Does the "out" community accept those who are still "in"?

[E-Brennan]

Maybe this is a silly question, maybe not.  Does the community of transsexual people who have transitioned, or who are in the process of transitioning, accept those who are still only "mentally" the opposite gender?

I ask because the chances of me transitioning physically right now are next to zero, much as I'd like to be able to. But mentally, I've been coming to terms with who I am.

How does this fit into the world of support groups and meetings? Could I realistically show up as me, just a regular guy, and be accepted where others have taken far more dramatic steps to address their gender issues?  To put it bluntly, do I need to wear a dress and put on makeup for everyone else to accept that my own dysphoria is real?

I'd love to attend a support group meeting, but I'm not sure how I would be perceived if I just showed up as regular male me. I imagine that many support groups are rather guarded and protective of their own, and might be suspicious of a male who presents as male showing up and trying to participate.

Or should I just buy that pretty shade of lipstick I've had my eyes on, along with the wig I would love to wear, and, er, "man up"?

Help?   

[Vicky]

I can only respond for the groups I have been part of, but the attitude toward closet folks and pre dressers was that if GD is affecting your life, you are welcome here and entitled to your place at the table and not under it.  Sort of like AA, where the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop boozing.  There will be some cliques that develop along the lines of who is and isn't cross presenting, but even cross presenters look better with a non presenter in the company for some social occasions.  If you can accept people who are out of the closet, your secret will be safe out of the group, and you will be anywhere from tolerated to fully loved and accepted.

Do check with the organizers for any groups however what the individual group is like before coming to the group, come in male mode the first time and go from there if it looks good.

[sneakersjay]

My experience has been the same as Vicky's.  Many people are in the early stages of questioning and still present as their birth gender.  Others have to continue in their birth gender for other reasons.  All have been welcome.  For some, going to the group was the only place they could come presenting as their true selves.  So yes, all are welcome.


Jay

[Anna++]

I went to one support group meeting a few months ago.  I showed up as a guy without a problem!  That group accepted anybody - even people that are supporters,  but not tg themselves.

[Devlyn]

Tiffany Club of New England is fairly big up where I live, their policy is here: http://tcne.org/?page_id=2

For the most part, support groups are exactly that, supportive. So to answer your question, yes. And no. Just like everywhere in life, there are nice people, and there are stinkers. Hugs, Devlyn

[E-Brennan]

I appreciate the feedback. It sounds like the TG world is about as accepting of everyone as possible! No arbitrary barriers, no qualifications, no judgment, just welcoming people with open arms.

That makes me feel a lot better about this process. Thanks again. No matter where my own journey ends up, I'm kinda proud to be associated with such a group of genuinely nice people.

[Tristan]

I know I'm gone but I have to post in this. Heck yeah I'm still accepting as are the people I was in a sorority with. Rather your post op or just taking the dive on day one.

[Ltl89]

As someone who is in the beginning stages of transitioning, I can tell you that I have never experienced any hostility from within the community.  Everyone starts somewhere.  All those people who have fully transitioned once went through a starting phase. If they judge you, then that is a group not worth going to.  Support groups are there to offer "support", not judge you for status.  Yet, don't feel awkward about dressing at a group.  It's a great way to start going out as the real you without facing societal judgement. Just be yourself and have fun

[Misato]

I've only seen, and myself only had, welcoming experiences.

As others have said these things are all about support.

Best of luck to you E-Brennan!

[E-Brennan]

What please is the community of transsexual people?

I hope I didn't cause offense, but I really didn't actually refer to a community of transsexual people!  I only referred to those who are "out" and their acceptance of those who are still not at the point in which they are comfortable living publicly as female.  The fact that we're all human beings goes without saying.

[Shantel]

There is always someone who seems to have a smug superiority complex no matter who you are or what the situation may be, it's human nature. There are a few in the TG community that crop up occasionally and exhibit high school like behavior, which in a transgender scenario might be likened to a butterfly stomping on the heads of other chrysalis's emerging from their cocoons In nature this would be regarded as an abhorrent anomaly if ever it happened. So from what I have observed here over several years is that it's not tolerated here at Susan's or at TG group meetings, these are suppose to be safe places for all.

[E-Brennan]

Thanks Shantel.  Trust me, I'm as humble and deferential as they come, and I really don't want to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, or act the wrong way.  Any missteps in these early stages are purely accidental, even as I'm figuring out the right words to say.  And it's so reassuring to read that everyone is genuinely happy to help - I'm so relieved that there are plenty of people who have gone before me who can give advice on how to make the path just that little bit easier than they had it themselves.

Everything is appreciated.  Everything.   

