Fluctuating near breakdowns

[chevrolet_gt]

It's been awhile since I last posted on here. My feelings and desires of wanting to be a woman fluctuate over time. Sometimes I get into a slump of depression and anxiety attacks and severe self hatred when my desires and feelings peak. My wife is fighting less with me about it and is willing to at least listen but that doesn't mean she is with me in it.

For awhile now I still have doubts if I really want to be a woman. To be a transgendered woman or even a cisgendered woman requires a lot of daily maintenance, and I'm lazy. But then again I'm not sure if that laziness is a side effect of me not liking myself. But the urge to go shopping for feminine clothing and having the body that that clothing fits never goes away, it only lessens from time to time.

I feel bad when I start to peak because I don't want anything to do with anybody and that can include my wife and kids. I'm naturally an introvert so I do prefer to be by myself allot of the time but I want to socialize even less when I'm peaking and it's causing me to push my family away from me and I don't want that. I wish I had the freedom and money to experiment with my femininity, so far all I can afford to do is shave body hair, wear women's underwear, and polish my nails. Anything else might cause too much of an issue at the moment plus I don't have the money to go out and buy whatever I want, especially since my wife is making all the money now.

I may have already asked this, but have any of you experienced or know anyone who has experienced the fluctuation with feelings of being a woman/or man?
And, can low testosterone levels cause symptoms of gender dysphoria or GID along with the depression and anxiety?

[Joanna Dark]

Well for me the feeling of wanting to go shopping diminishes when I don't have money and as soon as I have a couple bucks, it comes back and tells me I need to go buy that top lol seriously, I don't think low T causes GID or else we would all take T and it would go away. Some doctors think more T is the answer. But IMO it is not.

You are in a hard situation so I don't really have much good advice for you since I have never been married and have no kids. Do you think you want to transition? If so, and the feelings are that intense, I doubt they are going away.

[Ltl89]

I agree with Joanna in that I doubt think that your t levels have anything to do with GID.  It may have something to do with anxiety or depression, but I doubt it would cause GID.  For example, look at the transmen who have low t levels.  They clearly still identify as male.  However, I think you may be better asking this question to a therapist or someone trained with treating GID.

I do agree that being a woman can require a lot of maintenance.  But, despite the hassle and my general laziness, I am still a woman at heart.  Yeah, I don't like having to always deal with getting rid of hair, but I do like getting rid of it. 

I wish I could be more help, but I wish you the best of luck. Please try to speak with someone about this if you haven't done so yet.  It can make a huge difference.

[chevrolet_gt]

Thanks for the replies. I agree mostly that low T levels don't cause GID issues but my wife and some of my family think it might be factor so I think I'm going to rule it out. If anything it might be a cause of depression and anxiety but I'm still thinking that those are symptoms of me fighting my feelings and desires and being stuck between possible transitioning and divorce. Whenever I speak to a psychologist/counselor it pushes me more towards at least experimenting with becoming a woman which in the past has caused more trouble with my marriage, at least until I'm not peaking anymore. It's hard to schedule appointments and have the gas money to go to these things with college and my kids school schedule especially since my wife has started working full time.

Do I want to transition? No, I want to wake up tomorrow as a woman but that's not going to happen so I need to do something that can tell me what the right decision is for me. I have over 15  years of a relationship on the line and I don't handle rejection to well so you can see the dilemma.

True, I don't think these feelings are going to go away either. I'm just tired of the rollercoaster.

Once I get my T levels tested and I get the results I think I might go to this place in Columbus that deals specifically with GID and LBGT people, they even have programs for spouses and family members of those who have GID and/or are transitioning. I just hope our insurance covers it because I can't afford it any other way.

I have read a few articles on using HRT to determine if a person really would benefit from transition or at least the hormones. If I start to feel better after being on HRT for a month then it can help me make the decision, if not then it's something else and I can stop HRT without permanent changes to my body. Have any of you heard anything about that? A part of me really wants to try that but I want to take all steps possible to rule out other possibilities if any exist. That will help things with my wife, hopefully. She's not as negative about the issue as she used to be so I have some hope our relationship might last.

[Ltl89]

I can't speak with authority on this subject, but I've heard people say that starting hrt solidified things for them.   Hrt can have an impact on peoples mental perception, but it is not always the case.  Some people may say that starting it and having positive emotions made them realize it was right.  Others may be experiencing some placebo like euphoria because they are so glad to be starting the process.  And other women have said that it didn't change anything mentally for them.  Therefore, I don't think there is any guarantee that you will discover if it is right for you just by starting. 

Personally, I would very cautious about starting hrt if you aren't sure you want to transition or at least make any permanent physical changes.  Even if you take it for the short term, I think it is best to know whether you would want to feminize yourself in at least some form. From your post, it seems like you would but don't want to transition fully (at least yet because of family).  If that is the case, there are people who go on a low dose hrt plan and have positive effects without fully transitioning.  But even then there are some effects that could have an impact on your marriage (especially sexual side effects).  So, I would really think deeply about what you want and understand the consequences that your actions may have. 

[Barbara Ella]

I am no expert, and can speak onlly from what I have read, and conversations with others.  Look up Ann Vitale.  She has some publications on  low dose HRT, especially to reduce T.  There are studies where lowered T has decreased the desires and anxieties, especially the peaks to valleys, without pushing transitioning.  I know of girls who have felt this, during the first 6 months of low dose treatment for where their Dr. started them only on the antiandrogens.  They stayed there.

Hope all goes well.

Barbara