Coming Out at Work

[Gene]

Hey y'all. I'm currently experiencing a conundrum about how to come out at work. Let me paint y'all a picture...don't mind that it's with fingerpaints...

I work at a Domino's Pizza as a delivery driver in a suburb of Denver. I have my coworkers calling me by my preferred name instead of my legal one, and I wear male clothing (well, almost. They didn't  have my size in men's so I had to opt for the female equivalent, but I'm fixing to order my men's top). I also showed up to be interviewed wearing male attire. I kind of thought for a while my boss suspected something, but he was too polite to ask.

My coworkers seem to be very into the gender binary. There's not one of them that doesn't excrete traditional societal gender roles, and I have my reservations about their pool of experience. For example, we were joking the other day about how one of the guys lost his "man card" because he didn't eat a lot of bacon. They looked at me and I replied, "Don't look at me. My man card's still valid. I flippin' love bacon." The guy who trained me responded, "I hope not. I'd be worried then if I was your husband." (I'm married to a supportive pansexual, for the record) So that left me feeling a little like coming out would go over like a mistress at a funeral.

So, I'm uncertain of how or when to go about it, or even if I want to. All I know is whenever I hear "her" or "she" in reference to me, it just doesn't feel right. And when someone wrote my legal name under my preferred name on my locker label, it felt like someone had scrawled some venomous pejorative in an act of mindless vandalism. At times, I even feel guilty about hiding this from them.

Of course, I've also considered just not saying anything and waiting for them to notice the changes I undergo on T. When they question, I'll just respond, "What're you talking about? I've always sounded like this." But I'm a dick like that sometimes.

Please share your thoughts on this situation, or share your own experience in coming out at work. Did people react like y'all thought they would, or did they surprise you pleasantly?

[spacial]

If you think you can, I will suggest, given your descriptions, that you simply say I will be addressed with male pronouns and you will use this name.

Don't ask, simply announce.

If any forget, ignore it.

What you do need to be really careful of is putting yourself into a position where you become a target. No-one can afford to be the odd one out. The old maxim that you need to be popular to be different is relevant.

Now the other approach is to simply accept that this is just a job and however irksome it may be, it's better than unemployment.

As for the excrete traditional societal gender roles that I'd simply ignore. It's society. I know when I worked on building sites, I heard jokes that were racist, sexist and just about every other ist you can think of. Along with cussing that doubled the length of any conversation. But like most people, I ignore it. I can't change the world, or at least that part of it. All I can do is expect to be who I am and expect to be accepted for what I can do.

[Ltl89]

Hey Gene,

I wish you lots of luck with coming out. 

I don't have much experience with this, but I would say you should speak with your supervisor about the issue and tell him/her how you wish to be addressed.  The state of Colorado has laws against discrimination on the basis of gender identity or expression.  I think you have a lot more leverage than most because of this fact. 

[Misato]

I gently correct people at work when they misgender me, mindful I have to work with them and don't want to be blamed as the problem employee.  I'm usually pretty gentle outside the office too, unless the offense is particularly egregious.

And when someone wrote my legal name under my preferred name on my locker label, it felt like someone had scrawled some venomous pejorative in an act of mindless vandalism. At times, I even feel guilty about hiding this from them.

Hard to think of a scenario where the scrawling would be acceptable / not reportable to someone.  Given seeing the name makes you feel bad, understandably so I'd add, I think it's perfectly reasonable that you keep it on the down low.  Ain't hurting anything doing so and it helps keep you feeling good.

Regarding my work experience, I do blab about my trans status.  I do that and yet, well case in point, there was a guy in the new job who clocked me as soon as I walked into orientation.  The other day he said he doesn't see what caused him to clock me anymore, he just sees the woman I am after interacting with me for a while.  That kind of experience of being clocked but ultimately gendered by others as female happens to me quite often.  Yet the important point I want to tell from this story is, being open about my journey makes me happy and comfortable.  If it didn't, I wouldn't do it.  Just like, I don't tell anyone I don't have to my legal name cause that makes me unhappy too.  So use the Force and trust your feelings on what you need to do to make ya happy Gene.  They're your only hope.

I've had far more positive experiences than bad and the surprises I've been given have been some of the best parts of transition.

Of course, I've also considered just not saying anything and waiting for them to notice the changes I undergo on T. When they question, I'll just respond, "What're you talking about? I've always sounded like this."

I did like this.

Good luck man.

[JamesG]

Most people don't want to deal with or even think about anything but binary sexes and gender.  Today that also includes gays.  Transgender presents a confusing gray area that can be socially awkward and confusing.  Things would be simpler for them if you were "just the butch dyke" to their minds.  That you want to be identified as male confuses them, because they don't understand.  So even if managers and coworkers don't have religious/cultural problems with a trans-person, its a distraction from business and a briar patch of potential social and legal problems.  Not good for a career perspective (if you care) even if they can't outright fire you for it.

I second just "coming out",  be honest with the people you interact with. They'll accept it or not, but they have to work with you,  even the management (unless they want to hand the keys to the business to you).   If you don't want to deal with that, then maybe look into transferring to a different store, another business, ornew job where you can start from day one as who you want.

[Constance]

Not long before I came out to my boss, he, I, and another coworker were just having a morning convo when the restaurant/bar AsiaSF was mentioned. It's staffed by "gender illusionists" and my boss had been there for a party.

Of AsiaSF he'd said, "I hope I never see anything like that again."

Later that day, after doublechecking the HR policy on harassment, I sent him an email coming out. In my email I also mentioned that I wouldn't be going to HR as it was unknown that I was trans and I realized that his words weren't meant to be hostile. We met later that day and discussed the convo, and he apologized sincerely.

That's just my situation, your mileage may vary. But it's possible that the reactions could be positive and supportive.

Overall, transitioning on the job has been a hugely positive thing for me. Sure, there are a handful of coworkers who won't speak with or look at me anymore. But they are a tiny minority. The support has been amazing, and some who'd been merely coworkers before I started my transition have since become friends.