Going Stealth, Good or Bad?

[Sarah Louise]

I don't consider it to be stealth to live as who I am.

Are we supposed to wear a sign around our neck saying TS, I don't think so.

Sarah L.

[cindianna_jones]

I don't consider it to be stealth to live as who I am.

Are we supposed to wear a sign around our neck saying TS, I don't think so.

Sarah L.

Everyone needs to live their life as best as they can. I am grateful for those who have become activists.  It is a brave thing that they have done.

But there's no sign around my neck.. that's for sure.  I suffered too long for what I earned.

Cindi

[Melissa]

Lots of people (myself included) don't consciously decide to be stealthy, but end up doing it anyway.

If you pass reasonably well, people will assume you are your chosen gender.  With time and reducing dysphoria, you lose contact with many of the people you knew before and while transitioning, and gradually the stakes of being outted increase.  Before you know it, you're quite stealthy.

i concord with you, suze.  so this is the fifth ditto in reference to this post:

This was pretty much exactly what I was going to write.  A definite ditto here too.  I'm still working the same job I transitioned on and due to turnover, half of the people don't even know I'm TS.  When I moved into my apartments a couple months after going fulltime, I decided not to bring up my TS past since there was no reason to.  I go swimming at my apartments and use the women's locker room and there is absolutely no way I want people knowing I'm pre-op.  I have several friends whom I have that have no idea I'm TS.  I never had any reason to volunteer the information and now I feel like if I were to tell them, they would either see me as something other than a woman and feel I had been deceiving them the entire time they had known me.  That is definitely not an appealing thought.  It's not like I was doing anything special to try and pass either.  I went to esprit, a transgendered convention, a couple weeks ago and passed as female to many people.  I actually had to make an effort to be seen as transgendered.  How can we try and be part of the community, when the community kind of passes you up just because you look female.  I mean, I haven't had any surgeries or anything to try and pass better.  I'm doing the same thing everyone else is doing, yet for the most part, the world just sees me as a female.  I'm certainly not complaining, since that was my original goal.

I've even had a debate about TS's transitioning with somebody who didn't know I was TS.  In other words, just because I'm not out to everyone, doesn't mean I can't still help to further the community.  I'm not hiding, I'm just choosing not to advertise about my past.  I also don't think "being out and proud" is the only way to effectively help combat negative perceptions about the transgendered community.  If somebody were to ask me if I was TS, I would be honest.  In fact, I had that happen once with somebody and she accepted me anyways.  I'm just not going to advertise it.  That's like a kkk member wandering into the ghetto wearing their sheets.  It's just dangerous and likely to get you killed eventually.

Anyhow, to sum it up for me, stealth has not exactly been about making some conscious decision to go into hiding.  It's has merely been a result of circumstances and it would actually take more effort to not be stealth, so I am merely following the path of least resistance.

[Suze]

I actually had to make an effort to be seen as transgendered.  How can we try and be part of the community, when the community kind of passes you up just because you look female.  I mean, I haven't had any surgeries or anything to try and pass better.  I'm doing the same thing everyone else is doing, yet for the most part, the world just sees me as a female.  I'm certainly not complaining, since that was my original goal.

This is an excellent point.  Why do people transition anyway?  I transitioned to be seen as female, not to be seen as trans.  I guess there are people who transition to be seen as transsexual as well.

Not everyone wants to be a gender warrior.  Some have to be, because they have physical issues that means they can't pass.  Some choose to be, for their own political reasons.  It's wrong-headed to assume that just because your own politics lean to the gender-outlaw side, then everyone else should follow suit.

Yes, it's not good for the trans community that a significant portion of its population, and the part who are probably the most able to convince society at large that we're normal people, is effectively invisible.  But that's just how it is.

[mavieenrose]

Back when I started transition all I wanted to do was to pass successfully as a woman (and hopefully be reasonably attractive into the bargain!)  It wasn't a case of actively trying to hide something, but rather a case of trying to move towards some ideal of my true self that I'd carried in my head for a long time...

As the years passed I started to realise I was living in stealth, although it had never been a conscious decision on my part.  Quite simply I was passing, meeting new people who'd never known me before, loving life and just living... 

Living in stealth (apart from with family and childhood friends of course...) seemed to pose no particular problems, and in many ways definitely made my life far simpler than it otherwise might have been (especially in terms of friendships and jobs).  No awkward questions, no special treatment...

However, as the years have gone by my approach has changed a little and now when I find myself in a friendship that really means something to me, I find I absolutely have to talk about my trans history.  Of course this is still not something I do with all friends, just the really important, close ones.

By sharing these intimate details of my life, I feel reassured that my close friends understand me much better, and especially when I have slightly unusual reactions in certain situations.  For example, they then understand why I've got no kids even though I'd love to have them, why I'm often slow getting involved with men because of the nagging fear I'll be rejected for my trans past (yes, I know we don't need to tell them, but I just always feel I have to), etc... 

In my experience, the fact of sharing this part of me with certain people has further reinforced already strong relationships.  Thus far, I've never lost a friend I told, and have always been lucky to discover just how good a friend I really had! 

I suppose, what I'm trying to say is that basically when I was growing up it was hell being in that lonely, personal prison, unable to show myself for who I really was, and I just can't accept the idea of locking myself away again from the people I love and leaving this planet just as lonely as when I arrived.

MVER XXX