House full of (cis) guys

[krakenshay]

This summer I am subletting while I work. The sublet is cheap and very nice. The only thing is this house has 4 cis guys in it. I have never lived exclusively with cis guys before and I am starting to freak out. I have never met them and will be meeting them next week, possibly the night I move in.

My email to them reads as male, both my birth name and my email name (personal use) have gender neutral names so they assumed male I'm guessing. I am pre everything and from a safety perspective what would you guys suggest I do? I am going to live here obviously cause its cheap and I am in a phase in my life where I am forcing myself not to back down from things that scare me ( I have been doing this all my life) so any tips to make this safe for me and also to make this summer the best it can. I DJ and wanted to suggest to them that I am down to dj any house parties they have etc just to create rapport. Is this a good idea?

I really need your help. Thanks.

[Lord of the Dance]

Tricky situation. Have you already signed a contract? I only ask because, disregarding all the trans stuff at the moment, there's no guarantee you'll even like the guys you're with, which would instantly make things even more difficult. Is there no way you can meet them  a little earlier, before you move in? If you have the opportunity to meet them on "neutral ground," as it were, you might be able to better gauge the situation. The tricky part is that, unless you pass REALLY well, you being pre-T is likely going to raise a lot of questions in their minds. It's unlikely they'll say anything but, unfortunately, they probably will be wondering "what the deal is". Being trans probably won't be the first thing that crosses their minds, though. The unfortunate truth of the matter is that depending on how well you pass it might well be that they simply read you as female (which, of course, is not ideal)

If they do read you as female you're going to either need to be assertive and correct them, or be prepared to disclose your status. I know it isn't an ideal situation but unfortunately that might be the safest way to go forward.

If it's worrying you perhaps you might consider shooting them a quick email in advance. If you're not happy to tell them that you're trans you could maybe just say that you've got some kind of hormone imbalance that causes you to look a little younger than you are, and that you're pretty sensitive about it. Just say maybe that you were getting anxious about it and just wanted to flag it up in advance so they're not caught by surprise and to put your mind at ease.

It really is a difficult situation and I completely feel for you, it's not easy and I don't think you should have to disclose that you're trans if you don't want to, but it's really just a matter of what makes you comfortable. In the interest of safety it would be good to prepare an excuse or defence in case they do start asking awkward questions (like the previously mentioned hormone issue) or just let them know in advance so that at least both parties can be prepared.

Having said that, there might be no issues whatsoever and they might even be totally cool with absolutely everything and ask no questions, which would be lovely.

Sadly, whichever way you look at it, going into a house with strangers is always going to be a risk, even for those without the added issues of being trans. It's good that you're taking steps to conquer your fears but try not to put yourself in unnecessary difficulty. The biggest piece of advice I can really give you is try not to worry. I would, personally, be very tempted to just write them beforehand, either with an "excuse" or just saying "hey, just to let you know, I'm transgender. So yeah. Just wanted to make things easier for the both of us."

[Mr.X]

I have lived with 3-4 guys before in a shed in Mexico during one of my internships, and I can tell you, as a trans person you're probably going to love it. Cis guys are awesome, laid back and generally fun. I had a blast. But I wasn't out trans to them, so just a girl to them. It sucked, but I still wanted to hide my girly features, so might be able to help.

I don't know how well you pass, but if you do, going stealth might work for you. Especially if you are only staying there for a few months. However, there might be a few things that you should consider.

A few things that I ran into: Shark week. I have always been very secretive about this. It's already hard enough to admit to myself that it exists and torments me, so admitting it to others is a huuuuuge no no. Living with guys will mean that there won't be an extra disposal for that kind of waste in the bathroom. Prepare for that. Also, because you'll need femine products, be prepared to have to be sneaky about that if you decide to go stealth.

If you end up being friendly with them, wrestling and just testing strength will not be unheard of. I noticed guys love to play tease, and ending up in mockfights. You may have to decide if you'll be up for that, or if you're going to be the 'level headed' guy who grew past that phase.

It might be wise to just go there and see what kind of people they are. Are they open minded? Would they be likely to accept someone who's transsexual. If they do, then being honest would cause the least worries and stress.

