spacial]

sylvannus

You understand the issues better than most. This comment by your mother, in particular, highlights the cultural differences.

This is really what it all boils down to love. To what extent can you reasonably reconcile the demands and expectations of your own culture with the one which most of us belong to?

I can say, that my own decision to put my own transition on hold was by a long way, the biggest mistake of my life. But I am looking at that through my own eyes. More, I'm looking at that with the memories I have of how things did work out.

Now I get the impression that what your mother is saying is that your feelings should be a dirty little secret, which you should only do in private.

Can you reasonably live with that? Can you express yourself as a secret?

Equally, what are your realistic expectations as a transgender person? Can make a decent career? Can you survive?

You see, change has to start somewhere. You have already indicated that you know of other transgender people in your society. And you have described some of their problems.

You will be part of that.

Your mother and others seem to see that as a pitiful destination. I can understand that. It may have been my own, when I was younger.

But you may see that as a start of a greater change in your own society. Change starts with one voice.

[Joanna Dark]

Yes, she actually believes I am totally destroying my life in madness. You might understand her concern if you have read my description of TG life in China in reply #15 of the thread "How global are we really". (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,139273.msg1126393.html#msg1126393) It's quite long so I can't paste it here.

I am definitely reluctant to abandon transition, but as she keeps persuading and I keep refusing, both of us are falling into depression. And she has cut off any support for my study because she said she and my dad are now too depressed to go to work, because of me and my transition.

I read your previous post about TG life in China and I can definitely understand where your coming from. It's one thing not being accepted by your family and having to distance yourself but it's another thing if the entire society could outcast unless you are 100 percent stealth and never make a mistake. Couldn't you stay in Australia? Move to America? I hope things work out for you.