What to expect emotionally after Top Surgery

[caa.caa]

My partner is planning on having top surgery in the near future. He has been transitioning for several years.. our relationship is very new. He is uncomfortable with his chest currently (hence the upcoming top surgery) and he has expressed that the thought of me seeing his chest before surgery makes him miserable. I have told him that I love him and that it is not important to me. He is a man in my eyes and nothing is going to change how I view him. I am trying to be supportive but I find myself being selfish and wanting him to be comfortable with me. After speaking with him I am realizing it is just an uncomfortableness with himself and a fear of how I will view him.
I wonder if he is going to be happy after top surgery or is he still going to see flaws and be uncomfortable with me seeing his chest. I am planning to care for him post-op but I am terrified that he will still have problems with me seeing him.. which would make it a BIT difficult to properly care for him. He tells me that everything will be different after but I have a hard time believing that he will go from this level of uncomfortable to everything being fine.

*Should I have a backup plan in place in case he is still (emotionally) uncomfortable post-op?
*Are there ways to help him be more comfortable pre-op or should I drop it?
*Does anyone have experience with a Trans partner being (emotionally) uncomfortable after surgery?

Thanks for any input. I am new to the Trans community and am trying to be as supportive as possible. I love him and want him to be happy, but have no clue how to handle his discomfort.

[spacial]

1. It really all depends upon hom and the sort of person he is. Obsessional and perfectionist people are often never quite satisfied. That isn't a bad thing per sae. What matter is how intelegent he is and how secure with the rest of himself.

Any backup plan will depend upon him. But it seems that getting this is vitally important.

If I were in your position, assuming all other things are equal, I would be backing off for now then as soon as the procedure is done, massage his ego as much as you can. But that's me and things equal.

2. I doubt there is any way to make him more comfortable pre-op. He is uncomfortable because of who he is.

3. Third point. over to someone who might know more.

[caa.caa]

Thank you Spacial!

He is very secure in all aspects other than his anatomy.. he tells me that his anatomy just doesn't match and this surgery will change his life. Hopefully, top surgery will help him see himself as I do. He is truly an amazing man and I want him to be  happy. I hate seeing him torment himself and want him to be able to look in the mirror and see what an amazing man he is.

[spacial]

The only problem I can imagine you anticipating is that post op, he won't be as happy as he thinks he will.

That is really just a wait and see. We have quite a number pf men here who have needed that op. They generally call it top surgery. I don't think any have been concerned other than the inevitable post op care, which is only a couple of weeks or so.

It's sad that you haven't had any responses other than from me. May I suggest you take this question to our FtM section? Those guys are great.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?board=27.0

Sorry to say, but some parts are quieter than others in here.

[Adam (birkin)]

*Should I have a backup plan in place in case he is still (emotionally) uncomfortable post-op?

Chances are the surgery will make a very big difference. He may still feel insecure about his scars, especially as they are healing, but I imagine it will be nowhere close to the feelings he has about what is currently on his chest. I know for me personally, the thought of anyone seeing that I have boobs even through my shirt makes me nearly have a panic attack, but I could be OK with someone I trust seeing my scars post-op. But I wouldn't go out in public with the scars, because I'd worry it would out me. But, if he isn't comfortable, the best thing you can do is just be supportive of him, let him know you love him and see him as a man, and respect his decision to either show you the post-op chest or keep it covered.

*Are there ways to help him be more comfortable pre-op or should I drop it?

Truth be told, I would drop it. I know you love him and you see him for who he is, and I am sure he knows that too, but there's really very little anyone can do to make dysphoria like that go away. He may end up feeling bad, thinking that you resent him for not being comfortable enough. As with post-op, the best thing you can do is just respect it either way. If he decides he wants you to see it, or if he wants to test the waters, just accept that for what it is (not as a good thing or a bad thing) and continue letting him know that you care for him and see him as himself. If he feels uncomfortable showing you, accept that too, as neither a good thing or a bad thing. That's what my partner did. A few times, I thought I might be OK letting her see or touch my chest, and she would, but she never acted either happy or uncomfortable about it. When I decided I was less comfortable and wanted my shirt on, again, she never acted either happy or uncomfortable. It just was what it was that day and that was the best thing she ever did for me, because it showed me she loved me no matter what my comfort level was that day, and that she would accept how I was feeling in that present moment without any expectations or whatever for the future.

I can't really answer your last question, as I haven't had my own surgery and I don't date men, but yeah. I hope someone can help you that that aspect and I hope my answers to your other questions help too.

[randomroads]

I'm also on the drop it bandwagon. He knows what you think because you told him already. Best intentions.... road to hell... All that stuff. Keep being awesome and LOVE him. Even if you haven't said those words it shows through actions. Tell him that he's lucky to have you for me.

[lightningeyes91]

Hello,
My parter plans to do the same thing. He will always be uncomfortable about something's just like every person I know. You just need to talk to him about what's ok and what's not. For you too not just him. Keep loving him and things will fall into place.

[blueconstancy]

I have no idea what your partner is like, of course, and so all I can do is tell you my own experience.

My wife had bottom surgery and went from "don't touch me there, if I think you're even THINKING about it I'll be so upset that it'll make me depressed for days" to letting me, no joke, shine a flashlight on her crotch. (...because she wanted me to check how it was healing, not as a kinky thing. Still, even as she was still only a few days post-op she was happy again to have me looking there.) Here's hoping that the same is true for your partner.

In the meantime, I agree that since top surgery is in the *near* future, you may as well let it go for the time being. If he's still uncomfortable afterward, you can cross that bridge when you come to it, but for now anything you say to convince him may only serve to remind him that you're thinking about the issue.

[Daniel006]

I can give you my own experience with top surgery and my significant other.  My surgery was about ten months ago, and we have been together for over seven years now.  The only time he ever saw my chest pre surgery was at my pre op appointment the day before.  He never touched my chest pre surgery at all.  I'm glad that he never asked to see or touch, because with my level of discomfort (even before coming out to myself in 2011), it would have likely caused relationship problems if he had.  As surgery got closer, he did want before pictures, but I refused and he backed off.

He was with me when the bandages came off, and I have had no issues with him seeing or touching my chest since surgery.  It feels great in a way I could never have conceived of before.  Hopefully, the level of comfort will be the same for your boyfriend.

Best of luck to you both!

[caa.caa]

Thank you all so much for the input!
Top issue is dropped. I am beginning to understand  better thanks to this forum and I definitely want him to be confident in himself and us