Hi all, you may call me Alaia (a name I'm still trying on, it's a Basque name meaning 'joyful' or 'happy'). I'm 37 years old and consider myself as a woman that was unfortunately born with a male body.
I've lurked around the boards here off and on over the years as I've struggled with my gender dysphoria. I'm finally registering now as I'm seriously considering transitioning. I know it's what I want in order to be happy with myself, I just have to muster the courage to face all my fears about the future. And I have a lot of fears and concerns considering I'm married to a wonderful woman that I love very much, we have 4 children, and we are all members of the LDS faith--although I've decided to take a break from the church. I mainly worry that this could spell the end of my marriage, that my wife ends up hating me, that my kids reject me, that hers and my family and friends shun me, that my employment could be lost (regardless that we have anti-discriminatory policies for TG individuals).
So, you know, I've basically got the worst case scenario in my head as what could happen and it scares me. That said, I don't really think that everyone will reject me and I think my wife and children will still love me (although the marriage may still be over). I do have faith in some of my friends as well that they will be able to still accept me for me. But even if they don't and I do end up rejected by those I love; essentially if I end up travelling the lonely road--I think the peace I will feel with myself and living as the person I feel inside will be worth that price. I certainly don't want to be rejected by all my loved ones and peers, but I will prepare myself emotionally for it and steel my resolve should they do.
It's strange too, a month ago I wasn't even close to this point. I was still living in denial, smothering my feelings and just living life by going through the motions. A big part of me didn't want to consider transitioning because I thought I could never really make a passable woman. I didn't think the results would be worth the price. Well, I ended up going on a work trip to California for a couple weeks and decided to take advantage of some TG makeover services a local business offered (Carla's in San Jose). I'd been wanting to do this for a while because I just wanted to see how I looked all made up. I'd dabbled in crossdressing before, but I generally saw a man in a dress when I did and it just depressed me. Well, long story short is that I was shocked by the results of the makeover. I'd never worn makeup before and the results were astonishing. But what surprised me even more, was how happy and at peace I felt presenting myself to others as a woman. I knew then that this is what I wanted, more than anything I've wanted before--the serenity I felt by just genuinely being myself.
When I returned from my trip I told my wife. It wasn't the first time as I've discussed this with her almost 6 years ago, but this time I told her I'm serious about considering transitioning. Obviously she didn't take it well. It's hard because we both love each other very much. She feels as if I'm abandoning her and the kids. But I'm not, I still want to very much be a part of hers and their lives. I'm just trying to achieve happiness with who I am as an individual. I can't be a very loving spouse or parent if I can't love who I am. I think she feels like I'm abandoning her because neither of us believe our marriage or relationship will survive this. I've heard stories of couples that have made it though, even Mormon couples. So that gives me hope. But I know the odds are against us. She isn't attracted to women, and is still very much living her life according to her LDS beliefs--and I won't try to persuade her from them, I know how important they are to her. It definitely hurts because we both seem to be on divergent roads now that the other will not follow.
Anyway, that brings me to where I am now. I've just started psychotherapy last week and it's already been a tremendous help with dealing with all the emotions I'm going through right now. I know I am committed to transitioning to life as a woman. It all feels very overwhelming and scares me to hell at times. Usually during those times I look back to some of the pictures I'd taken during my time dressing up in California. I see the happy woman smiling back at me know it will be worth it. I'm sure it's normal for everything ahead to feel overwhelming. Just the other day I was experiencing one of those times while out for a run. I had been preoccupied with all the things I have to do to prepare for transition, and all the potential consequences and reactions by others. I was afraid, but not undaunted. Perhaps it was meant to be that at that moment the song 'One Step At A Time' by Jordin Sparks began to play from my song list. It was a poignant moment for me and I cried because the song applied to everything I'd been feeling. It's been my mantra ever since.
