My life has become a horror movie

[suzifrommd]

I don't know what I'm going to do.

My wife (whom I still live with, pending a separation agreement) has basically declared open war. She told me yesterday how furious she is that I won't agree with her on how to split up our finances. She accused me of all sorts of horrible things throughout our marriage. I haven't been perfect, but it's nowhere near the 20 years of hell she now claims it was.

The worst came after I went to bed. She basically stomped around and made a lot more noise than she needed so she could keep me awake.

It worked.

She knows this is my weak point. I've had extensive treatment for insomnia. I tend to wake up in the middle of the night and have a lot of trouble going back to sleep. When I don't get enough sleep, I exhibit severe depressive symptoms (which are totally absent when I'm well-rested). In the last year or two I've only just started getting it under control. When I'm short of sleep, I'm short tempered, find it much harder to be reasonable and keep my emotions under check, and am much less effective at my job.

I don't know what I'm going to do. She knows I'm not a vindictive or violent person and that there's no way I'd retaliate against her. She doesn't care about my well-being anymore. I've been advised not to move out of my house. It's half mine and it's far less likely I'd receive a decent final outcome if I give up the house early on. But it seems she's decided I've been awful enough to her that it is no longer necessary to treat me like a human being. She's intent on using her behavior to drive me to agree to her separation terms.

I'm put in mind of an awful movie I saw when I was younger called "War of the Roses" about a married couple who became dedicated to making each other miserable. As I recall it ended up killing them both at the end. I'm asking myself how my life ended as such a horror movie.

I don't know if I'm cut out for living under these circumstances.

How do you deal with living with someone who has decided it's OK to make your life unlivable?

[Dahlia]

It makes me wonder...your wife never had a clue about you being TS during all the years of marriage?

She didn't know until the day you came out?

[Beth Andrea]

Is there a spare bedroom?

Document everything! Dates, times, places...about this harassment. Keep a journal. Write down what she did (or didn't do), its effect on you, and your thoughts at the time.

[teri]

I understand fully how your partner would not have had a clue about you being transgendered.  Mine was the same way.  She was stunned and clueless.  We get to be very good about hiding and lying when we haven't come out.  Years of protecting ourselves has taught us ways to keep these feelings deep and buried until they force themselves out into the open.

I will think of you and your struggles.  I understand them all too well.

teri

[FTMDiaries]

I wish I had some sage advice... but I'm living in a similar situation, albeit my emotional abuse is coming from five different people, two of whom are my own children.

All I can offer you is a hug. I also echo what Beth Andrea said about documenting everything. I started doing that a couple of weeks ago myself... it may be handy some day.

[peky]

How do you deal with living with someone who has decided it's OK to make your life unlivable?

Get  your head out of the sand...like I told you before there is no way this is going down amicable...it is war, and you better prepare yourself for it...no time for wimping out

Look, your best defense is to be "cool," do not show her she is getting to you. First of all, take one room just for yourself, put some locks on it. Next, do what other have told you, open a separate check account where your pay should go, take all important papers, and heirlooms, etc, out of the house and in your office, journal everything,


To sleep take and ambiance, put some soft music, plug your ears...do whatever you can,


When she is around: whistle, sing, and dance, be very courteous, but above all happy.....NOTHING IRRITATES THEM MORE THAN NOT SEEING ANY RESPONSES TO THEIR EFFORTS TO BOTHER YOU.....GET A SEPARATE LAWYER....


SORRY IF I SOUND HARSH, BUT YOU NEED TO GET A GRIP OF YOURSELF....

[StellaB]

Oh dear.. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

But.. you have to fight back, even if it's against your nature.

I would fight back doing as Beth Andrea suggested, keeping records and documenting everything. You might also want to record some of the conversations, your wife's temper tantrums and record on video the nights when she's noisy (the moving images also record the light or lack of it which gives some indication of time).

Also if you have weak points, then so too does your wife. What are they?

Isolate yourself in one room in the house, with locks, with everything which is valuable and sensitive in it. Get an online cloud service for recordings and scans of evidence and stuff you're documenting in case the files are found or your computer is destroyed or stolen.

I understand you because I'm generally an amicable person and personal conflict makes me ill. But you're going through a divorce and about to start transitioning and gender reassignment - you're going to have to toughen up and learn how to pick your battles and fight them effectively.

What you have to bear in mind is that if someone is going out of their way to be unpleasant to you then they're not necessarily having an enjoyable time (here I'm giving your wife the benefit of the doubt that she's not usually unpleasant, I could be wrong).

If it goes against your nature to be unpleasant then there's a lot to be said for being passive aggressive. I know that most Americans give being passive aggressive a bad rap, but generally someone only really calls you passive aggressive when you're not doing what they want or expect. Here in the UK we call it being awkward or cantankerous.

