Help Me, I think I am transsexual

[delyth ann]

It has really taken some time for me to build up the courage to post on this forum. But I know I need to address my gender issues some how.
I am 32 and I feel I am female inside, and I am struggling with these feelings. I have had them for a long time. I try to act the man, and I think I've become quite good at it. However its starting wear me down.
I go to sleep at night and wish I could wake up with a female body.
I've done two online tests and both have come up with the result of "Probable Transsexual".
I am scared but need advice. I've never let these feelings out until now. I'd appreciate any help and advice and I can get. I am feeling alone.

[Sarah Louise]

First off, Welcome to Susan's.  Please take the time to read the Rules in the Announcement section.

Second, if you are having these feelings its probably time to visit a therapist.  They can help you work through it and decide your next step.

[MaidofOrleans]

Welcome delyth ann!

You've taken your first step in being courageous enough to ask for help.

I'm going to have to second Sarah's advice and tell you to find a therapist in your area specializing in treatment of gender issues.

Don't be afraid to ask questions 

[suzifrommd]

I am scared but need advice. I've never let these feelings out until now. I'd appreciate any help and advice and I can get. I am feeling alone.

First, you're not alone. There are thousands of us here at Susan's Place (literally).

Second, it helped me early on to find a local transgender support group. I also contacted some of the local LGBT organizations and asked if they knew any Trans women in my area.

I support Sarah Louise's therapy suggestion, but be careful. There are a lot of incompetent therapists out there who would be thrilled to take your money. If you find other transgender people in your area, find out who their therapists are.

[delyth ann]

Thanks girls for your advice.
I am going to speak to some one about my feelings. I am scared as to what the future holds but I know I have to sort something out. I have recently been referred to a psychologist by my gp due to some anxiety and stress issues I've been having (though I haven't mentioned my gender identity issues to him, they probably do have a part to play).
Can I ask what transition is like? I know its an open question.

[Padma]

It's different for each person - though probably the common ingredient, if there is one, if it's right for you: incredible relief.

[A]

Uhm, there's a chance (not that it's certain or anything) that a psychologist referred for anxiety issues will not be able to help very well with gender identity issues. So you might have to change. Maybe.

Now, what is transition like? You mean, factually? It depends on the country, the professionals and the person, but for me, it was:

-Tell my psychologist. Talk about it on and off for a while.
-Get impatient and ask when something is happening. Be shocked to that she can't do anything about that and has been sort of avoiding that subject in which she's not trained for a while.
-Tell my GP as adviced.
-Work the courage to tell my mother, as asked.
-Tell the GP again. Be referred to a psychiatrist.
-Get convinced by my mother and that psychiatrist that there are more urgent issues to deal with.
-Do a group therapy that was mostly useless.
-Despair and write a panicky, angry letter to the psychiatrist for the post-therapy meeting. Get referred to the psychiatrist in
-Wait for a few months.
-See the new psychiatrist. Be quasi-threatened about trying to hurry or push him, or self medication.
-See him every 2-3 months for a year, not really doing much related to transsexualism, rather talking more about ADD, me being too scared of his threat to mention it.
-Get impatient after a year. Instantly get an endo referral. Be surprised and angry at the lost time that damaged my voice a little and made an Adam's apple appear.
-See the endo after just a month. Be prescribed a low dose of HRT.
-Make the huge mistake of asking for transdermal HRT with a doctor who wasn't very good with them. Be given a dose lowering without knowing it instead of the scheduled increase.
-Do blood tests on the arms with Estrogel put on the same arms just a few hours before. Get crazy high and diverging results that the endo believes. Get stuck on a crazy low dose of hormones.
-Do some fighting with the incompetent endocrinologist over doses and medications and blood levels.
-Get sick of it after 1 year of almost useless hormones, bringing the total wait to 4 years since I first told the psychologist, and no sign of betterment in the endo,
-Call a local gynecologist and explain the issues. Get a referral from the psychiatrist. Wait for an appointment, hopeful that they'll do better.

This has been my frustrating path so far. But rest assured, I don't think you have the infinite bad luck that I've been having. And despite all the crap, I've been feeling better.