[krakenshay]

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate both takes. I cant go see them before i move in cause im on a different coast 4 time zones away.
I am going back to a city I lived (as a girl ) for 6 yrs during the last 3 of those 6 I started presenting masculine to the point that I get questioned about my gender or get called a guy at first glance by people I have just met. So while I pass pretty decently, my past there makes it impossible to be completely stealth. However, I won't offer info unless asked directly.

So I don't think I will out myself, however due to knowing a lot of people in that city it may come to their attention and I think I can deal with it then. I want myself to shine through.
I have been on T officially 2 wks, unofficially about 2 months (gel) so the shark week thing is coming to an end but it is something I am pretty secret about in general.

I am also small, so rough housing may not be my thing, however I am v laid back and down to drink/ hang with them etc when I can.

This is an opportunity to grow into the type of guy I see myself as, by being in an environment with just guys.

It should be fine, well I hope it will be. If it isn't I have friend there, there is not lease per say just an agreement that I have to hand over once I'm there. I have paid may rent already so I kinda have to spend at least that month there.

Thanks so much. Hopefully I can hear from other guys who have been in this situation or who generally have advice on how they view the situation.

[DriftingCrow]

A few things that I ran into: Shark week. I have always been very secretive about this. It's already hard enough to admit to myself that it exists and torments me, so admitting it to others is a huuuuuge no no. Living with guys will mean that there won't be an extra disposal for that kind of waste in the bathroom. Prepare for that. Also, because you'll need femine products, be prepared to have to be sneaky about that if you decide to go stealth.
.

If your shark week is coming to an end soon, this might not be worth the money, but you can always try a menstrual cup. They're roughly $30 and you don't throw them away. You just shove it up there, and then after a few hours you just take it out, rinse it, and then put it back up there. There's also the disposable version called Instead, there's one that you throw away at the end of the period and another that you throw away once a day. The insteads are cheaper.

[krakenshay]

Thanks learnedhand,

I am aware of cups. However, I don't like being penetrated so inserting stuff is out of the question. I apologize if this is triggering for some, Cause i am almost hyperventilating writing this. Menstruating wasn't really something I was concerned about, more so just social interactions and social expectations for residing with cis guys. I have mostly roomed / housed with cis females.

In any case, appreciate the feedback.
Cheers.

[spacerace]

I have 2 cismale roommates.   Guys can easily exist in the same room in silence, I've noticed - which is nice, because I don't always want to have a conversation just because I ran into the kitchen to get a drink, etc.  There's no dramatic confrontation issues, either. If someone does something that bothers someone, we just tell each other and there are no hard feelings. It is very laid back.

My advice is tell them about being trans - it may be weird, but it will be way less weird than them trying to guess what is up with you, given you have not medically transitioned.  Plus, people, even cool, normal-seeming people, can be transphobic.  Since you'll be living with them, you want to get that out in the open upfront to avoid any issues.

[Jamie D]

Buy some air freshener!

[aleon515]

I don't know how you DON'T tell them. You are going to be changing on T a lot faster than a cis guy is changing on T. Maybe someone else knows more about this, as I haven't actually ever done this. I would NOT want to move in with anyone sight unseen, but that's me.


--Jay

[krakenshay]

Buy some air freshener!

Hahaha, thanks for that.

I don't know how you DON'T tell them. You are going to be changing on T a lot faster than a cis guy is changing on T. Maybe someone else knows more about this, as I haven't actually ever done this. I would NOT want to move in with anyone sight unseen, but that's me.


--Jay

If I had an option I would go check it out, however i cant since i am all the way across the country. I m a lil trusting of this person because they are a student at the university, i should add that I am convocating from this same university in a few weeks. I have been out here for 4 months and heading back there for the summer so I know the city. However, I am thinking more about what to say or how to tell them im trans, i like the I have a hormonal problem hence a, b, c . But i also just kinda want to be as stealth about it as possible. i have about a week to freak out more.

[Simon]

I think it's unavoidable. They're going to know what's up. These days (especially in a University setting) spotting a transsexual isn't exactly like spotting a unicorn anymore. It has become far more common place. As someone else stated, there are no guarantees that they're not transphobic. Even if they're not they might not want to deal with it on a personal close quarters level.

