Is it selfish to not tell?

[sarahb]

Let me start this off with a little back story to help you understand the situation. Firstly, I started transition about 1 1/2 years ago and in the first 6 months I had started HRT, was doing therapy, electrolysis, and came out to my family. I ended up trying to repress it again in June of '06 due to various stresses in my life, as well as some members of my family (my mom mostly) constantly giving mixed signals about their support. I ended up telling my family that I wasn't going through with it and thought that was that. Well, back in December I realized (once again) that I could not suppress it and I started everything back up again...HRT, laser, therapy, etc.

The one thing I changed this time was that I didn't tell my family of my intentions for fear that I'll have to bear the constant guilt again. So I've been going through with everything happily for the past 6 months or so and then all of a sudden my parents sit me down and ask me, "Where are you in your life?" My first response was that they should have waited for me to come to them about this. I was unprepared and caught off guard. I tried telling them that I need to take this at my own pace and I would have come to them when I felt ready to. That's when my mom said, "That's selfish of you. We're your parents and have the right to know." My dad then stated his opinion about how he had this picture in his mind about how my life would go. Grow up a normal boy into a man and get married, have children, bla bla bla. This really hurt me. I feel like I am just their "trophy son" and that if I don't follow the path they pictured for me that I will have let the family down.

My question is this. Is it selfish of me to want to wait to tell them until I am ready? Am I obligated to keep them up to date on my intentions even though I would not feel comfortable doing so yet? I am now in the same precarious situation I was in last year with a ton of guilt bearing down on me. I am, however, not going to let it get to me this time. I am not going to live a lie anymore and have prepared myself for the potential loss of family. I just want to know that I am not wrong for doing what I feel is best for me.

Sarah

[Keira]

I think the only selfish one is your parents.
My mother was the same, it was all about her,
how I was impacting her life, etc.
But, I soon tired of that, I needed support
and that's what I expected from them, not a big guilt trip about how I messed their lives.
So, I bluntly told my mother to focus on me, that considering what I was living,
I think I was more important than if a neighboor would give her grief over me once a year!!

The kid should be the parent's focus, not themselves.

An example of refocusing:
Your dad talks about him wanting grandkid, what about you wanting kids,
what about your feelings about that, that's what they should focus on.

[Sarah Louise]

There are as many different answers to that question as there are members here.

If your over 18, I don't think your obligated to tell them.  In some ways it depend on how close you are to your family.

I did a lot of things for my parents that I wish I had not done.  It is your life and you should live it as you need to, not as they want it.  Yes, your parents have dreams of what they want for their kids, but in the end, it is your life.

Of course, I am writing from the perspective of a person who did not have a close family relationship.  And my family knew from early childhood about my problem.

Sarah L.

[saraswatidevi]

Hi Sarah,

Mine is just one more voice telling you that there is nothing selfish about living your own life. And revealing details of that life at your own pace. Not anyone else's.

I would like to suggest that you practice (while you are alone) saying things in preparation for the next time. Things like "I am not comfortable talking about that right now." or "I will tell you that details of that as soon as I am ready." or "I will discuss that with you as soon as I am sure myself." And then when they ask intrusive questions you keep repeating the phrases you practiced over and over. Don't allow yourself to be bullied.

[Elizabeth]

Sarah,

Selfish is a word people use when they are saying that you are doing what you want to do, instead of what they want you to do. And is always a selfish act in and of itself. My personal feeling is that you would not be keeping it a secret had they not forced you into this position. You are keeping it a secret as a means of self defense. Had they been loving, open and supportive, you would not be keeping it a secret.

I don't believe they have a right to know. Even if they are supporting you, not saying they are. You have a right to be the person you want to be. If that means you have to keep it secret, that is just how it is. I am sure you would have preferred the other way and I offer as support, you already told them once. Instead of support they made you feel guilty like you owed them a son. You tried to comply, and it's impossible, as we all know.

No Sarah, you are not being selfish to look out for your own interests.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[mavieenrose]

My question is this. Is it selfish of me to want to wait to tell them until I am ready? Am I obligated to keep them up to date on my intentions even though I would not feel comfortable doing so yet? I am now in the same precarious situation I was in last year with a ton of guilt bearing down on me. I am, however, not going to let it get to me this time. I am not going to live a lie anymore and have prepared myself for the potential loss of family. I just want to know that I am not wrong for doing what I feel is best for me.

Sarah

Hi Sarah,

I have to agree with everyone who's posted so far, in my opinion no you're not being at all selfish in wanting to wait until the time is right for you.

In the end of the day you're the child and they're your parents, you don't have to explain yourself, it's up to them to respect your wishes and your life and to love you no matter what.  In my opinion that's part of what being a parent is all about.

When I was 13 over a period of a few months I wrote half a dozen letters to my mum describing how I felt inside that I was really a girl and each time she came to talk to me about it afterwards I just broke down and said it wasn't really true.  Well of course it was all true, but I just felt an overwhelming responsibility to protect my parents from the truth of who I really was; it was as if I had become the parent and my mum the child.

Of course a few years later my being trans just became unbearable and I realised I had to sort my life out or just end it all.  I cut the ties with my family for a few months so that I didn't have to face feeling guilty or responsible for my parents and this allowed me to focus on what I wanted. 

If I hadn't done this then I'm not at all sure I'd be where I am today and my parents would probably have never got the chance to really get to know and love their daughter.

MVER XXX

[sarahb]

Thank you all for your replies. I'm glad I'm not in the wrong here.

I cut the ties with my family for a few months so that I didn't have to face feeling guilty or responsible for my parents and this allowed me to focus on what I wanted.

I am hoping I won't have to do this, but I will if they don't stop placing this guilt on me. I'm at a point where I am starting to feel really comfortable with myself and I don't need anymore guilt or shame or other people's burdens and expectations placed on me.

[aaron]

I dont think it's selfish, you were brave to come out the first time but if that made your life stressful i would let it go on it's own before i say anything else. if ever questioned, i'd try and explain myself then.

[Ms.Behavin]

It sounds like it's your parents that want to be selfish, wanting you to be someone you'll never really be.  Life is too short not to be how you think you should be, what ever that is.  Good luck with a hard situation.

Hugs

Beni

[Cindi Jones]

It doesn't matter when you tell them, in their minds you will always be selfish.  So you might as well get it over with. The sooner you tell them, the sooner you can all get on with your lives.

Some members of my family still resents my transition and I will always be selfish in their eyes.  "There were people who loved you." is what I still hear after twenty years.  I suppose, that for their love, I should have bridled my feelings and stuck it out as a guy.  I don't suppose that they can ever love me as I am.  It's a weird definition of love they have I'd say.

Cindi

[Christine Eryn]

It's only selfish of them, if you don't live for yourself. Belive me, I went throught the same thing.

[sarahb]

Well, I've decided to just take it day by day. I'm tired of stressing over other people's issues. I'm going to live for myself and not for others. I agree with all of you that they are being selfish, if only out of love, but in the end I need to do what's best for me.

Sarah

[Rachael]

i didnt tell a lot of old school aquantances, nor do i intend to...
and some others. why bother? i purposefully avoided makeing friends at uni this year in my degree so i can just blend in this term...