My Previous Positivity Round Here Makes Me Feel Like a Sap (Little Bit)

[Misato]

I've had so many positive experiences since embracing my need to transition.  One after another I've been freed from fears, prejudices have been blown away and really the the world looks a lot more wonderful.

But!  Then you have systems.  Such as, oh say, health care.

I had insurance coverage for the parts of transition I needed and I lost it.  But, I've gone over that already in another thread.  Now that I've explored every option I can think of to try and save it (my old employer is closing so there goes the COBRA option) I'm resigned to paying for discrimination every week by having to buy a plan that doesn't cover what I need it to cover.

Part of me feels foolish for complaining.  I doubt I'm alone in this boat.  This is just the most traumatic thing that has happened to me since I started coming out and thus making myself vulnerable to the world.  It doesn't hurt as much as the nights I was sure I was stuck as a boy, but that pain is the only time in my life I can compare how I feel tonight to.

I'm angry that they didn't give me the exclusion list before I got hired, thereby removing my opportunity to make a choice for myself.  In the plans I went shopping for I found that list readily enough.  I thought... Bah!  What does it matter?  I'm also angry how cold my new employer has been.  Unanswered e-mails (suppose I could try phone) but when I did confront one of the HR people she started to play the blame game of who was supposed to tell me.  My boss told me I was "effusive".  Another HR person listened, then went on to talk about all the wonderful charity work the company does like that somehow remedied the matter.  She said she brought my lack of coverage and surprise up  to a VP, VP said that they'll review the policy.  I don't believe her.  I also don't believe any of the people involved are bad or jerks.  I just think they have blind spots that, being cisgendered, I can't blame them for having.

Meanwhile, I went to a It Gets Better panel and a Ball Jointed Doll panel at an Anime Con last weekend so I have fresh memories of how much I love my new life.  So I also have fresh determination to fight for my life and not do something I might regret like harness my anger into energy to hurt my employer back even though I want to, I really want to.  Heh, that actually makes me think of how happy I am that I really do NOT want a drink.  A year ago, I probably would have found, no, I WOULD have found some beer tonight.

So I will not give them my loyalty.  I will do my job to the best of my ability for the same reason I always have, because it makes me happy to do good work.  I will not let them harm who I'm becoming and I will turn as many of these bad things as I can into lessons that I can learn to make me a better person.  I just might get a start on that tomorrow.  Tonight, I still feel like a cry.  I do want to believe in good outcomes but this and Anna! : D's trials with her parents (for example)-- we don't deserve to be treated in these harsh ways.  If we weren't, well, I know I would have had at least a little easier time getting help.

[Cindy]

Sister,

You are a strong woman. You will overcome this as we all overcome the setbacks that are sent.

Do the work, but don't give them your soul. Build your reputation and rub their noses in it.

Then leave for something better.

We never give in.

Hugs

C

[Anna++]

I agree with Cindy.  It shouldn't just be you working for the company, the company should also work for you.  Keep your chin up, you'll find something better soon enough!

[Jess42]

Misato, that last little bit about loyalty. Well, be loyal to no one else but yourself, close friends and lovers. Never be loyal to a company, political party, large groups of people or corperations. I may be a little jaded in my outlook of life but have found you can be like as loyal as a dog and the minute something happens, you have a sickness, or they get what they want from you, you are then thrown under the bus.

[ZoeM]

Positivity is most valuable when it's most difficult to maintain, Misato. Keep your spirits up, even - especially! - in hard times. It'll help you get back on track, stay the course, whatever it takes to fix this.

-overly positive Zoe M

[Ltl89]

It sounds like you have been very unhappy with your current job.  While all jobs are tough and have their downsides, you want to have some happiness with what you are doing.  If possible, I would start looking for work elsewhere.  I know it's tough to find work (believe me), but you shouldn't feel miserable at all times with your job.  That isn't a healthy thing in general and you deserve better for yourself.  Personally, a job with slightly less pay sounds more ideal to me than working somewhere that I feel defeated everyday. 

I hope things get better Misato.

[FTMDiaries]

I really feel for you people on the other side of the Pond who have to suffer financial difficulty in order to transition. I wish there was more I could do than to send you a big hug, and to echo others' recommendation that you look for a new job (again).

[Jess42]

Misato, if I can remember you play the guitar, right? Say screw working for a living and lets start a trans band. That the perfect job. You can dress feminine, wear makeup, sleep all day and then wake up a reherse. No urinanalysis, groupies of whatever kind, tour buses, the ruder you are to the establishment, the more fans you will have. God, I gotta stop now, too much overload.

A good name, and I though about this often and hope it don't offend anyone but, The Metal Transbians.

[Misato]

Thanks everyone.

A recruiter friend of mine got me in touch with someone who knows about benefits which was a great bit of news.  Don't know if she'll find something I missed but having that helping hand has really made me feel good.

Definitely won't be giving my new employer my soul.  Just the rub in it all is the work itself is pretty good.  Still, I did polish the ole' LinkedIn profile again last night before I posted this.  I've been laid off so I have a first hand lesson in how loyalty, if it flows, only flows one way.  I was just spoiled for seven years at my last-last job.  They really did a lot to help me, especially with school.

I'm mainly upset by how cold they've been about denying all trans coverages.  No empathy, just kind of a, "Sucks for you" from one of the HR reps!  But today the Director of HR took charge of my case as it were so at least I started to get responses.  That was nice.  And my current plan is to not let this go while I keep my ears open for new work.  I won't smack em', but I will nettle em'.  I'm concerned there are others in the company wrestling with finding their place on the Gender Spectrum who aren't getting help they need (Therapy, HRT, etc...) because they can't afford it.  Wish I/we could setup a support group or something.  I know there are gay people there who share in discrimination from not having a traditional family.

I ain't giving up.  Even found some dark-ish humor thinking this is just another case where being a woman is a pre-existing condition.  Somehow that made me feel some form of solidarity, even though it isn't entirely applicable.

Oh, I'd love to ROCK Jess!

Makes me glad to know I've been your big sister here Fezzikia.

[Jess42]

Yeah, crap runs through my head all the time, sort of like mice running around in a dark room. I was thinking if I had a band that Metal Transbians just wouldn't sound right and came up with The Titanium Transbians. Still a metal but stronger than steel, which defines us as transgeder. Shinier, smoother and more refined. So if you ever hear of The Titianium Transbians, you'll know who it is. Musically though, it would still have to be heavy and dark.