It is Over.

[rhonda13000]

I was repairing something in the Shop and I th..... ....I thought of some of the wonderful times that we had, so ........oi cant see that keybord thru the tears...thst we had, so often together,

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

NOW WE'RE LIEK enemies............why in hell am i doing thisi am tired of crying

one misery after another, TS has visited upon me, it destroyed us

i have a headache......

[Pysgod]

I was repairing something in the Shop and I th..... ....I thought of some of the wonderful times that we had, so ........oi cant see that keybord thru the tears...thst we had, so often together,

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

NOW WE'RE LIEK enemies............why in hell am i doing thisi am tired of crying

one misery after another, TS has visited upon me, it destroyed us

i have a headache......

You can't help being who you are.......

[Kimberly]

Something someone very dear to me said to me, "What dosnt kill you only makes you stronger." ... Even if it does not seem it at the time.

^*HUG* Hang in there Rhonda...

[rhonda13000]

my lord, i got up this morning [i have to work, this weekend] and it's like....i'm already crying again..

on this phoenix-like ascension it's like...its not a clean ascent....its requiring much more thrust than anticipated

i just cantget over  the uh,....tha tremendous sadness, grief, pain, agony...billions of tears cried - which  just never seem to run out

why am i doing this? cant see the keyboard...'ts - the gift which NEVER stops giving'

inflicting, that is 

whyy in hek am i doing this

[TheBattler]

You well get through Rhonda. Just keep strong.

Alice

[rhonda13000]

You well get through Rhonda. Just keep strong.

Alice

i actually have stopped crying...for the moment,...

a 'troubled ascent' indeed, a function both of impurities in the propellant and violent and variable 'winds'...

there are indeed, somethings in this life which are far worse than death 

but satiate my curiosity though,...i should have listed this characteristic as a weakness,

is it an asset or a liability to tenuously, ardently hold on to what in this case, was only a perception of hope, until you are finally slapped down hard by reality?

you keep hoping, until it is finally beaten out of you,...and after a great deal of pain and suffering sustained,

retrospective analysis can be appallingly useless, sometimes.

i slept with a loaded shotgun last night...but there was no sex

we're just friends.

[Elizabeth]

Hi Rhonda,

I am so sorry for the anguish you are feeling. I have been to the depths of dispair. I have cried until my tears ran dry. I have had that horrible feeling of can't go back and moving forward is just too painful. For everyone. It's tough coming to terms with this. For one thing, most of us had our lives set up for something different.

To change our lives, so we can live as the persons we truly are, is difficult. Not just on us, but those closest to us. We lose relationships. We lose friends. We lose even the smallest sense of belonging that we ever might have had, because it was not ours to begin with.

But you will build a new life for yourself. As the person you truly are. And you will meet new people and there will be others who will be important loved individuals in your life. I know. It happened to me and many others, not just here are Susan's, but everywhere. You can take your life back. You can be happy again.

The catch is, you have to do it. No one can do it for you. Embrace who you are and make a place for yourself. Give up the past, it is immovable. All that matters now, is how to be happy right now. Would have, could have, and should have, all have no place in your life now. Live for the moment. That is all there is.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Kimberly]

Sis, WHY is because you have to. It... THAT is the only reason we do this. It is the only sane reason to do this.

*HUG*

[rhonda13000]

My dear Rhonda:

Please understand that you are a valuable person that has made a tramendious contribution to this website and community.

You are wanted!

You are needed!

We so much want to continue to love you the best we are able for who you are!

You are important to us!


Through the transition process there will be periods of doubt, we all have them. Along with these doubts (Rhonda this is very important) come the sense of shame humilitaion. Some times they can be so bad you can not face anyone. My dear, we all experience this!!! It is programed into use by society. You are feeling this not because there is anything wrong with you, but as a result of how you are being treated by others. This is their issue, and they are making it your issue!!!! Quite naturally you are feeling depressed, anyone would if they are treated as outcasts.


My dear, please do me a big favor...Please go see a transgender friendly doctor in your community as soon as possible. And please make sure she is a transgender friendly doctor. This is very important in your state of mind. Please do not go to just any doctor. That most likely will make matters much worse! Please PM me as soon as thing get stable.


Heather

thanx hon.  not to worry though; i don't think that anything terminal is imminent.

i don't know

how much pain and agony in one lifetime is a woman expected to have to sustain under, it is wondered?

have i not suffered enough in this life?

at what point does it simply become 'emotionally cost ineffective' to try to keep going on, heather?

you get smashed hard by one thing after another, in addition to what you are nominally having to sustain under,....

at what point?

at what point does it become apparent that the bad nominally far outweighs the nominal and fleeting good?

when does it become actually rational, to 'get off the emotional rollercoaster' by ending it all?