[Natkat]

I can only speak for my own experience.

as how I feel the typical suport groups I been to have been suporting of people who still is in early stage or in the closet, as already said its about suporting each other and every transgender have somehow been in an early strage or the opposite gender for a time or another in there past.
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the only place I remember seing people being sceptical been for a certain organisation and im actually not 100% sure why they arn't accepting of people who isn't out, but I think it something to do with there work, cause as a person in the closet it's much harder doing activism and such things than if you are out.

I dont think you should worry, suport groups are to suport, and if they are bitchy because your in the closet then its not the right group for you.

[Simon]

As a whole I have found other trans people to be very welcoming (of course there are instances that someone may rub you the wrong way but that is in any social situation). When I went to meetings it did seem like the only people a good ways into their transition were the people who ran the groups. Everyone else was either questioning, not medically transitioning yet, or in the first year of medical transition.

I think if you're curious about going then you should just go. Each group I have went to did a short intro when there is a new person. At that point just say whatever is on your mind about how you identify. I'm sure everyone there has been in the questioning/starting out phase and will understand.

[Kelly J. P.]

How does this fit into the world of support groups and meetings? Could I realistically show up as me, just a regular guy, and be accepted where others have taken far more dramatic steps to address their gender issues?  To put it bluntly, do I need to wear a dress and put on makeup for everyone else to accept that my own dysphoria is real?

It depends on the group, obviously. In the group that I used to go to, you would've been accepted no matter how you presented yourself, physically. If you act masculine, then there may be problems, especially if your conversations have very masculine subject matter.

I'm pretty good at accepting trans girls and women at face-value, before transition. I can't say the same for everyone else, but I would imagine that this quality would be quite present among members of a support group.

[Cindy]

A slightly different perspective, I don't go to trans support groups, I have no problems with them I just don't have the need or desire, I mingle openly in the community. However I  am contacted by trans people in various degrees of transitioning from no way will they present in public, but wondering about their  identity,to  FT men and woman who just want a chat, and increasingly with parents of trans* children who I'm asked to meet and talk to. I have never and will never reject any one.

I have totally no problems in meeting MtF people who haven't built their confidence or are still thinking about what to do and go out with them either when the are dressed or when they are presenting as a guy. If I can help them either by being a friend and just talking, or take them shopping and look after them so they are comfy, well that is what we do to help each other.

In saying I don't go to trans groups I do hear that the ones where I am are totally supportive and don't care how a person presents, or whether that are an SO or a parent who wishes to just find out stuff  or be supportive of their family member etc.

[E-Brennan]

That sounds like something that I would prefer, rather than attending a group.  Just finding one or two people and building up my own support network.  A couple of trusted friends seems to work far better for me than a room full of people I barely know.

[Constance]

The Transgender Parents support group that I currently attend, as well as the now defunct Mid-Peninsula support group, accepted and addressed attendees by their self-designated gender. I first attended each in "male mode" as I wasn't in transition yet, and I was accepted as the woman I identified as.

Now, that's only 2 support groups. I personally address people as they identify. There are times when I address my daughter as my son since they're gender fluid.

But, both my daughter/son and I are out. It can be tricky when an "in" person is out in public. How should they be addressed? My take on it is to do what makes the "in" person feel the most comfortable.

[Ltl89]

That sounds like something that I would prefer, rather than attending a group.  Just finding one or two people and building up my own support network.  A couple of trusted friends seems to work far better for me than a room full of people I barely know.

Keep in mind that a lot of these groups tend to be small.  It's not like you are going to a huge auditorium or something.  My experience is they are fairly personal and inviting. You may even make some good friends.  However, I know what you mean by wanting to make trusted friends in the community.  One of my best friends is trans and she has been incredibly helpful to me. 

[A]

Nah, I doubt you'd be welcomed badly. Or if it did happen, then you should congratulate yourself for identifying ahead of time a group of fools (to avoid worse terms).

If anything, going there as you currently are now would be helpful. If you "dress up" and "crossdress" especially for meetings while not really changing your own life, yeah, you might be offering yourself mental relief, but you're skipping the whole therapy part by not going as really you. Because who you are right now is not limited to who you are inside, or who you want to be. If so, life would be very easy.

Personally, I make a point of not going "special" for any specific occasion, even though the temptation is there to impress the endo and have him finally give me a decent dose of hormones, logical reasoning or not... Because even if it's momentarily being closer to the dream me, I know it's not "me" not to be "me" (the present me) all the time. It just feels more honest and unless you have the extreme bad luck of being around super bigots, it's much smoother and easier. Though to be fair it does make the step of buying clothes and getting a haircut a tad more stressful. (Currently bathing in this very stress.)

Finally, most people saying their chances of actually transitioning are very low are mistaken in saying so. Just saying~