My stupid shorts are in storage because...I don't know why. This is stupid. I only have two pairs of unisex shorts up here in my closet, other than that there's female shorts my mother forced me to keep because she was on the verge of yet another fit. Which is unfair, she's not the one wearing this clothing.
So I'm stuck with pants and occasionally shorts. My legs are stupidly muscular, so they look like girl thighs because the guys at my school have toothpick legs. The only ones who don't are either incredibly ripped or obese, and surprisingly enough I can't seem to pull of the latter even though I look quite fat to myself. Curvy hips from estrogen-induced widening of the pelvic bones? Nope, just fat. The bones themselves are tiny, if I could lose all this body fat they'd pretty much go straight down. But no, I couldn't possibly lose weight. That'd be too hard. My BMI is supposedly healthy but I hate being squishy. It's annoyingly hard to build muscle, especially with my joints being the way they are, besides I never have the energy or motivation or access to free weights or even a pull-up bar to put in a doorway. Closest thing I have is my bed canopy and if I keep using that I'll probably break it because I'm too heavy.
So I'm fat and I don't have proper lower half attire. Also, shirts. Baggy? I look butch. Less baggy? Ends up being drawn in around the hips and lower legs so I look clearly feminine, like I'm trying to look butch but I'm too girly to pull it off. Dysphoria has me tearing through my closet for clothes, because $1.45 isn't going to buy anything and I don't have an allowance or even time for a job at this point, though that'd be another nightmare because I'd probably be forced to present boyish female there too.
What's really hilarious is what happens if I try wearing feminine clothes. I pulled an old girly cardigan sweater thing whatever out of the closet and put it on out of self-torture, the intent was to make myself see that I look female and use that to spiral into the "it's hopeless" routine. But no, I put that on and looked like a crossdresser. Which would have been fine and even made me feel better if I didn't look both ugly and fat in the process. I look horrible and I can't find any clothes in the house to hide that, plus everything seems to accentuate the curves formed by my stupid fat hips and posterior whether it's for boys or girls and regardless of size. Rear end appears to be muscle too as far as I can tell, unless it's just not as squishy fat. I can't pass as male or female, why do these things happen.