[Ms.Behavin]

Hi Rhonda,

Maybe we need to form a "girls that cry every night" club.  I ask the same things of myself every day and every night, Why is it so hard, why was I born this way.  So far God has answered "Just because".  I had to give up a woman I most dearly loved, My true love,  just so I could be me.  We're still friends yet it hurts every stinking night.  I have not gotten over that.  Not at all.  It's been 7 months and it hurts just as much today as then.  Boy I'm glad I have my therapists visit coming up today.

It's not easy being TS sometimes,  the price is indeed steep.  I think most of the girls and guys too on this board have felt the same sense of loss that you've felt.  I do know lots of how you feel. 

Take care dear Rhonda, Your not alone in your grief.

Beni

[cindianna_jones]

Why you ask?

I don't know.  No one else does either dear.

But we all ask the same question.   We all deal with it in our own way.  We all come here to comiserate.

I'm so terribly sad that you have lost your love.  Life sucks sometimes.  We all know it.  I'm sorry.

Cindi

[Suzy]

Oh, Rhonda, I feel for you babe!  Life in the midst of this can really suck sometimes. 

Better days as well as difficult ones will be in store for you, not a clean ascent.  But do celebrate the good things while you can.

Oh, and put the shotgun away!

Peace,
Kristi

[Jillieann Rose]

Rhonda,
Life does often suck. But it's the few good times that I live for.
Remember last week how you were so happy about your breast.
If I remember right you go or have went to church.
When I'm down I often thinking of an old old song that we used to sing in church
called "Count Your Blessings".
Words: John­son Oat­man, Jr., in Songs for Young Peo­ple, by Ed­win Ex­cell (Chi­ca­go, Il­li­nois: 1897).
When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Refrain

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Refrain

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

Refrain

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be disheartened, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

Refrain
Some times remembering my blessings (the good times and things that have happening my life) is the only thing that get me through the day.
Hugs
Jillieann   
 

[cindianna_jones]

Hey Jillieann, that's a song I used to sing when I was a child in the Mormon faith.  I liked that one much more than many others.  I haven't thought about it for many many years.  But the message runs true.

When I'm down,  I think of the positive things in my life.  Sometimes it feels like a senseless exercise, but I do realize that there are some pretty wonderful reasons to keep on going.

Rhonda... how are you getting along tonight?

Cindi

[rhondabythebay]

Rhonda, I've enjoyed your posts and the raw emotion therein. Please take care of yourself. See someone real time to talk to and keep talking to us.

I wanted to leave you with a piece of Max Ehrmann's, Desiderata:

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Many Hugs,


Rhonda

[rhonda13000]

05:41 EDT - getting ready for work

40+ years of it...my Lord...i shouldn't be here right now...shouldn't be alive aftre all of that

i wasn't fighting just two 'demons of the mind', but three,,,,

--the worst, hi-intensity ts

--adhd

--an organic serotonin [neurotransmitter] problem

it was nonstop hell for 40+ years

i never listened to segovia's works until very recent...my Lord what a remarkable maestro that he was

i didnt know what the hell to do. i only knew that i couldn't win against it

i'm so tired of being beaten down...by life, by my mind, by tears and crying

i feel so old....

disrotred vision again 

i dont understand. what did i do to deserve all od this

were it not for my intellect, i would have been dead long ago - and then i would have been spared all of that pain over 40 years.... an apparent blessing and a net curse...im tired as hell

[Ms.Behavin]

Rhonda

It is very hard to live life just with a rabid TS gene. Boy I know that all so well.  You are blessed to have a very strong intellect.  Your posts have always been enjoyable for their complexity of thought.  You are a sister to many of us and as sisters we must stand together.  Anything I can do to help you girl, you let me know.  You can email me direct at goldwinggirl@yahoo.com and I'll give you my phone number that you can call anytime day or night.  I do know some of how you feel all too well, for it's hard some days just to just keep going.  But there is hope and the light at the end of the tunnel is not a train. 

A thousand hugs for you dear girl
a hundred to dry your eyes
two hundred to take the blues away
three hundred so you know your not alone
five hundred just becasue your you

You are not alone Rhonda.  You have a family of sisters who think your pretty cool, just because your you.

Take care

Beni

[Jillieann Rose]

Rhonda,

You are not alone Rhonda.  You have a family of sisters who think your pretty cool, just because your you.

Count me as one of them.
icon_hug:
Jillieann

[Ms.Behavin]

Oh Drat that Blonde moment.  My email is Goldwinggirl@gmail.com not yahoo.  I really really need to be awake before I type email addresses. 

Rhonda I hope your OK.

Beni

[Shana A]

You're not alone!

zythyra