Coming out at work, or...do I really need to do it anytime soon?

[Antonia J]

I have a question that has me a little stumped and would love to hear the collective wisdom from all of you much farther along in your transition than me. I have come out to my wife and several close friends. I am also dressing somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum with skinny jeans, ladies shoes that look somewhat neutral, growing my hair long and probably getting ears pierced in the next few weeks.  I am not on HRT and am probably a few months away from exploring that due to some other issues I am sorting through. I honestly don't really care much about what people think of me or opinions they have, and have been clothes shopping in the ladies section and even tried on clothes in the past. That said, if I were to guess an outside opinion of how I present it  would probably be defined as middle-aged metrosexual or gay guy. My mannerisms are probably a confusing blend of male and female, though I am not flaming by any stretch.

That said, I am going to continue to shift my presentation to more female and am getting laser, the aforementioned earrings and other jewelry, and get my dastardly receding hairline corrected (god, why couldn't I have figured this out before I lost my hair???), and start pushing workplace fashion a bit further.

Here's my work situation, and while I mentioned earlier that I don't care what others think about me, I very much do care about financial security. I have a great job, and work as a Human Resources manager at a well-known larger company. We have a pretty well known internal company LGB community, including a c-suite executive who is openly gay.  However, we are smack in the bible belt, and this executive is remote in NYC.  As much as we are a tolerant company, we are still staffed by bible thumpers.  Around the office, I am probably the tail of the bell curve in presentation, and I am by no means pushing boundaries -- just look a bit metro or gay eccentric...though everyone knows I am married, so they probably wonder about this when I am not around.

The question is - should I even worry about saying anything? Should I just keep doing my thing and let them think what they will think? On the one hand, I don't really feel like I should have to say anything...though I then think I am being an insensitive jerk and not helping my colleagues with their own transition as I change. I then get anxious thinking I will say something and it will have negative repercussions to my career.  I am thinking that until I decide to move to HRT and start showing that I will just keep letting them wonder. Please tell me your thoughts -- especially those who are making or have made the transition at work.  I welcome a range of views - I am trying to get an understanding of issues.

As always, thank you for your help!

Toni

[Brooke777]

When my appearance started to change,  I informed HR and my manager what was going on. But, I did not come out t ok the rest of my colleagues until I was ready to go full time.  For me, that was the best approach since I was working for a very conservative company that did nit even know what diversity was. However, since your company has a diversity program, I think it would probably be safe for you to come out to them.  That would allow you to help others who might be questioning themselves,  or are just not sure about trans people.

[Theo]

You had me checking the name on the post a couple of times, Antonia, as the content seems stunningly familiar (all the way down to the gripe about the hair...). The company I work for is also relatively well known, and even has official guidelines for transitioning in the workplace as part of their diversity efforts. As for the presentation piece, I too predominantly wear female clothing, with skinny jeans, not-too-fancy sweaters, relatively neutral shoes, and virtually unnoticeable makeup. This is in sharp contrast to my style a year ago, which was better suited for a very conservative gentleman twice my age (aka "compensating while in denial" ). Hence, I am now often seen as middle-aged metrosexual or gay as well, leading to some people asking me point blank whether I've switched sides after my ex-GF.

I'm not out to our HR department yet (until Monday...  ), but seeing as the general attitude is very open, I am hopeful. The interesting talk next week is driven by the rules where I have to give management a heads-up at least 3 months in advance of my social transition. Seeing as I am on HRT*, I have to juggle my timing a bit, and am currently planning to switch after about 8 months of hormones. I decided to go down that route as I want to slowly let people get used to the transition, at least subconsciously. Presenting male but acting and dressing quite feminine, while simultaneously getting a more and more female body shape, will hopefully cushion the impact when I suddenly go in full-time. While I can understand people who say that passing is not necessary, I would like to disrupt office life as little as possible, both for others and for myself; hence I aim to at least pass in the casual "walk past someone in the corridor" context.

Oh, and spandex brassieres are your new best friends after a few months of HRT...

(and I envy you on the laser bit, >7 months of blend electrolysis and no one has even noticed yet *sigh*)

*editing to add: seeing as some people figure out after 6-8 weeks of HRT that maybe it's not the right thing after all, I also wanted to wait until after that time to lower the risk of making everyone aware of something that might not happen in the end.

[Antonia J]

I'm not out to our HR department yet (until Monday...  ), but seeing as the general attitude is very open, I am hopeful. The interesting talk next week is driven by the rules where I have to give management a heads-up at least 3 months in advance of my social transition. Seeing as I am on HRT*, I have to juggle my timing a bit, and am currently planning to switch after about 8 months of hormones. I decided to go down that route as I want to slowly let people get used to the transition, at least subconsciously. Presenting male but acting and dressing quite feminine, while simultaneously getting a more and more female body shape, will hopefully cushion the impact when I suddenly go in full-time. While I can understand people who say that passing is not necessary, I would like to disrupt office life as little as possible, both for others and for myself; hence I aim to at least pass in the casual "walk past someone in the corridor" context.

It does sound like similar situations! Funny, I work in HR, but had not thought to check on the transition policy. Given the nature of my company, I would not be surprised to see us have one. Thanks for sharing that - the more people I have talked to, the more that others have shared that my coworkers probably will need their own transition time, and not to spring it on them.  I think HRT is probably going to be the catalyst for that discussion, as you also mentioned.

I don't know if you ever feel this way, but sometimes out of simple curiosity and wonder, I just ask myself "Why hasn't anyone at least asked about my presentation?" Is it that it is not really the issue I have it in my head, or is it that people are afraid to ask? That said, I don't really feel a need to open the discussion at this point. Its more just a simple wonder. 

Thanks Brooke and Theo for your answers - I appreciate it!

Toni

[ZoeM]

I'm not sure about your company (although curiosity is driving me crazy) but I'd think larger companies especially would tend to be more open and forgiving with regards to issues of diversity, if only as a risk management scheme. 
I would be surprised if anything went wrong, TBH.

In my case I spoke to HR, and they just wanted advance notice on social/legal status changes so they can update records and names.