Gender is just so confusing...

[iWantClarity]

Hi I'm faab, I've just turned 16 actually, but I'm being driven insane because I`m so unsure of my gender.

I've always been boyish but at the same time, I always pass as female. I wear bras and jeans, but the rest of my stuff is guys clothing. I'm okay with being female, because I'm used to it. Female parts have always just been part of my body, I've never really felt physical dysphoria (aside from my breasts), just disconnection. Like I said, It's just a body.

I've envisioned myself as a male quite often, and online go by Benny. I feel as if I'd actually be happy if I transitioned, as opposed to feeling just feeling okay all the time and just settling.

I feel envy when I see guys, especially shirtless, because I want to be able to go outside without a shirt with just a flat chest. I get emotional when I lose in sports against guys my age, because most of them are bigger and stronger than I am and knock me on my butt with no effort, and all I want to do is be able to keep up. I want to be muscular, to have broad shoulders, to have facial hair, deep voice, to be able to pass as male.

What throws me off is that sometimes if I see an attractive feminine girl It gets me doubting myself, maybe if I dressed like they did and just be more feminine,  I'd feel better about myself? I don't know, sometimes I'm reluctant to give up the female label but at the same time I still feel more male than I do female I just don't know why I feel this reluctance... things are just too confusing. 

I'm sorry, I just needed to get this off my chest.

[Edge]

Hi, I'm also faab and I am a trans man.
Trans people feel varying degrees of dysphoria. For some people, it's not as bad as it is for others. Even people who do feel dysphoria don't always feels it all the time.
I also feel a lot of the things you describe.

What throws me off is that sometimes if I see an attractive feminine girl It gets me doubting myself, maybe if I dressed like they did and just be more feminine,  I'd feel better about myself? I don't know, sometimes I'm reluctant to give up the female label but at the same time I still feel more male than I do female I just don't know why I feel this reluctance... things are just too confusing. 

I sometimes feel this too and it is confusing. It might have something to do with fear of the unknown. After all, transition is a big step and there's no way to predict the future.

I'm sorry, I just needed to get this off my chest.

There's no need to apologize. That's what Susans is here for.

[ford]

What throws me off is that sometimes if I see an attractive feminine girl It gets me doubting myself, maybe if I dressed like they did and just be more feminine,  I'd feel better about myself? I don't know, sometimes I'm reluctant to give up the female label but at the same time I still feel more male than I do female I just don't know why I feel this reluctance... things are just too confusing. 

Hello!

Yeah I did that too. I'd think things like: if only I found the right outfit, or the right shade of lipstick, all these confusing feelings would vanish and I'd be a happy confident woman.

Spoiler alert:

It didn't work for me. Many worn-once skirts and tubes of lip stick later, I'm finally transitioning to male.

You're definitely asking the right questions though. The process of self-discovery is a journey, so it's hard to say where you'll end up in the end. Happy traveling

[iWantClarity]

Thank you Ford and Edge. Your responses are appreciated. It's relieving to know that I'm not alone in the way I feel.

[Darkflame]

Another faab chiming in  I relate a ton with what you're saying. I spent a long time trying to find the right way for me to be happy as a girl. Or at least comfortable. I copied all the women around me trying to find myself, like it would just click one day and I wouldn't be so confused and uncomfortable anymore. This mostly consisted of buying way to many clothes that I only wore a couple of times, changing my hair the second I got used to it, etc. All that I accomplished was making myself look like a pretty girl, which ultimately didn't matter, because I felt like a boy who was dressed up like a pretty girl. I wasn't me.  At some point I had an epiphany that I wasn't going to find myself that way.

It's not to say I don't doubt myself, because I do  But I feel confident enough knowing no matter what I did, I would never have been able to change who I am.

[Ltl89]

Hiya Clarity...

Welcome to Susan's!

I think that nobody can honestly tell you what is best for you. I kinda want to be the devil's advocate because I think when people sign up and are met with a lot if "I totally understands" from trans people it can give a positive feeling about transition where maybe it was perfectly reasonable to have doubts. Because, of course, transition is not for everyone.

I don't mean to say I know what you feel or have been in your exact position before...

But again I do think it's a decision that you can't leave any part of to someone else. Cause they're not gonna be the ones it is making happy or sad ten years from now. So if you are uncertain it's best to avoid anything irreversible until you feel more certain.

