I can't take this life anymore... (various warnings apply)

[Ltl89]

Jessica,

I know things may look dark at this moment, but things DO get better.  I have talked to so many people in life that were depressed and suicidal and almost unanimously there responses are that they are glad they decided life.  I understand the loneliness and desire to have a man in your life.  However, there is nothing stopping you from finding that special somebody.  Have faith in yourself and things will get better. 

If your loneliness gets the best of you and you're in need of a friend, please don't hesitate to contact me.  I'm more than happy to have a new friend Also, you have a whole forum here of people that are here for you.

But please, don't hurt yourself! It is the worst thing you can do.  There is so much to live for even if you don't have it all at this very moment. 

[Some User Name]

Jessica,

As others have pointed out, there's more to being a woman than giving birth. There are reasons to enjoy and be proud to be a woman besides giving birth. Yes, it's a wondrous thing that we as transwomen don't get to experience. But as others have also pointed out, adoption can be an option. It's not impossible, and it doesn't make you something less than a mother if you haven't carried the child inside you. I'm sure you can find a lot of adoptive mothers on the internet talking about how important the experience is for them.

And not every woman is in a relationship, or in a good relationship. And being trans doesn't mean that you can't find a good relationship someday, or find a husband.

Whatever darkness you're in right now will pass. Darkness always passes. And if it's taking too long to do so, find a good therapist so that you can talk about these issues. Talk to your friends, including the women here.

Don't hurt yourself. Suicide closes down possibilities. It is the end of possibilities. When you're down in the darkness, you can't see that there are possibilities and paths, that they are there ahead of you. They may take a while to get to, they may take a lot of work to get to, but they are there. And you will not be able to experience them if you kill yourself.

Please listen to the other women here, and please take care of yourself.

[GorJess]

I'm useless, couldn't even smother myself right about 15 minutes ago. Please...why can't I do anything right? Grades, this, you name it. I mean, I want to go to class, so I can complete assignments, in like 90 minutes, but on the other hand, I don't, if you know what I mean? I feel really ugly; I've got my eyes, which, I see are nice, but beyond that? Heck if I know. I'm not sure what to do. I'm more depressed because I failed at something else now, what a shock.

Whatever happened to childhood, innocent me that always did well, liked a challenge, and was...happy? Really, I was happy growing up (until around 13), despite wrong body, I got toys I wanted, so I had Easy Bake and such then, dolls, etc. Family probably saved me there, and I don't if that's true or not, but, I think they did. Even now, they wouldn't want me, better to not exist, after all, I am a mooch.


PS: I'm noticing these happen a lot on Mondays (or at least around Mondays). I don't cycle HRT, either, wonder why that is?

[Sammy]

Jessica, have You talked about this with Your therapist? The reason I am asking is because I dont know how young You are and being TG often comes in comorbidity with other syndroms. Maybe You have a bit of bipolar disorder, hence the mood swings? For example, when I was child/teen I had hyperactive-impulsive variant (ADHD-HI) of attention deficit disorder. In fact, many of those diagnosed with the GD have other "kinks" in their heads, which on their own can pretty much complicate our lives.

[xterra]

Please DO NOT GIVE UP. Many of us went through something like this, and I am telling you from my own experience. You will find a way to accept your body and live with it. Even with all this imperfections and maybe in the future opportunity will present itself that will allow you to correct them. But once you throw your life away, it's over. There will be no second chances. Future is really unpredictable. You need to focus your attention on something else. Force it if you have to. Get yourself so tired, that you will have no energy to think about anything else, but do not give in to those thoughts. 

[MaidofOrleans]

I'm useless, couldn't even smother myself right about 15 minutes ago. Please...why can't I do anything right? Grades, this, you name it. I mean, I want to go to class, so I can complete assignments, in like 90 minutes, but on the other hand, I don't, if you know what I mean? I feel really ugly; I've got my eyes, which, I see are nice, but beyond that? Heck if I know. I'm not sure what to do. I'm more depressed because I failed at something else now, what a shock.

Whatever happened to childhood, innocent me that always did well, liked a challenge, and was...happy? Really, I was happy growing up (until around 13), despite wrong body, I got toys I wanted, so I had Easy Bake and such then, dolls, etc. Family probably saved me there, and I don't if that's true or not, but, I think they did. Even now, they wouldn't want me, better to not exist, after all, I am a mooch.


PS: I'm noticing these happen a lot on Mondays (or at least around Mondays). I don't cycle HRT, either, wonder why that is?

Well first of all, nobody is useless. That's just silly talk.

I do suggest discussing these feelings with a therapist and finding the core of what it is that is making you feel this way. These negative thoughts are all in your head I can guarantee it. Only you however have the power to stop them.

That happy, well doing, challenge seeking you is still in there. You just need to save her.