[FrancisAnn]

It seems for some they wake up one day & have these strong feelings & for some they have always been female since very early childhood.

You might think thru your life & see when these feelings really started. This may help answer your question.

Good luck.

[Joanna Dark]

OP, do you want to take hormones? How would you feel about, say, becoming irreversibly female forever? This is the question you have to ask yourself. For myself, the thought of being perceived by others and myself as female, brought much relief. The actual process of doing it, has brought me happiness. For the first time in my life, I feel happy. Of course, there is the flip side of that coin. If you're not trans, I am pretty sure there is prob nothing worse then watching yourself become more and more womanly and less of a man or woman (in the case of FTMs) everyday. I really don't know how to tell if someone is truly trans, but when I was laying in bed this morning, I thought that the easiest litmus test would be how someone would react to being put on hormones and whether or not that would make you happy. I think most of the active members here will tell when they started hormones they felt a sense of relief and even eurphoria. Someone asked me that the other day and I didn't think I felt that hormones really changed the way  I feel but now I realize how fantastically happy HRT is helping me become. Hope this helps you!

[Ltl89]

No one but you can really answer your identity. This forum is a great way to learn, get support, and gain confidence, but we can't define who you are.  What's in your heart?  Do you see yourself as a girl?  Or at least, would you like to live as a women for the rest of your life and never live as a man again?  If that thought brings you comfort, I think you should really move forward and consider your options with a trained gender therapist.

By the way, congratulations on coming out here   It may seem silly to some, but I know how hard it can be to post about these things on a public forum.  I lurked for a while before I felt comfortable opening up about my identity to others, so I know what a big step just posting can be.

[delyth ann]

I worry about how people around me will react to my transition. I scared of rejection if I come out to my loved ones and friends. I come from quiet a conservative background.
Having said that I've tried to play the male part so much. I've tried to be one of the boys and play sport, drink, do all the masculine things - be a man. It doesn't feel right.
I've felt there was something not quiet right since I was kid. I was a bit of wimp and felt more comfortable around girls as I didn't have to put on a big masculine act, unlike when I was around boys. These issues are starting to affect my health.
I am worried that if I carry on going as I am, its going to ultimately break me.
In regards to being feminised, I've tried to avoid exercise which would make my body any more masculine than it already is.

[Jamie D]

It has really taken some time for me to build up the courage to post on this forum. But I know I need to address my gender issues some how.
I am 32 and I feel I am female inside, and I am struggling with these feelings. I have had them for a long time. I try to act the man, and I think I've become quite good at it. However its starting wear me down.
I go to sleep at night and wish I could wake up with a female body.
I've done two online tests and both have come up with the result of "Probable Transsexual".
I am scared but need advice. I've never let these feelings out until now. I'd appreciate any help and advice and I can get. I am feeling alone.

I would not put much stock in online tests, as they don't always reflect perceptions properly.

The best thing you can do is seek out a therapist who is versed in transgender and transsexual issues.

And you are not alone.  Many of us have dealt with those sorts of issues for years, not knowing, or not understanding what they meant.

Talking with other here is also going to be helpful, but we can not provide the level of expertise and individual attention a therapist could.

I also want you to browse the Transitioning Forum, and its sub-forums.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,339.0.html

[Sammy]

I worry about how people around me will react to my transition. I scared of rejection if I come out to my loved ones and friends. I come from quiet a conservative background.

You probably will get rejected. Maybe... And maybe not. Unfortunately, there is only one way to find this out. If You have girlfriend/wife, You might loose them. In fact, You should be expecting to loose them, since those being able to understand while choosing to stay close with us, are very rare and should be treated as the most precious creatures... In my case, I got the understanding, but everything else is slowly but inevitably pulling us apart.

Having said that I've tried to play the male part so much. I've tried to be one of the boys and play sport, drink, do all the masculine things - be a man. It doesn't feel right.

I am sure, You were good at them. As a matter of fact, we are quite good pretenders and actresses - we learn to play this role-playing game since childhood and eventually get extremely good at it. To the extent that sometimes we get scared to acknowledge our true identity to ourselves, or get lost somewhere in the process.