I wish you good luck but personally speaking in the beginning stages of transition I would have told a potential roommate. I just think that you're going to spend a lot of energy trying to hide it. That's not fair to you really. It's your home. You should feel comfortable and safe there. The fact that you're asking this shows that you have a lot of apprehension about the whole situation. 

Not trying to be a wet blanket but it just sounds like a potential bad situation...if not bad at least extremely uncomfortable.

[krakenshay]

I am aware it is potentially a bad situation, hence trying to figure out the best way to handle this. I have spent my life hiding myself and not being truly open even when i went through the world cis. I am a loner by nature and will spend most of my time in my room when I am not working or working out or hanging out with people I work with. I don't want it to be uncomfortable, but to be real every interaction I have in life is v uncomfortable. My current living situation is uncomfortable, but for different reasons.

I am not sure what u mean be they would want to  deal with it on a close personal level, how more involved could they be? Other than knowing I can pay my rent and won't be in anyone's way?

Again, if I could have met potential roommate prior to paying for first month I would have, however the person I trust down there is not reliable and as such I wanted to make sure I have somewhere to rest my head in case my supposed friend bails (which is more likely than not).

I hate that I need to self identify and can't just be, but know its necessary from a safety perspective.

From what I am getting, people are people and I can't really predict what will happen except have some sort of plan b in case they do turn out to be trans* phobic.

So what I will do is probably try find somewhere to sleep the night I land and meet up with them early morning or something the next day and then see how they react to me and tell them my situation. Or maybe I should write a letter?

Would a letter be good for strangers?

[XchristineX]

Can I take your place?!? ( blushes )

[Lord of the Dance]

I am aware it is potentially a bad situation, hence trying to figure out the best way to handle this. I have spent my life hiding myself and not being truly open even when i went through the world cis. I am a loner by nature and will spend most of my time in my room when I am not working or working out or hanging out with people I work with. I don't want it to be uncomfortable, but to be real every interaction I have in life is v uncomfortable. My current living situation is uncomfortable, but for different reasons.

I am not sure what u mean be they would want to  deal with it on a close personal level, how more involved could they be? Other than knowing I can pay my rent and won't be in anyone's way?

Again, if I could have met potential roommate prior to paying for first month I would have, however the person I trust down there is not reliable and as such I wanted to make sure I have somewhere to rest my head in case my supposed friend bails (which is more likely than not).

I hate that I need to self identify and can't just be, but know its necessary from a safety perspective.

From what I am getting, people are people and I can't really predict what will happen except have some sort of plan b in case they do turn out to be trans* phobic.

So what I will do is probably try find somewhere to sleep the night I land and meet up with them early morning or something the next day and then see how they react to me and tell them my situation. Or maybe I should write a letter?

Would a letter be good for strangers?

I'm in favour of a letter, or an email sent before the meeting. It depends on you personally but I've always found it much easier to articulate what I'm trying to say. You have the benefit of being able to tweak and re-word until you convey exactly what you're trying to say. It also allows you to tell them only as much as you're willing to disclose. You don't have to deal with awkward questions on the spot, which I can find extremely anxiety provoking and I usually end up feeling pressured to tell them more than I wanted to initially.

Sorry if that doesn't make any sense! Kinda tired, haha.

I really do feel for you. I'm so sorry it's such a crappy situation, it's by no means easy and as I said before I really don't think it's fair that it comes down to you having to potentially out yourself. Everyone, as somebody else said, has the right to feel comfortable at ease in their own home. It's not fair at all. :[ Do keep us posted, k? Let us know what you decide to do and how it works out.

[mm]

This is a hard call to  make.  I have transitioned in college so the students I started with know my history and the ones who started this year know only if someone has told them.  I am seen as a guy by almost everyone; uses he/him around me all the time.  I am pre so shark week is still present.  I used the men's room and so tampons disposal is trying for me for those couple of days each month.  I would be temped to go slealth for the summer, hopefully you will have been on T long enough so shark week will be in your passed.  I looked at those menstrual cup once and quickly decide there was way too much handling of your parts down there getting it and out again for me ever to do.  Tampons work for me as I can forget about the mess once I get one in.  Good luck to you.

[spacerace]

Would a letter be good for strangers?

An email to whoever you are talking with to workout the renting arrangements would work. Several sentences at most.  You don't want to come across as full of issues.

