Hi everyone. I have been reading posts on the forum for a while and finally have decided to introduce myself.
Born female, I have always felt like I didn't belong in my own skin. The first 10 years of my life I dressed and behaved as a boy, hated being called a girl, adopted a unisex nickname while hating my own, introduced myself as a boy to kids in my neighborhood and so on. i was also always attracted to girls, but didn't quite understand what it all meant.
My family was never accepting and pushed me to behave "as a girl should" and at the age of 11yo I finally did. I have repressed everything..my entire being and became another person. This stage of my life lasted almost 30 years. I have lived my life as hetero woman, married a guy and had kids all while having periods of times when I questioned everything about myself...but I guess I drove myself into denial so well, that all the excuses I fed myself worked and kept me going like this...until a few years ago, when everything popped. That's when I realized I was attracted to women and that I always felt more like a guy than a woman (which explained a lot), but what confused me (still does), is that although many times in my life I envied men for their genitals and looks, when thinking about the possibility of transition, I didn't like the idea at all. There a part in me who still feels like a woman and that part resists any thought of physical change. I always felt like there was some kind of a conflict going inside me between my feeling as a man and my feeling as a woman, although the man in me was always much more dominant. Since my divorce, change of country my life has changed completely. I have met a woman who loves me as I am and married her, I have changed my look as much as possible to look as I feel (men's clothes, short hair) and I live as I really am. The problem is that every now and then thoughts like growing my hair, wearing more feminine clothes etc. creep into my mind. why is that a problem? because the man in me can't stand the idea of looking more feminine. I have never agreed to wear dresses and skirts, bras with underwire, never liked make-up..most of the time I'm a man in a female body...except for here and there when i get emotional and feel more feminine.
I don't know what that makes me...am I a non-op FTM, Genderqueer, Bigender or something else? I always fear that at some point I'd want to transition while my other side won't. Not sure how to live with this conflict, and where I belong. I would appreciate any thoughts you may have. Thanks.
Glad to be here!
