Not sure what to say...

[D0LL]

Umm...I'm kind of downing the alcohol as fast as possible at this point in the night, so excuse me if my words come out jumbled.

I'm a genetic female, and...I'm not really sure what to consider myself. I've always wanted to be male, just as I've always been bisexual. As a child, I used to always think that if I could have one wish from a genie, it would be to be male, even if just for a day.

However, I don't consider myself a male trapped in a female's body. I don't believe I was born into the wrong body. I'm just not sure what I feel. Maybe it's that because of my severe Borderline Personality Disorder, I just feel wrong in every part of my body, no matter how I may look.

I always thought I wanted to fully trans, but after years of thought, decided that I would never fully consider myself male. Because let's face it, unless science evolves to a point where doctors are able to put fully-working, fully-male genitalia on my body, I won't ever feel up-to-par with genetic males.

So, a year ago, I started to go in the completely opposite direction, and worked hard to feminize my body. If I couldn't be male, I might as well be the best damned female I can, right?

I started on NBE hormones to grow my breasts, as well as anti-testosterones, and started working out to build myself some kind of booty. Within months, the results were astounding; the hormones were treating my undiagnosed PCOS (which prevented my body from making its own estrogen and caused immense amounts of testosterone). I went from a small 34B to an almost 34DD, and from a size 3 pant to a size 7. After treating my undiagnosed hypothyroidism the past two months, my waist went from a larger 26" to a little under 25" (and I'm still losing). I had successfully gone from a ruler-shape to a curvy pear.

However, I'm still not happy. Yes, I'm more confident in my body than I ever have been in my life. But being more confident doesn't actually make me confident. I won't even let my boyfriend see my stomach because I'm too ashamed.

I'd begun to wonder why I was becoming more frightened of showing my skin when I was looking much better than I ever could have hoped for. I just erased all pictures showing myself from my Facebook and erase my face out of pictures I put online. I absolutely abhor myself and everything about myself at this point. I'm not sure if my gender issues are what's causing the sudden problems, but I'm beginning to accept that maybe that's a possibility. Regardless of the reason, I will never forgive myself for wanting to feminize, even though if I had chosen to go the other direction with things, I still never would have forgiven myself. One of the reasons I also didn't want to transition is because I don't think I could ever be fully attracted to gay men, or even men who would be interested in a trans man. I'd rather be unhappy than unhappy and lonely.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for from this site. Maybe I want to explore my options. Maybe I just want someone to talk to about it (I have a few trans friends, but even they don't know how I feel--I'm just not comfortable talking to them about it). Or maybe I want to learn how to live life as both genders, living female most of the time and partying as male, or vice versa. I'm open to suggestions at this point.

[ChristyB]

I can't say I know what your feeling myself, but I know what it means to feel unsure of your body nor your sexuality. My therapist has assured me that they are different aspects of who i am. I can "feel" feminine, but be attracted to women. So ultimately you could consider me a lesbian. If that makes any sense. If it does you are far more along these roads than you give yourself credit for. How you perceive yourself, is far different from what attracts you in a potential mate. The fact that you are reaching out to others is incredibly helpful in you figuring out for yourself what is important to you. Many people compensate for their feelings by over masculinizing, or feminizing themselves, or using self-medication to ease the pain that they live with. The fact that you have feminized yourself has nothing to do with your personnel self worth, but more to do with your desire to fit in within the societal limits we are all constrained with.
  I commend your reaching out to anyone, including members of this site, no matter the alcohol content, to come to a fuller understanding of yourself. If wishes were horses I would trade positions in a heart-beat. Oh, well, we live in a world were wishes are not what we want them to be. I recommend asking whatever questions come to mind and listen with an open mind and open heart to the responses.

Love,
Christy.

[V M]

Hi DOLL 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here - I understand you are questioning yourself, hopefully you can find the answers you seek

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Hugs

V M

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi DOLL,

Welcome to our little family. Over 11177. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another member.