I'd also make sure that you have an effective lawyer. If there's one available I would hire either a Nigerian or Pakistani lawyer (a tip I learned from a London businessman years ago) and you might consider a female lawyer.

So basically, get evidence, stop playing by the rules, and never, ever, ever give up on yourself. Fighting back would be good, but doing something which would cause your wife to abandon the idea of fighting you would be better.

[suzifrommd]

Thanks for all the wonderful advice.

Here's where I am so far:

GET A SEPARATE LAWYER....

I'd also make sure that you have an effective lawyer.

I do have a lawyer. She's onboard with my transition (a big concern. Didn't want a transphobic lawyer, or one who doesn't understand why I'm doing this.)

Is there a spare bedroom?

First of all, take one room just for yourself, put some locks on it.

I do live in my own room. Have the entire marriage due to sleep issues. Need to look into getting a lock on it.

To sleep take and ambiance, put some soft music, plug your ears...do whatever you can,

I sleep with white noise, which is very soothing and blocks out every sound except "thumping" sounds. That's why it was really effective for her last night to stamp around. She knows the limitations of white noise.

@Peky, Stella:

I really appreciate what you said about being tough and fighting back. I do know this is "war". I'm not as naive as I come off.

In all honesty, it occurred to me to go the passive aggressive route. It usually doesn't work for me. I have zero street smarts and have very little idea of what I can or can't get away with. I was always the one getting nailed for something minor while everyone else got away with major things. My lawyer has counseled me to be above reproach - give her nothing she can use to justify a protection order or case for cruelty (which in this state can get me thrown out of the house.)

I'm going to try Peky's suggestion about trying not to show she's getting to me. Again, I haven't been successful at that sort of thing in the past - I'm really easy to read.

@Dahlia and Teri:
I really don't see it as an issue of her knowing or not knowing I was trans before I came out. It's kind of a moot point. I understand why she's divorcing me and I'm inclined not to contest it in any way. It would be optimistic to expect her to be able to spot me as trans when I didn't know myself.

And I will start documenting everything. I should probably have done that months ago.

[Brooke777]

I'm so sorry things have taken such a horrible turn. I do feel your pain. In my case, I am the only one making any money. I told my soon-to-be-ex, that if she didn't start treating me with more respect I would leave her with no finances to cover anything,  and I would get full custody of our son because she would be on the street.  However, I don't think this will work for you, as your ex has a lawyer so she would know you can't do that. I wish you the best of luck my friend. Remember, you cam always reach out to me when you want to talk.

[misschievous]

Soundproof your room

[spacial]

Whatever you do, don't be physical love.

Other than support, I don't have anything else.

Take care.

[Brooke777]

Well she is probably really hurt. If you think, why would she do that? Well why would you do that to her for two decades?? Why would you have her pour her heart and soul into loving something that wasn't real?? I'm sure she is thinking at LEAST that much.

I don't wanna be negative but, you need to understand how she feels. HER life is a horror story and it sounds like it totally blindsided her. Now all the things she envisioned for her future are gone and she has to start over. How could anyone watch that fall to pieces and not be driven crazy?

I understand what you are trying to say. But, Suzi has taken great care in how she has gone through her transition, and really does her best to relate to her wife. Now, it is totally understandable that her wife would be hurt by this. But, it is her choice to react this way, and it is her choice to mistreat Suzi for just trying to be happy. Besides, Suzi has not always known she is trans like some of us, so her wife was not loving something that was not there. She was loving Suzi, prior to her understanding of herself as trans.

[StellaB]

@Peky, Stella:

I really appreciate what you said about being tough and fighting back. I do know this is "war". I'm not as naive as I come off.

My lawyer has counseled me to be above reproach - give her nothing she can use to justify a protection order or case for cruelty (which in this state can get me thrown out of the house.)

I wasn't suggesting retaliation just to be clear here, because that together with being trans in a court would stand against you.

Besides in my life in most cases it wasn't what I did which won me the battles but what my adversary couldn't get me to do or get out of me. I'm not particularly suited to conflict, personal conflicts make me physically ill, but one of my strengths is serendipity and my ability to find a way round or a way out.

Therefore I was more suggesting gathering evidence, non-cooperation and not giving in, anything which prevents your wife getting a payoff from her strategy and behaviour.

But then again just how major is this savings issue? How does it relate to the other issues?

Would conceding on the savings issue give you any purchase overall when it comes to the entire divorce? Would it give you any opportunity to impose conditions which would lead to a more amicable divorce?

You know the division of savings is a major issue for your wife. How much do you think she's prepared to pay for that concession?

Sometimes it isn't the victory which determines the outcome of a conflict, but how much the victory costs.

Or to use an analogy from chess - is this an issue of sacrificing a rook and perhaps a bishop to destroy a pawn formation to make the game easier?