Hate my reflection

[Penelope Pitstop]

HI Everyone,

I transitioned mtf about twenty years ago and thought I had gotten over my self-image problems that I struggled with at first. The past ten years I have been fairly happy and apart from the odd mis-gendering which gets me down for a few days, I usually bounce back.

However, a few weeks ago I was referred to as 'he' from someone, and although they corrected themselves I have slid into what I feel s like a deep depression. Since this has happened I have become obsessed with how I look and generally hate what I see. When I look at photos and the mirror I hate what I see staring back, as all I see is a male face looking back at me and I can't seem to shake off this feeling.

I will never be able to afford FFS and feel like I am stuck with this androgynous look which is not what I want. I want to look like a woman.

My partner and all my friends say I look great and that I pass as female, some saying that they didn't know I was trans till I told them, but I can't see It, and they're my friends so I feel that they are being nice to me so wouldn't say anything that would hurt me.
Does anyone else ever feel like this? I'm getting so low I can't see myself getting out of this rut and feeling happy again.

[Keira]

Hello Penelope!

Welcome to Susan's Place

A mod should be around soon to post the rules and other additional useful information.

I understand how you feel, I'm no stranger to self image or self esteem problems. I'm sure you'll find a bunch of people to help you here, and they probably have been through what you're going through.

Your depression is probably more related to self image issues and self esteem. It may not even be related to being Transsexual, as everyone has self image problems of some sort. Assuming you pass to the general public well, it probably isn't trans related; aka. We are our own worst critics (especially when it comes to self image). If its related to passing, it's probably a trans issue.

I am not a qualified mental health practitioner so take what I have to say with a grain of salt.

Take care,
-Skye

[Ltl89]

Don't let one person bother you.  People make mistakes.   I know cis boys who have been mistaken for girls and cis girls who have been mistaken for men.  It happens sometimes and it doesn't say anything about you.  Everyone in your life is telling you that you pass and I'm sure they are telling you the truth.  Besides, how may times has this happened since you've gone full time?  If this is the only incident in recent history, I wouldn't worry too much.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi Penelope,

Welcome to our little family. Over 114700 . That would be one heck of a family reunion.

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But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

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Janet  )O(

[Penelope Pitstop]

Thanks for the lovely warm and kind welcome/

I think although I have suffered for depression for a lot of my life I feel this is definitely down to trans issues (I'm diagnosed with bipolar 11 but not convinced of this diagnoses).

I thought by now I would of built up some resilience, but this last mis-gendering has really knocked me for six. I think I still have some internalised transphobia and when i'm down I feel shame with my transness, and feel that I look like a very ugly feminine man or at best and ugly masculine looking women.

I'm sure low self esteem is one of the things you get if you're trans but it would be nice to not hit such a low when things like this happen as i'm sure i'll get mis-gendered in the future. I wish I didn't put so much emphasis on how people see me and learn how to love myself as I am.

[Keira]

The first psychiatrist I went to wanted to diagnose me with social phobia O.o

And then they said that, "It has nothing to do with you being trans".

And then I fired her.

I don't mean to sound like I don't like what she was saying, or that all Psychiatrists don't know what they are talking about; it's just that if they aren't experienced with trans related issues, they might as well be wearing ear plugs since nothing you can say will sway their misconceptions. Or, alternatively you can try to educate them with some scholarly articles.

As far as depression...most of the problem with depression is thinking in black and white (eg. I will always, I will never, I absolutely hate, every day of my life sucks). If you can catch these sort of thoughts and analyze them, usually they aren't as strict and absolute as when you first thought them.

Another trick is when you start thinking "If x happens/doesn't happen it would be horrible", then you ask yourself "how bad would it be between 1 and 10 if X did happen?". And then ask "what is the probability that X will occur? The scale again being between 1 and 10"

And if you can't get past it that way...continue thinking "what if?", but make sure you think past the bad parts and towards "what I could do".

When you get enough posts you can PM me.

-Skye

[Ltl89]

I know what it's like to have depression due to being transgender.   Our situations are different, but I can still relate. I'm currently starting my transition and soon will start hormones, but I always fear I won't be accepted as a women by others or pass.  However, everyone who knows about me has told me I have great potential and that I really won't have any problems. Still, I can't help but fear and can't see it all myself.  It sounds like you are the same as me.  It's not that what is in the reflection is necessarily bad, but we turn it into something that is terrible with our minds. It's likely that things aren't anywhere near as bad as you feel.   Everyone around you has told you that you passed and it's only one person who made a mistake about your gender.  You shouldn't let that effect you.  The best suggestion I have is to try to not allow negativity and fear get to you.   Remain confident and positive and you will have the self esteem to take on anything.