Janet  )O(

[BlackBird]

Hey there D0LL, Welcome to Susan's! I'm new here too, I can tell you this Is a very loving and supporting place and no one will judge you over anything you're feeling, anything you're wondering. You're safe here.

"However, I don't consider myself a male trapped in a female's body. I don't believe I was born into the wrong body. I'm just not sure what I feel. Maybe it's that because of my severe Borderline Personality Disorder, I just feel wrong in every part of my body, no matter how I may look."

I'm an FTM. I used to think this same thing. I have never believed I was a male trapped In a females body. I just simply wanted to be male. It suited me, my lifestyle, my feelings and my needs more. I went Into an Androgynous phase for about a year before fully realizing I was a boy. I went to online chatrooms before coming out to anyone, I signed up as Male for the first time, It felt amazing. That's when I decided, This Is me.

"I always thought I wanted to fully trans, but after years of thought, decided that I would never fully consider myself male. Because let's face it, unless science evolves to a point where doctors are able to put fully-working, fully-male genitalia on my body, I won't ever feel up-to-par with genetic males."

Listen.. I know, Bottom surgery for FTM's Isn't the most successful at the moment, Maybe In the future but this doesn't mean you will not be a male, You are whoever you want to be, Your genitalia doesn't think for you! I understand what you mean but any human being with some respect wont judge you or see you as any less. If they do, F'em! You don't want to be around people like that anyway, Do ya? If someone Is going to love you, They will love you for you, No who you could be. 

"Regardless of the reason, I will never forgive myself for wanting to feminize, even though if I had chosen to go the other direction with things, I still never would have forgiven myself. One of the reasons I also didn't want to transition is because I don't think I could ever be fully attracted to gay men, or even men who would be interested in a trans man. I'd rather be unhappy than unhappy and lonely."

Please forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. There are plenty of sexualitys out there! Pansexuals, Asexuals, Bi-sexuals, Homosexuals and much more! I thought then I was transitioning, I thought no man would every love me. (I'm a homoromantic Asexual) -- I was wrong! I've found I attract people beaming with happiness and confidence! Once you love yourself, Others will love you too. I was definitely surprised. I'm now In a very loving relationship with my boyfriend. He was my bestfriend before I transitioned and he's always loved me, Through everything.

"I'm not sure what I'm looking for from this site. Maybe I want to explore my options. Maybe I just want someone to talk to about it (I have a few trans friends, but even they don't know how I feel--I'm just not comfortable talking to them about it). Or maybe I want to learn how to live life as both genders, living female most of the time and partying as male, or vice versa. I'm open to suggestions at this point."

I'm sure you will find an answer here at Susan's. Just stay open to suggestions, That's the best way to be. -- Whatever you decide I wish you luck and a happy and healthy life. Hope to see you around soon!

Love,

BlackBird. 

[Maribeth12]

Oh wow, I really have a frame of reference for what your going through.  I have gone through hell and back trying be able to appreciate myself.  I had a really sucky puberty (glasses, braces, fat) ugh but now that I am pulling away from it, I really am able to appreciate myself more but... still... there is disconnect.  I spend endless hours wondering what it might be like to be a girl but I also spend equal time condemning myself for having these thoughts. 

I would not say that I am a female trapped in a male's body but just a person trapped in a mental conflict that has gone on for too long.  This probably doesn't help you much, but my motivation to explore the other side of the spectrum might.  I already said that I spend a ton of time pondering my gender but recently I have tried to picture what my future might be like if I was a girl. Not as an after thought but with seriousness and purpose and I discovered that I could find my own piece of mind as a MTF transgender...

No one can tell what or who you are.  If you have doubts about being a girl then simply put yourself in the mental shoes of being the opposite gender and maybe you will be able to discover a solution to your problems!

Good Luck!
Maribeth <3

[D0LL]

Thank you everyone, including the fellow newbies here, for such a warm welcome. I'm already in love with this site and the people here. :3

"I always thought I wanted to fully trans, but after years of thought, decided that I would never fully consider myself male. Because let's face it, unless science evolves to a point where doctors are able to put fully-working, fully-male genitalia on my body, I won't ever feel up-to-par with genetic males."

