Did a mind experiment about myself

[Larisa]

So I decided to think like envision in my head if I was uncomfortable with things. I thought about kissing a boy, I was completely weirded out and uncomfortable by that thought. I thought about being a girl in public, I thought how cute and all. I thought could I live as a girl 100% and should I have been born a girl instead of boy. I still can't answer that after all the writing Ive done over this. Bigender or transgender. Still no answer. Im seriously moving closer to a therapist soon. Although other questions Ive asked myself are being answered. Writing in a journal can be very helpful in getting to some answers.

One question answered forsure, I know a girl is in me. After journaling about this, I figured out the roots of my girl self has been there since I was of 4 or 5. Ive connected things that have given me insight into this all. I can't grow a beard like other guys, it doesnt grow a ton and doesnt grow at all in a few places but is still annoying that I can even start one and that it can grow out. Does this mean Im low on testosterone and if that's the case, is this why Ive always been thinking and feeling  partly like a girl? These are questions Im trying to figure out. Even if it seems like a silly question, if it helps me it needs to be asked.

[Ltl89]

Hey Larisa,

I wouldn't worry about feeling awkward about kissing boys.  If you are a woman, you could identify as a lesbian.  There are many on this board that are, so don't worry about that.  Though, I do have to say you are crazy if you think kissing boys isn't fun

I am not sure about the testosterone levels and it's impact on your beard.  I know many men that aren't able to grow a full beard, so I doubt it is always a matter of testosterone levels and not some other variable at work.  Having said that, I don't believe testosterone levels would have much to do with your GID.  There are plenty of ladies here who have (or once had) high t levels and identified as woman.  The reverse can be said of many transmen.  I think it is more complicated than that, but I am not a hormone specialist and acknowledge that I don't have a definitive answer.

I'm glad you are considering therapy.  It will likely be a great step for you

[justchillin]

It's funny because my story so far is basically the same, although, depending on the mood I'm in boys are either icky or dreamy. How far did you test your boundaries in terms of doing more girly stuff are you uncomfortable with some things or are you just all out girl/woman.

[Larisa]

Oh Im def not gay and that's why I did the little mind experiment and even though I knew so, I am def not gay. I knew I wasnt but wanted to test that and know Im very very uncomfortable and weirded out with the slight thought of kissing boys. I can say nothing girly I do really weirds me out at all. Nothing girly I do makes me uncomfortable. You could have me wear a miniskirt infact Ive worn a cheerleader outfit a few times and loved it. Been told by others I have a girly laugh, little girly hair curls, act like a girl sometimes and that I have girls arms. All compliments to me. Nothing girly Ive ever done has made me uncomfortable. If anything having this girl side of me has been something that Im lucky to have. It's been a blessing and helped me out for example like exercise, eating better and basically just taking care of my body lots more. Some tease me in a good way about my girly things but even if I didnt want anyone knowing I have a girl side at all anymore, fact is I could hide it some but it wouldnt go away completely as it's a part of me hardwired in me. It's like trying to take out both lungs out of the body and expecting me to work, it wouldnt work. I hope that makes sense.

[justchillin]

Yes it make perfect sense, To be so in-tuned with you femininity is a gift, So I guess you should take it as far as you need to feel comfortable . For example I know I'm bisexual but I didn't know whether  I was a cross dresser or a transsexual, So I decided to take it as far as I needed to feel happy. So I decided to just try and be content with cross dressing in my room but, that wasn't enough. I didn't like turning back after the makeup came off so I decided I'm a woman in a mans body not a man in a dress. Keep experimenting you never know.

[spacial]

I thought about kissing a boy, I was completely weirded out and uncomfortable by that thought.

I would be too.

But kissing someone I really liked? I could do that easily.

Just saying that's all.