I am worried that if I carry on going as I am, its going to ultimately break me. 

Trust me, it will break You. No matter how strong You are or how You pretend to be masculine and free of emotions, this is going to break You down completely, because now You resisting Yourself. Your mind, ego or whatever we call it - walls which You have constructed to shield the girl inside of You from cruel world, but in the end she just got forgotten and imprisoned inside - those walls are now putting up their last struggle. You can push those feelings back and probably succeed and gain Yourself another five years or a decade. Then this boomerang will come back to You. You might get lucky and evade it again, but it is never going to stop coming back at You until You either submit and transition or die - naturally or by suicide.

I am 35 now and I knew since 4 or 5 that something was wrong. I learned the term "transsexualism" when I was in my teens but that article only covered the physical aspects - SRS and such, I decided that it would probably not solve my issues. I had no idea about mental aspects and gender dyshporia as such until the boomerang hit me again and I felt like I was back in my childhood and adolescent/late teen years - same feelings, anxiety, distress... Except, now I had the tools and knowledge what to search for. When I realised that I basically have only two options - to do or not to do - I panicked and broke down emotionally. Having spent a lot of time crying - probably cried out all those tears which were kept inside while I pretended to be male - I looked into the mirror straight into my eyes and for the first time of my life I realised that those were girl's eyes. They were smiling back at me, and despite the face still was still that of some stranger, as always cold and detached, the features somehow appeared to softening up. She -  Me - smiled and encouraged, and it was some sort of salvation. I was forgiven for imprisoning myself for all those years - I only had to accept who I truly was. I smiled back at my expression and it was settled for me... This resulted in other rain of tears, this time - tears of happiness. And from that moment, the male part was gone - and I acknowledged my self as a female.
Of course, we cannot erase those years we had, the experience and skills we learned as males. Heck, maybe we can still find something useful in that knowledge too? At least, we pretty much know the males, which is a huge benefit for our survival. And if there are some male things we still like to do, hobbies etc - we are not obliged to put them down completely - this is 21st century anyway. But expect to loose interest in some male activities. I very much enjoyed the feeling when You send a horse under You in gallop and the wind blows Your hair... I might pretty much do this again . But I probably wont do this while wearing a full suit of 15th century plate armor (I though that since I could never be a princess,  I might still try to play the part of the knight in the shining armor...). There are all sorts of things, people do to try to convince  themselves that they are males...

And... to make things even brighter Acknowledging Yourself and letting out Your femininity is the first step, it will be quite hard, if not impossible to come back to Your previous life. But it is by far the easiest step... Coming out to relatives will be much more harder and then the transition will involve all sorts of struggles and bring out Your internal insecurities, mood swings etc. You will surprised to find out how many internal fears You might have. But that is why You have the therapist and us in this forum
Safe path!

[Ashley Allison]

Hi Delyth Ann!

You really struck a chord with me... As your situation sounds very similar to mine in a lot of ways.  I was referred to a psychologist from my GP due to Anxiety/ Depression issues.  I would highly, highly recommend this.  When you go to the psychologist, lay everything out them for him/ her.  Tell them the complete truth about the Gender Dysphoria.  Otherwise, and I am saying don't do this, there is a tendency for the conversation to steer to others factors that cause anxiety/ depression.  And I am not saying those issues don't matter, but sometimes you can get wrapped in them so much that you won't talk about the dysphoria.  At least for me, I have recognized how big of an issue it is, it is my core being after all... It really is best to tell the Psychologist about the dysphoria, sometimes it can really unhash everything out!

I too have been able to play the male role very well (though I am sure there are peakings of your inner self from beneath).  Ask yourself, am I happy playing this actor? Am I content living a life that is not what reflected inside? Hopefully a counselor, and us over here at Susans, can help you figure this out... Transition or no transition, we are going to be here for you sister

[suzifrommd]

Can I ask what transition is like? I know its an open question.

Ups and downs.