Listen.. I know, Bottom surgery for FTM's Isn't the most successful at the moment, Maybe In the future but this doesn't mean you will not be a male, You are whoever you want to be, Your genitalia doesn't think for you! I understand what you mean but any human being with some respect wont judge you or see you as any less. If they do, F'em! You don't want to be around people like that anyway, Do ya? If someone Is going to love you, They will love you for you, No who you could be. 

I know that should be how I view this, but there are other personal issues I have that I won't go into on this site. My opinions on the matter have no place here. But these are issues that will always prevent me from accepting a full transition. Heck, it's probably the MAIN reason I've never felt ok with being female. It doesn't matter if I find someone fully able to accept me for who I am. It's a part of me that won't ever change, no matter how far I go with things.



I'm really glad I've been to this site before joining last night, otherwise I might not have found my way back here sober. Haha! ^^;

[Lyric]

D0LL, I have to admire someone who finds a new pond, jumps in and swims. You've made something like 35 posts in that last 24 hours and seem to be a very interesting person. It kind of saddens me, though, that your feelings about your body are so important to your self esteem. I suppose I went though a lot of that when I was younger, too. In spite of the impressions one might get from this forum, body modification or even gender change isn't going to make you feel good about yourself. At some point every happy person has stopped, assessed who they are, where they are and decided to just look around and enjoy things. It always comes from within, not from what  you do on the outside. I hope you reach that point soon. Life is too short to waste it nitpicking about details (minor or major).

I think you are really cool person. You seem to like to set your own rules. Personally, I've long since given up any desire to fit into any societal cookie cutter image. I think people who create their own unique lifestyles have way more fun in the long run than those who are always worried about fitting within society's unseen rules.

~ Lyric ~

[Devlyn]

Hi DOLL, welcome to Susan's Place! Glad you found the site. We always have room for new friends, hugs, Devlyn

[D0LL]

D0LL, I have to admire someone who finds a new pond, jumps in and swims. You've made something like 35 posts in that last 24 hours and seem to be a very interesting person. It kind of saddens me, though, that your feelings about your body are so important to your self esteem. I suppose I went though a lot of that when I was younger, too. In spite of the impressions one might get from this forum, body modification or even gender change isn't going to make you feel good about yourself. At some point every happy person has stopped, assessed who they are, where they are and decided to just look around and enjoy things. It always comes from within, not from what  you do on the outside. I hope you reach that point soon. Life is too short to waste it nitpicking about details (minor or major).

I think you are really cool person. You seem to like to set your own rules. Personally, I've long since given up any desire to fit into any societal cookie cutter image. I think people who create their own unique lifestyles have way more fun in the long run than those who are always worried about fitting within society's unseen rules.

~ Lyric ~

Haha, the way I see it, I had a total mental breakdown, pulled out a bottle of Captain, and had a groundbreaking epiphany. ;P
I...know I shouldn't be so nit-picky, but when you have severe BDD like me, it's hard to do anything else. My mom and sister used to tease me all the time when I was little. They would sit there and tell me everything that was wrong with my body until I ran off to my room crying. Then when I developed body hair at the age of 7 or so, I got tormented more and more by people at school. Then came the glasses...I stopped looking in the mirror at all costs when I was a young child. I was convinced I was the ugliest thing on the planet. As an adult, I look back at old pictures and realize that I was a freaking adorable child. But those types of learned behaviors are hard to overcome. :/

Just as my inner feelings towards my gender are hard to overcome. Anyway, thank you for your kind words. :3

[DriftingCrow]

Hi D0ll, welcome to Susans! I read your intro and I think you'll be a great addition to our board. 

-Henry

[gennee]

Welcome to Susan's, Doll. There's plenty of resources here.
Feel free to ask any questions that you may have.