Guilt.

[Liminal Stranger]

My mom told my dad that I'm sick, yesterday he sent a text message asking what's wrong. I didn't answer him. He called and left a voicemail on my phone as well. I haven't been able to bring myself to listen to it.

I wish things weren't this way. I don't want to be the bad guy, because I feel this killing him inside. But I know that answering that text is just giving him the key to step back into my life and turn abusive all over again. All I want is to make the cycle stop...why does this have to be so painful?

[spacial]

Don't answer.

If he's responding to a message from your mom, he can get his info from your mom.

Don't play their games and don't get involved

[Ltl89]

I may have misinterpreted things, so figure me if I have.  If your father is or was abusive to you, don't contact him.  You don't need to bring that back into your life.  Although he is your father, you need to worry about your own safety.  Like spacial said, let your mother handle it. 

[Liminal Stranger]

I'm letting her talk to him, and her alone. I feel bad that this is added stress when he's moving into a new place after staying with his mother (also not the nicest of people), but on some level he deserves it. The thing is that looking from everyone else's viewpoint, they'll all see me as horribly selfish and ungrateful because they don't know what goes on. They're distant family, I shouldn't care. But I still do.

He used to be so nice. I found a lot of things in my drawer the other day, including little notes he would write to me on scraps of waxy paper. There is one that has meant the most to me, a heartfelt apology for not getting to the house early enough to read me a bedtime story and not being able to let me sleep over at his house the night before. There are little conversations, scraps of memory all over the place. And I feel like I'm taking the past and destroying it by not giving him a chance...but I know I can't do that for the sake of my well-being. It just hurts so much.

[DriftingCrow]

I'm letting her talk to him, and her alone. I feel bad that this is added stress when he's moving into a new place after staying with his mother (also not the nicest of people), but on some level he deserves it. The thing is that looking from everyone else's viewpoint, they'll all see me as horribly selfish and ungrateful because they don't know what goes on. They're distant family, I shouldn't care. But I still do.

He used to be so nice. I found a lot of things in my drawer the other day, including little notes he would write to me on scraps of waxy paper. There is one that has meant the most to me, a heartfelt apology for not getting to the house early enough to read me a bedtime story and not being able to let me sleep over at his house the night before. There are little conversations, scraps of memory all over the place. And I feel like I'm taking the past and destroying it by not giving him a chance...but I know I can't do that for the sake of my well-being. It just hurts so much.

Hey Max, it'sokay to feel conflicted. Hold onto the good memories but remember he's not right at the moment. Sometimes people get themselves together after a number of years. Let your mom handle things, feel better, finish school, and let thingstake their natural course.

[Liminal Stranger]

Thanks...I just know that with the way things are going, I'm not going to speak to either of them when I leave, not them or extended family or pretty much anyone save for a few very select people. Probably going to move far away and try to make something of myself, but I worry that I'm going to regret it in the long run even though it seems like the least harmful choice. The only good thing about being stuck here is that it gives me time to think things through.

[spacial]

Whatever is causing any of them to behave in these ways, the best you can do is not encourage it.

OK, you feel bad about the past, but you didn't create this.

You're doing good

[StellaB]

I'm sorry but not being in touch isn't enough if this is an abusive relationship.

You see if each time the phone rings makes you wonder, if a voicemail or text message elicits feelings of guilt and other negative feelings then it's half the effect. Each time this happens he's won and you've lost.

Breaking the cycles isn't just about not maintaining contact and not responding when an attempt at contact is made. It's also about disassociating yourself from the feelings and emotions which come from the fear of such contact.

This isn't easy because it's the memories which elicit the feelings (even if there's no more fresh experiences) and it can take time and effort to recognize the triggers and find a way of not responding to them.

There's of course nothing you can do to change the past, but there are things which you can do to change how you feel about the past.

This is your power and it's right there in your mind.

[Liminal Stranger]

I guess. It'll fade with time, right now I can't help myself. The memories are powerfully rooted in my mind because they're the only thing I have to hold onto, because they remind me that things weren't always like this and sometimes give me a sliver of hope that they can go back to that even though I know they can't. But then there's the huge amounts of awful memories keeping me from doing anything. Several doctors now have said that between what's happened and the constant nightmares I have, that it sounds like I have PTSD, minus the spontaneous flashbacks people can get with that. I guess it makes sense.

It's probably for the best that I leave them behind for good, so that maybe I can try to forget the past and move forward.

[StellaB]

I guess. It'll fade with time, right now I can't help myself.

Exactly, which is why my heart truly goes out to you. Some people seem to think that all victims of abuse have to do is walk away but that sadly, and unfortunately, is just the tip of the iceberg.

It's important to keep hold of those hopes, never give up on yourself, and enjoy the successes, one day at a time.

[Liminal Stranger]

Thank you. So many people always have kind words here. I'm just trying to take things day by day, I have enough to worry about right now without my dad bothering me. He should go focus on moving in and let me be, I don't want to talk to him.

[QuestionKnot]

I feel on some level I can empathize. My parents are abusive, but it's kind of tragic since its clear some part of each of them wants things to work out. Problem is they're so soaked up in their bs they don't know how to have healthy relationships. When I feel their good intentions, or at least when they pretend to have good intentions, I want to run to them and try to make things work. But when when we have our little talks, and they make their promises to do better, they never do anything differently. They just revert to their old abusive ways. And then I feel guilty because I have to walk away from them to keep myself sane.

The bottom line is you have to focus on yourself right now. Let their problems be their problems. They're adults and can work through their issues on their own. You need to focus on you. Your doing the right thing by letting them go, at least for now. Just keep reminding yourself of that.