I think in the meantime it is best to explore how you feel honestly and openly. There are a lot of things you get rid of in transition. What personally will you gain in return? Maybe try presenting male somewhere casual, like even just a forum or chat somewhere. Or if you think you could pass, you could even try going out in guy mode a few times. Does it make you happier?

Well, yes, all I wanted to say is, it's all up to you and I think eventually you will get a better idea of how you feel. How you feel is the most important part. This forum is a great place to get support and read about people's experience in transition.

So welcome, hugs, and I wish ya the best of luck

I completely agree with this advice.  Transitioning is a tough road, but the right one for those who need it.  However, if it isn't needed, you could be making more problems for yourself.  At the end of the day, only you can know what you need and what path you should take. 

Having said that, what you stated in your post shows that you have some level gender dysphoria.  I don't think it is too common for people who aren't transgender to go through those feelings (at least for a long term period).  So, I think this is certainly something you should look more into.  Where you fit in the gender spectrum is up to you to discover.  Dysphoria differs from person to person and there is no classic textbook answer to define ones gender identity.  Discovering one's identity is more of a personal journey. 

In the meantime, you could attend a support group or go to a gender therapist to learn more.  It never hurts to learn more and share your experience with others.  Personally, I have found that to be very helpful.

[iWantClarity]

Thank you for your responses Darkflame, Girl you look fierce, and learningtolive.

Everybody definitely is different and this is something I need to figure out on my own. It just felt better to get this off my chest, no one else knows it and it was such a heavy burden until I let it out somewhere.

I think I'm looking into callen lorde's teen program. I'm not really ready to tell my parents so I'm trying to, like my name suggests, find a bit more clarity before I jump into things.

[Ltl89]

Wishing you lots of luck.  I've heard lots of good things about Callen Lorde, so I hope you have a good experience.

[Erik Ezrin]

Just know you're not alone. You're a lot like me when it comes to many feelings, and I've been through the craziest emotional rollercoaster ride of my life (but I bet about every transperson has).
You'll figure things out! Good luck!
*hug*

[Pogopopez]

Hi Clarity,

In the end, it all depends on what makes you happy. Gender is a spectrum. There is no "all male" or "all female." Ask yourself. Will starting a journey on T inevitably make you into your authentic self? If the answer is yes, when you really envision the rest of your life. Then it might be the right choice. I know the feeling of "if I just improve x then I'll finally be attractive and happy as a woman". But I realized after I changed my outward appearance to make an "attractive" woman, I still ended up hating myself. Its better to be happy and not exactly mainstream than traditionally "pretty" and miserable. Thats why I myself am on this journey with hormones.

You don't have to have all the answers now. I don't have all the answers and i'm six weeks on T. I still question myself an my gender. But going back to who I was is just not an option! Assimilation is not an option. You figure out what makes you happy and authentically you! Stay strong!

-Sam.

[Pogopopez]

Another faab chiming in  I relate a ton with what you're saying. I spent a long time trying to find the right way for me to be happy as a girl. Or at least comfortable. I copied all the women around me trying to find myself, like it would just click one day and I wouldn't be so confused and uncomfortable anymore. This mostly consisted of buying way to many clothes that I only wore a couple of times, changing my hair the second I got used to it, etc. All that I accomplished was making myself look like a pretty girl, which ultimately didn't matter, because I felt like a boy who was dressed up like a pretty girl. I wasn't me.  At some point I had an epiphany that I wasn't going to find myself that way.

It's not to say I don't doubt myself, because I do  But I feel confident enough knowing no matter what I did, I would never have been able to change who I am.

I seriously know the feeling. My girlfriend and I made a joke that i'd been crossdressing for the better portion of 18 years. I'm so good, I can walk in Jeffrey Campbell's . Oh yeah! 

[Maribeth12]

Hello,

I experience similar feelings about whether I should be a girl or not.  I sometimes think that if I work out more or get muscular I will have the confidence to just be a guy... but lately I have come to grips that I honestly would be ecstatic to be a girl for the rest of my life. 

Ironically, myself realizations of thoughts of being a MTF transgender/transexual really boosted my "male" confidence.  I can talk to girls like never before but...  Inside I still wish I was one of them...



anyway, welcome to Susan's Place and I hope you find your answers in life sooner than later.  Same with me!

hugs
Maribeth