Afraid, Confused, and Ignorant :(

[RomulusBC]

I'm Athy, I'm an 18 year old girl and I want to become a man. I do not know exactly when I started acting like a guy, but I've been like this a long time. I also don't know what sparked it, but recently, I had an "epiphany" basically. I was sitting in my room at midnight on May 28th, 2013 and I started looking up "Female to Male sex change" on Google. I got chills as I scrolled through before and after pictures. I always used to joke with my friends that I'd look better as a guy than I do a girl. My boobs are too big, I hate being a girl. I've always wanted to be a guy. I'm so attracted to girls and the ones I'm usually attracted to aren't gay. I feel like if I was a guy, I'd be able to be with some of these people that I fall for and that's what sparked my journey you could say. But I'm horrified.

   I hate to admit it, but I've always feared transgenders. It's one of the things I've always hated about myself. I hate that I feared them for so long. I still do somewhat, because I'm ignorant. I do not know ANYTHING at all about transgenders or sex changes or what they have been through. I'm completely ignorant of the subject. But my fear these past few days has gone so much and that's a step, because I now know what they are feeling. It's a feeling that's so unexplainable and uncomprehendable. It scares the living hell out of you.

   I have told three of my friends about these feelings... somewhat. I have not told them about me wanting to become a man to say the least. I have told them that I am confused and don't know how to tell them what I am feeling. They know nothing. I am so afraid of losing a friend. I have the best friends in the entire world but this subject is taboo and I know it has a lot of negative prejudice. What scares me the most, is that I can't even accept it. How will they? I have been suicidal and depressed since I lost my Father to suicide three years ago, and I know I will become like that again if I can not accept what I want to be. I will always be depressed and suicidal again if my friends can't accept my decisions. Especially my family. I never even admitted to my family I was gay but they know. My Mom read my diary three years ago when I started hurting myself because of my depression. I just never answered her when she asked if I was gay.

   This is the most painful thing I have ever gone through, I feel. I cry every time I think of telling my family and friends about it. I do not know what to do at all. I am completely and utterly lost.

[KayCeeDee]

Welcome to Susan's! You will find help and support here. Come into chat tomorrow during the day, we have FTM that hang out there that you can talk to.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi Athy,

Welcome to our little family. Over 11419 . That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

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Janet  )O(

[ChrisRokk]

Hey, Athy!  Not that I understand your personal experience 100% or anything, but I can empathize with what I guess you might call "internalized transphobia"?  I don't want to stick words in your mouth, though.  I would not be shocked if many other FTMs on this site also experienced such feelings.  Unfortunately that horrible feeling might be common.  I just wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone.

[GendrKweer]

I'm pretty sure most of us if not hated then felt uncomfortable around transgendered people before our transitions/acceptance simply because we were afraid that was/would be us. And that's scary sometimes. Nothing to feel bad about, so long as you never externalized that onto someone else.

As for the rest, welcome. There are all kinds of us on here... but most of us have another thing in common... we all regret not starting sooner. You are very young, which is awesome for transition, if that is what you end up doing. I'd say get a good gender therapist (there are some online too if you don't have one in your area), figure out your head, and start down your road today, not tomorrow. Whatever that may be.... good luck!

[Cindy]

Hi Athy,

We are all products of our environment and there is no shame in that. It takes awhile for us to accept ourselves and sometimes we deny ourselves for many years.

Our life horror can be terrible.

But you need to think through stuff and as GenderKweer said, talking to a therapist is the way to start. They do help.

But welcome and don't be shy join on in!!

Cindy

[Jamie D]

Athy, a warm welcome to you.

Many of our members started their own journey with that same sort of epiphany.  You are not alone.

Personally, I sort of fought against the idea that I was trans, but in time, it is hard to deny the dysphoria.  And as I look back, I can recognize behaviors over the course of decades that were really coping mechanisms.

This is a place where you can study and learn, share your ideas and feelings, and not fear being ridiculed - because we understand what you are going through.  I am glad you found us.

[RomulusBC]

Thank you all! It means so much to know I am not alone in any of this even if I don't know any of you personally. I am glad to have overcome that prejudice so fast too. I am the most accepting person I know when it comes to a lot of things for I am Buddhist and I know it's a pun but I hate to hate! I want to say that I mentioned my feelings about becoming a man to three of my friends today and they all accepted it. One was even joking about what I should change my name to! It's insane how many good friends I have and it makes me feel so much comfortable expressing myself.

[ChrisRokk]

That's great that your friends are accepting!  Congrats!