"Just so you guys know upfront, I'm transgender. I was born female, but I am actually male. I use male pronouns, and I am medically transitioning. Is that a problem for any of you guys? If you any questions about this, feel free to ask." 

Just for clarity, I would include some sort of reference to the fact you were born female, as they will probably assume the other way around unless you tell them specifically. I tried to find a good way to word it above, but what I wrote still seems sorta awkward, so good luck.

I was loathe to include the "Is that okay?" part of that, as it feels like asking for permission. But, I have heard gay cisguys ask straight male roommates if they were cool living with them, ostensibly for the same reason some people want same-sex roommates. 

Some people have a visceral reaction to trans people, unfortunately.  Telling them upfront will let them work out at the sort of reaction amongst themselves before you get there, and if there is a major problem, you'll know ahead of time.  Especially since you want to hang out with them and everything.

[Simon]

I am not sure what u mean be they would want to  deal with it on a close personal level, how more involved could they be? Other than knowing I can pay my rent and won't be in anyone's way?

Since you asked I'll clarify. What I meant is even if they don't particularly have an issue with transgender people it doesn't necessarily mean that they would want to share their home with one. Yes, I know how that sounds but it's true. Have you ever had roommates? It's more than merely paying bills. It's occupying the same space. If someone hides in their room all the time that doesn't go over well usually.

I do hope it works out for you. You asked about writing them something. Maybe a quick email would suffice. I like what Spacerace put up as an example. It's not apologetic about who you are, it's just direct, and to the point.

[krakenshay]

Thanks Simon, I appreciate that. I know what you mean, I have had roommates before women though and  they we pretty chill. Though that's when I was just coming out as a lesbian and they thought I was going through a phase so I just mostly kept to myself.

I will go the route of the email. Thanks Spacerace for the example. I like it I will try edit to my liking but I like that as a first draft, straight to the point and unapologetic

At first I was just gonna go and hope for the best. But after this thread, definitely being proactive about it is a good idea. So thank you.

[Make_It_Good]

Hey Krakenshay,

Just wanted to say I hope everything goes well with your housemates. I was going to say that you should tell them beforehand, maybe email etc, but I see others have already persuaded you to :p

I moved into my friends house when I had to leave my familys. She let me stay there a few months, and her boyfriend was always there (Id never met him before) and she explained stuff to him beforehand. It was best that way. I was 18 and started T about the week I moved, and while I passed fine pre T, it could raise suspicions of why this (presumably to an outsider) 14 year old boy is living on his own. So being pre T, even if you pass I think could leave your housemates suspecting something is different. Being upfront will be the best option, its a much better scenario for them to have things explained, they can let that sink in and you not have to worry if the can tell, can they not tell etc, rather than them finding out down the line, or atleast, you tiptoeing around them for the whole time youre there.

Good luck.

[Squirrel698]

This is a tricky one.  So I'm just going to point out one thing.  People are willfully ignorant.  They don't want to know what they don't want to know.  If they don't want to know you are trans then they most likely will close their eyes less than obvious evidence.  The first impression is the impression that sticks.  When you meet them shake them firmly by the hand and look them in the eye.  Do not flinch back, do not look down submissively, do not feel subconscious.  Just stand firm in who you are.  Give that little nod of respect and exchange a few lines about something completely neutral, the weather for example.  They will carry that forward with you as a guy.  Perhaps a small guy but a guy nevertheless.  Guys are not complicated.  As long as you don't pose a threat to whatever hierarchy they are operating in, you are fine.  Just make sure you do your share of the household chores.

I would seriously not recommend the letter.  The letter makes it awkward for everybody.  It puts pressure on them.  When they have enough to worry about with moving in and starting school.  They might resent you for putting the extra worries on them.  If they are supportive of LGBT rights then they might be perfectly fine with it.  Then again they might be supportive but prefer people keep it in their own bedrooms.  Or they might not understand what transgender even means.  Or they might know what it means but don't want the bother of making a political statement.  Living with an open transperson does that to them.  It implicates them by seeing you as male despite what the rest of the world has to say.   

I don't know.  It's your life, not mine.  I hope it works out for you.  I'd be interesting in seeing how it unfolds.  So please keep us updated.