So sad...

[GorJess]

First and foremost, I'm at NO risk; zero percent, zilch, nada, none, for self harm or anything of that sort. After all, I do any of those things, no vagina, right? That said, however, I feel awfully down about my body. I feel extremely ugly, that one area is causing me SO much pain, unspeakably so. I've felt my body really crying inside a lot lately, to the point where there are small stretches of time where I have issues breathing because I am so down. I need SRS, like really soon, and the likely best case scenario is 2015. That seems too distant, I really feel alone, too, I need a boyfriend, to be okay with myself down there. I feel I might cry soon.

Please, help, I don't know what to do until SRS, my body is destroying me...from there to elsewhere. Some guy thought I was a guy despite my breasts, outfit, you name it; rare time, but it's stuck with me the past 72 hours.

Why wasn't I a natal girl, or at least one with a vagina right now, or one in an area where SRS is more cost, or lack thereof, is more accessible? I hate this life so much, I hate this stupid body. I don't know what to do, I really, really need SRS, my mind and body both need it.

Please... Don't tell me therapists, antidepressants. I know what I need. I just feel helpless to get it. Why me? I need advice, something, I don't know. This is making me so sad...my body needs to be let free.

From ugly face, which can be fixed with more time, to the more pressing matter if down there, I don't know what to do.

[Jamie D]

Your face isn't ugly, Jessica.  And I have always admired your eyes.  They sparkle when you smile.

All I can say is, it takes time.  And yeah, there are going to be some backward steps.  A few months ago me and a transwoman friend of mine went out for dinner to a place she suggested and had been to for years (pre-transition).  It was nice, but the waitress there kept misgendering her ... boobs, long hair, female voice and all.

You know what?  I cried at the table.  She didn't.  She took it in stride.  My feeling was, how could someone who so obviously passes get misgendered?  And if that happened to a really pretty girl, what chance would I ever have?

My friend said, it happens from time to time, but as I move forward, it happens less.  That's progress.  You have made great progress already, and I know you will make more.  Be patient.

When I last emailed her, I asked how she has been doing.  Her answer was, "I'm having a blast."      

[kelly_aus]

First and foremost, I'm at NO risk; zero percent, zilch, nada, none, for self harm or anything of that sort. After all, I do any of those things, no vagina, right? That said, however, I feel awfully down about my body. I feel extremely ugly, that one area is causing me SO much pain, unspeakably so. I've felt my body really crying inside a lot lately, to the point where there are small stretches of time where I have issues breathing because I am so down. I need SRS, like really soon, and the likely best case scenario is 2015. That seems too distant, I really feel alone, too, I need a boyfriend, to be okay with myself down there. I feel I might cry soon.

Please, help, I don't know what to do until SRS, my body is destroying me...from there to elsewhere. Some guy thought I was a guy despite my breasts, outfit, you name it; rare time, but it's stuck with me the past 72 hours.

Why wasn't I a natal girl, or at least one with a vagina right now, or one in an area where SRS is more cost, or lack thereof, is more accessible? I hate this life so much, I hate this stupid body. I don't know what to do, I really, really need SRS, my mind and body both need it.

Please... Don't tell me therapists, antidepressants. I know what I need. I just feel helpless to get it. Why me? I need advice, something, I don't know. This is making me so sad...my body needs to be let free.

From ugly face, which can be fixed with more time, to the more pressing matter if down there, I don't know what to do.

I'm the Rebel, I ask blunt questions..

What are you going to do if you have SRS and it doesn't solve your issues?

[Beth Andrea]

Wow...is that you in the avatar? You're quite attractive.

Try not to pay attention to people who act like you're male...you're not. Accepting yourself is probably the first BIG battle we have to overcome...we all have that little voice(s) inside us, saying we're not good enough, we never will be, why even try...? but we need to learn to tell that inner critic to STFU.

