Honestly, it's the question i'm asking myself. I'm just at my wits end with this. Let me give you a backstory. I am FTM, coming up on my 19th birthday. I can't stop asking myself why the hell would I be so adamant about doing this six weeks ago, and now everything has fallen apart. I have been taking hormones for a month now..and I am starting to get flashbacks of my early teenage years. How I looked for any excuse and way to be called a boy at 13. At 14 I began to bind, referred to myself as a different name, and dressed as masculine as I could. I stopped at 15 however, because my friends would make fun of me...I confided in the boy I would be with for three years at 15 and continued to do so until 17. (He would later tell me how torn up I was about this when I called him after I made the decision to start transitioning.) And at 17 I would cry myself to sleep because I was not born biologically male and continued to do this until I made the decision to do this permanently now, at 18. In part, the decision was made by looking at the bravery shown by my partner. She started transitioning two years ago and is now the most beautiful woman i've ever laid eyes on. I felt if she could do it, so could I. So I went to her clinic, and talked with the clinicians about starting hormones. I got them in two weeks, I was ecstatic. Then my body started changing..quickly. My shoulders broadened, I developed more muscle, face changed, facial hair grew, breast shrunk, and another...personal thing happened recently. A lot for only four weeks, but my voice has not changed at all. So I cannot pass. It has made me incredibly self conscious. On top of that, my life is so much harder now. I don't go outside anymore. I have started to become alarmed at the changes going on with my body. I am losing every female attribute, yet I still get called female. I have also come to the realization I will never have a penis. I have thoughts about just going back. Life was very easy as a girl. I was beautiful. My family wanted me to model. Men/Women literally threw themselves at me. This has made my life about 10x as hard. I have to change my ID, my gender markers on everything, I can't see my family anymore accept for my mom and grandma..I can't even go to the gym (which I love) because I am nervous about how people will see me. As a boy, or an ugly girl?
I just don't know if I can continue. I just don't know if I can go on with this. My life is so difficult right now. All I do is stay inside. I am going through withdrawal because I am in a different state and can't get my klonipin anymore, so I drink until I pass out. I am so depressed. I've started cutting again, my wrist of all places, they open up when I get in the shower and i'm just bleeding everywhere and it adds to the embarrassment. I just don't know what I can do.
I ask myself, was this really the right thing? Despite my feelings? Should I detransition? Please help. Today is so insufferable...i'm considering an overdose. I feel like i'm at the end. That I will never be happy.