First the downs:

Making an effort to pass involves hair removal from face and body, all kinds of beauty adjustments, learning about fashion, makeup, etc. Unless you're one of the few lucky ones you'll get stares and you'll never fit in with mainstream folk again. Some people will reject you because they don't understand, others because they don't know how to deal with the new you.

Now some ups:

When you first realize that you can actually be yourself, the opportunities are limitless. You get to be the you you always wanted to be but never thought possible. Most people are accepting and supportive and those who are not, don't matter in the grand scheme.

And I feel suddenly like my life "means something" in a way it never did when I was pretending.

[barbie]

It has really taken some time for me to build up the courage to post on this forum. But I know I need to address my gender issues some how.
I am 32 and I feel I am female inside, and I am struggling with these feelings. I have had them for a long time. I try to act the man, and I think I've become quite good at it. However its starting wear me down.
I go to sleep at night and wish I could wake up with a female body.
I've done two online tests and both have come up with the result of "Probable Transsexual".
I am scared but need advice. I've never let these feelings out until now. I'd appreciate any help and advice and I can get. I am feeling alone.

Don't worry too much. Ignorance breeds fear; Fear breeds hate; Hate breeds violence. Time will eventually solve all of the problems.

I also thought I might be transsexual, but I do not transition because I have lovely kids and wife. I just enjoy occasional outing with some feminine fashion items. If you are not yet married, you may have more options to choose. If married, then it can be complicated and sometimes very emotional.

Of course, it can cause misunderstandings of your parents or siblings, but slow and gradual changes are always good. You will eventually learn how to negotiate your desire with the social, economic and political limits you are allowed to reach.

A chance of experiencing the two worlds of both men and women is a blessing.

barbie~~

[Bex80]

I worry about how people around me will react to my transition. I scared of rejection if I come out to my loved ones and friends. I come from quiet a conservative background.
Having said that I've tried to play the male part so much. I've tried to be one of the boys and play sport, drink, do all the masculine things - be a man. It doesn't feel right.
I've felt there was something not quiet right since I was kid. I was a bit of wimp and felt more comfortable around girls as I didn't have to put on a big masculine act, unlike when I was around boys. These issues are starting to affect my health.
I am worried that if I carry on going as I am, its going to ultimately break me.
In regards to being feminised, I've tried to avoid exercise which would make my body any more masculine than it already is.

Remember you do not have to justify yourself to anyone and you do not have to fit into anyone's idea of who you should be. We are all different and not one of us chose to be in this position but we play the hand that we were dealt with. There is no-one who has not had personal battles to face in life but you will find peace in being yourself, even if that is simply discovering who you really are and not telling anyone else. With that knowledge comes a new awareness and you will hopefully start to see the wood for the trees relieving the anxiety.

Tell a therapist ALL about your feelings so they can provide the support and guidance you need.

Love and best wishes on your journey.  Becky. 

[A]

Just one thing. There ARE awful things, but from what I've seen and read, in most cases where a person was worried about their parents' reaction, it was either surprisingly good or much less bad than anticipated. It's no guarantee, but just know a lot of people have worried like you, and a lot of them were wrong.

[delyth ann]

Thank you girls for all you kind and wonderful supportive advice. Its means a great deal to me.
I still have wide range of questions I need to ask myself and look for answers.
I am well aware of the physical aspects of transition, such as the hormones and surgery. However there are aspects I need to work out such as how this will affect my relationship with my spouse, fashion sense, body hair removal just to name a few issues.
I have decided I am going to start growing my hair long from now on and try not to bite my finger nails and start manicuring my toe nails. I guess that's a good starting point.. I guess you can say I million things I need to work out.
I am trying to get an appointment with a psych for the weekend. I think once I start speaking to a psych I can explore all my issues a bit further and get a clearer picture of where I am going.
The future does scare me a bit.

[Ltl89]

Good luck on your appointment!  Just be open and honest about everything with your doctor.  Share you desires, hopes, concerns and fears.  This is a good starting point for you to examine what you want and the consequences that following through may present.  For now, just focus on discovering what it is you want.  Worry later about things that you may or may not need to deal with in the future.  Planning is fun, but you don't want to overburden yourself until you know what you want and how wish to pursue it.