I'm going to preface this by sharing with you my own experience.
Back in 2005 prior to coming out full time I was the most popular English language Fringe playwright and director in Poland. Only a few years previously I was the highest paid stage director in alternative theatre.
I came out publicly as transgendered and went full time in support of equal rights for the Polish LGBT community. My downfall took place over the first eight days in November 2005.
I lost everything.. literally.. everything. I was destitute and living on the streets. I joke that I am an Auschwitz survivor, because I spent my first night sleeping rough at Auschwitz railway station in the south of Poland, packing the cardboard sheets I found down onto the snow to find somewhere to sleep.
I eventually made it to Warsaw, knee deep in snow, temperatures as low as minus 20. I had nothing, nowhere to go, no hostel, no night shelters and no welfare - being British in Poland. I slept on night buses, I slept in empty frozen railway carriages, I've slept in a railway tunnel, an abbatoir.
I remember this month in my life (from November 8th to December 8th) because I was tired, depressed, exhausted, and yes like you suicidal. I was also usually hungry and bitterly cold.
I remember going to sleep knowing that at best I had a 50/50 chance of waking up again. Just like playing Russian roulette, but shorter odds.
But all that what is written above isn't really that important. It doesn't help you or change your situation, it just informs you of my previous situation and reasoning for what I'm about to write.
Why are you building yourself an invisible prison? Aren't you restricted enough in your situation through being homeless and destitute? Isn't that enough?
You have all what is needed to change your life for the better. You are reading these words, you are breathing, you are still alive.
And these are the times when you have to rely on yourself and give yourself chances.
There's no point in beating yourself up over how you got yourself into your current situation. It's past, it's history, it's a waste of time and emotional effort.
All what matters is here and now, today, this minute.
If you end it now the people who put you where you are now will have won, and you will be dead, and not remembered for who you are, but as someone you aren't.
But why give up on yourself? You are there, living, breathing, reading these words. Surely you can give yourself one more chance, right? You are the one who can change things, yes?
Don't let these other people win. Don't let anybody put you down and keep you down, depressing you and holding you back.
Things can change, things will change, but this needs you alive and breathing to make things change, to make things better.
Can you hold on? Can you just hold on one more day?
You see nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. Not you, not me, not anybody else.
If you hold on one day more you will have survived one more day and will be closer to a situation where you can change things for yourself.
You can also help yourself by opening up your mind and heart to others and reaching out. This is where you can get to change things for yourself. This increases your chances of being able to change things.
There's something you need to know about people, if you don't already. There is nobody alive today who is completely resistant to stuff like unconditional love and affection. Nobody. Affection is as important and necessary to our survival as water, oxygen, and sleep.
This is why when you ask someone for kindness, most people will respond with kindness. You asking them for kindness opens up an opportunity for affection in the form of gratitude. It makes them feel empowered and good about themselves.
But you are the one who has to do the asking. This is where you can have the power to change things for yourself. But you need to be living, breathing, and able to read these words.
You have the power to change things for the better, if given the opportunity.
You might find that opportunity tomorrow. But you need to give yourself chances to find that opportunity.
Therefore please, hold on, give it another day. Please don't give up on yourself and throw it all away.
Hold on, just one more day. Just one more day is all that could be needed for an opportunity to change things.
But if it isn't, you've survived one more day. And if you give yourself one more chance and wait for tomorrow, you could find that tomorrow brings you that opportunity.
I write from experience. I never gave up on myself, I never gave up on giving myself chances. I'm writing this post on my own computer in an apartment, I'm transitioning and living as myself.
You can be just like me, and others like me, if you are prepared to give yourself enough chances.
