An Observation from the outside looking in.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

I have a friend overseas who knows about this forum and is an occasional lurker here. She sent me this as a kind of observers contribution:

"Some thoughts from an occasional visitor, who while not completely conventional herself, does not entirely share your background, and so can't completely understand what you go through - but is never the less sympathetic and wants to help.

I read a lot of post about coming out, the drafting of letters, emails etc. The careful planning of meetings, the apprehension, sometimes the joy and relief, but all too often the disappointment.

One thing strikes me that you need to know and appreciate. How you word it, what you say, is of course important to you. Obviously you want to express your inner truth and turmoil. However as they say "it takes two to tango". Sometimes it just doesn't matter how you say it, or what you say, the person listening is just primed to either support and care for you, or they aren't, and no amount of polishing the words and picking the perfect moment will make that much difference.

Often it is more important to just SAY IT - than to wait until you have the perfect words, and the best moment. My partner of the last 25 years is Trans. She is now dying in a care home. For years we supported each other in the knowledge that we had plenty of time. Sometimes this meant that things went unsaid. Now however, every day, I try to make sure that I tell her the things that I need to say to her before we part, because one day soon, that parting will turn out to be our last. I can't predict when that will happen, but I try to make sure that when it does I do not end up with regret for the unspoken truth.

So my advice is - if you are trans stop allowing fear or some sort of false guilt preventing you from coming out.

Stop hiding behind finding the right moment, or the right words. Life is too short. If you want to be yourself, then be proud of that, and do it, but realize that you cant control other people's thoughts and reactions. If they are going to understand then sooner or later they will, and they are not, then nothing anyone can do will change that. Don't let their lack of comprehension spoil your life. It is yours to live, and not theirs.

Oh and one last thing. Please understand that while I'm sure being trans is not fun, it isn't the case that girls are always happy, and that life in the correct gender is all about fairy farts, puppy dogs, perfume and sweets.

Life is hard, bloody, and miserable for a lot of people a lot of the time, and while being trans doesn't make it easy, please don't imagine that the pain will stop when you are not trans. IF you transition, things will be different. You will solve one set of problems, but they will instantly be replaced by another set which will be no easier to deal with, just different.

What I am trying to say is, please do this with your eyes open. Do it because it is YOUR truth, and not because you imagine that life will be better. Do because it is who you are, rather than because you imagine that it will make you happy. Do it for yourself and not for the approval or disapproval of others. It is your life and your truth to live."

[Devlyn]

Pretty sure I know who wrote that. Very well stated, and thanks for showing us the value of turning a negative into a positive, even in the face of personal grief. Hugs, Devlyn

[Renee]

Thanks for posting that. She is quite right too.

[BunnyBee]

There is lotsa truth in her words.  People get so worried about having all the words and making sure each one is just perfect, but honestly coming out can be, maybe should be, one sentence- then you have a conversation that goes back and forth.  It is so much easier to figure out that one sentence and then just go for it.

It's also true that whether a person is supportive or not usually has almost nothing to do with the words you use, and only rarely is affected by when you choose to tell them.  I wouldn't recommend telling somebody that is already upset for instance, but other than that, the most harm is done by waiting.

[Ltl89]

I agree with this too an extent.  It's true that sometimes our words will not really matter and getting it out is important.  However, the individual coming out needs to be prepared and sometimes getting it out prematurely can be bad.  It's not good to wait for the "right" moment, but it's also ill advised to do it when you aren't ready.  Writing out what they want to say may help them feel prepared.  Also, the person reading the letter may very well take the words into account.  I know my mom focused on the words that I wrote to her.  She picked it apart and looked for "flaws" but she did pay attention to the content.  Having said all that, it's true there is never a perfect moment and the words will never be just right.  One shouldn't purposely hold themselves back forever for that right day because it may never come.

[Renee]

Personally, I think its best to come out to people who are close to you in person and with your own words. It shows them more respect and lets them know that you are committed to it enough to tell them to their face. It also lets you react to their reaction and possibly reassure them right then instead of letting stuff stew in their mind before they can get any more info if they even want any more info. I found that most didn't really want to know much more than I what I initially told them.

[Beth Andrea]

There is sometimes an issue of timing, which may affect a coming out. For example, if your boss is considering who to lay off work and s/he will announce it next Thursday...you may want to delay it. But to work out even the smallest detail, the tiniest nuance of expression, in order to have a "perfect" coming out, is (imho) a waste of time. There is a point of diminishing returns.

But hey, it's your life, it's not necessarily what I would do...but your life, your choice.

[JoanneB]

As one who most times tended to wait for the best time, place, set of circumstances, series of life events, etc. for any important conversation with my wife, I whole heartily agree with your friend. So will my wife who has often told me "Just spit it out".  Somehow it seems that no matter how much you plan or wait for the right time, rehearse over and over again in your mind and endless rewrites, it never comes out just right and there is always a thousand and one followup questions. Or, often in my case TMI

As one who is often way too paralyzed by reality I also have to second what was said about "trading one set of problems for another". Transitioning is fraught with issues and problems you'll need to face. You must be realistic about them and your ability to address them.  Yet, it all breaks down to what will make you happy? Or, in way too many cases What will keep me alive?

[StellaB]

Wise words indeed and well worth a moment or two of reflection.

I badly timed the start of my transition and didn't plan it well, my life fell apart as a result. Not that it mattered because I've survived, learned and grown as a result. I have no regrets.

I feel that one of the biggest mistakes you can ever make in life is to live on the assumption that you're going to be around forever. To pass up on opportunities. Put things off. To wait. Wait for what?

It's important to remember that death can happen at any time. Life is short. Life is also rather fragile. People can and do die prematurely.

What's more some opportunities never come back a second time around.

My life is full of misunderstandings, failures, mistakes, things falling apart. But my life is based on the days which were the most significant and successful. I can think of a week of such days. It's important never to give up, and never to give up trying.

I think the saddest thing you can ever experience is to be lying there knowing you're about to die, and remembering years of missed opportunities to realize that you never lived.

[Cindy]

She is wise and wonderful person and I love her and her partner deeply.

My own wife was destroyed tripping on a piece of carpet. Our marriage changed in a second.

We never ever know when the time comes that we can never hold our loved one, never be able to live with them and never tell them how much we love them.

I agree with her.

Just tell people. It isn't that hard.

" Hi I have to tell you that I'm trans* and I'm trying to deal with it. Can you see it in your heart to love me still? because I love you."

There are only two answers, Yes or No.

Hugs to all of my sisters and brothers.

Cindy

[BunnyBee]

Ultimately, you have to do it your way, in the way that gives you the best chance of just doing it.

[ashley_thomas]

" Hi I have to tell you that I'm trans* and I'm trying to deal with it. Can you see it in your heart to love me still? because I love you."

That's amazing, and may be exactly how I say it to my family when that time comes...