Quote from: girl you look fierce on May 13, 2013, 10:10:08 PM
Uh-huh it's hard to admit I suffer from being trans but I guess I suffer more from the opposite problem in a similar way, which is being invisibly trans (the pressure of maintaining that invisibility). I present very much like (and raw personality wise actually do feel mostly like) a typical, fairly mainstream preppy girl and I'm just usually afraid that someone who should be like me, who grew up like that, would get a funny feeling around me, alert the hive mind, and then a thousand teen girls would spill out of their Forever 21s and H&Ms (I am not being critical here, I love these stores) and chant "not one of us!!
...which is totally ridiculous, lol, I just mean I blend in well enough that I have a spy-like guilt, because I know my own past and no matter how much I feel like I belong where I am now I know how many people would feel blindsided and weirded out, for whatever reason, if they learned I was declared a boy at birth and struggled through life forced presenting as one, forced to interact differently with the SAME PEOPLE who automatically assume they have so much in common with me now, until I had lived for two decades.
But I suffered far more from having to present male so I guess it's only fair I still have some issues now. Just I haven't built up the bitter comfort zone I had before as much... because now I really feel like I don't NEED to accept a comfortable numbness, or have to restrict myself from life, I really want to live it fully and enjoy it now that I can just finally be me.
I guess lots of variations of this type of problem are common for trans people, especially trans people in this not-so-cozy extended adolescence that is thanks to the world being so complicated now, and it does not help at all, at least for me that I can never actually be a mom without adopting, barring some breakthrough which may or may not happen and which doesn't actually leave you feeling that hopeful while ALREADY girls my age are occasionally getting married and having kids and it's only going to feel like a larger percent of them have as the years tick away from here.
I think those moms look so feminine and so inaccessibly above me, like in their own class or something, because ultimately, no matter how well I blend in, how cis I look, whatever, they can have what I can't have and there's nothing I can do about it. 
A girl would have enough feelings like this just being infertile without having actually had to live her life under the freaking label of boy for so long.
But, I really am trying to avoid comparing. I mean your own life is your own life and stuff. It's not fair to compare, for anyone really..
hmmm, it's less about being invisibly trans (which is something that i also am, and something that i'm grateful for, but which, you're right, brings a whole other set of issues with it) as much as being visibly queer, as someone who's a masculine-of-center dyke, and stuff.
with regards to being invisibly trans, yeah, it can get weird when people assume your history and project stuff like that. the current nurses at my college health center have decided on their own that i have PCOS and won't stop asking me about my period. they get really concerned when i tell them i've never had one, and then they ask if there's a chance that i'm pregnant. i've had to resist the temptation to tell them that, yes, in fact, there is a chance, because maybe i have been pregnant for the last twenty years of my life! that sure would explain my amenorrhea.
but...wow. ok, i guess things are pretty different with me because being A Queer Mom is sort of a different thing in this day and age. i don't even really think about the genetic forebear babies thing. i wasn't even really thinking about it when i was considering how having kids would shape my adulthood since i guess i've always assumed i was gonna adopt anyway.
but yeah, it's one of those can't compare things. personally, i'm grateful that i could never get pregnant, but it's different for everyone.