Seriously! When you're looking at yourself in the mirror and hating what you see...try a thought experiment:

The reflection isn't you, it's a friend of yours, standing in the doorway to the next room. Would you tell your friend--your best friend--that she was ugly, and horrible, and yadda yadda? Of course not! Your friend deserves better! Maybe she has some little thing to fix, eyebrows need plucking, etc...but nothing that can't be done in just a minute or so.

You'd try to give your friend confidence and pride in how she looks. How she holds herself, tall and proud. (As tall as she can be, of course!) How she walks. The cute way she scrinches her nose when smiling. She's beautiful, and you're proud to have her as a friend!

This kind of thinking takes a little bit to succeed, so don't do it just once and give up on it...it took a lifetime to get that little voice(s), and it'll take a little time to change it's script.

You are beautiful. *hugs*

[GorJess]

Fair enough if a question honestly: I know SRS won't treat everything in my life itself, no, since there is some other things it sadly won't change in my life (personal matters, thanks!). But it will cure that part of my pain of that part of life, I am sure. From all the culmination of failed attempts as a child, this one will succeed, in fact, be better; rather than remove, improved, and get what I want there! Not to say that this vagina will be flawless, either, just because human parts are imperfect, in addition to necessary maintenance.


Aww, thanks, Jamie! I wish I looked as nice as I did in that photo. Your story, and compliment gives me a good dose of reality, and less alone, as tales from this site usually do... Good to know that kind of story isn't me-exclusive.

Beth, awe, thanks, yeah, that was me 2 months back; not really trying either (no makeup, concealer, blush, etc., just a styling 20 minutes earlier) all in the hair, though, I think. Very apropos point about my inner critic; she's quite critical both of me and others. Perhaps I need to tell her to take a long nap, or to start seeing what she likes (eyes, cheeks, breasts, hair curliness, if not hair style) about me. Same as I should be doing more for friends; more positive than critical. After all, everyone likes to hear good things about themselves, right? I wish there was an equal statement to make about the down there parts. Don't think there will be one for quite some time there, sadly.

I need the right body so soon, it's getting me so down...I wish there was a way to possibly get it next year (1 year RLE for me is June 2014; hence next year).

[GorJess]

That area of me down there, as much as I always hate it, this has been especially bad, getting even more intense, hatred filled the past few days, I don't know what to do, I feel I can't wait that long; so depressed and sad...

Still no self harm risk, thankfully, but this really hurts...it feels like puberty again, where in addition to the deep emotional pains I got as is, there is now physical pain because what's down there is wrong.

[Jamie D]

I think there are quite a few pre-op MtFs here who can sympathize.  I have seen many fret over having male genitalia.  I don't like mine, but I am not as distressed, because I do not fully identify as feminine.

I do rationalize though, that male genitalia sprang from the same tissue in utero, and is essentially an inside out vagina.  After all, that tissue is used to construct the neovagina.

I could do without the testes, but mine don't do much anymore anyway! 

So, as down as it might get you, your junk represents the raw material for your future.

[Ltl89]

I can relate a lot with what you posted.  Despite the fact that I'm early in my transition, SRS is very important to me.  I've always had dysphoria regarding that "area".  Without going into details, I had health issues in that area for years which required me to get a surgery when I was 18.  Not only did it sucks to have those parts, but it was different even for boy parts.  Things are "normal"and I no longer have the same health issues and risks that existed before the surgery, but dealing with those memories and gender dysphoria in general really sucks.  I'll be glad once SRS becomes a viable option and I can be rid of it for good (damn my penury).  So I understand where you are coming from.

Having said that, don't feel like you can't date or meet a nice guy pre-op.  Many girls date beforehand and it works out fine.  Make the best of your life before SRS is possible and enjoy living.  It will come soon enough.

[MadeleineG]

Without going into details, I had health issues in that area for years which required me to get a surgery when I was 18. 

Been there. Twice. It was horribly dysphoric to have my attention constantly forced there.

The second time, while the anesthetic was taking hold, I apparently demanded SRS. The surgeon thought it was quite amusing. Who says I was kidding.

Maddy