Emotional difficulty?

[Tristan]

My first attempt to transition ended with me narrowly avoiding being committed for being trans and facing ECT and the like to "cure" me of being trans. The terror of that remains with me today, 20 years later. I don't see any way I could be happy for going through a treatment that the mere thought of which horrifies me.

ECT is different now. Your asleep when they do it. No pain, I don't think it hurt me at all and I am more happy.
Agent J I'm sorry. But like I said maybe a new therapist or life coach or someone could help you with your situation now. Someone must be able to help you in this difficult time

[Vicky]

I am a few days short of 5 months post op and am now just getting back to full life speed.  I do not regret what I did, but it clearly was not what I envisioned that life would be like.  The actual pain, followed by lingering discomfort until about a month ago did put me in a situation where I was not functioning my clearest or even close to pre-op. 

Surgery DOES NOT make life perfect, or even change it much, and I agree that it is highly overrated both by others in the TG social order and by our caregivers who are not themselves TG or PO.  I never thought I would feel this way, but am honest enough to say that I do now.  It is a new dose of reality.

One place where I seem to be lucky is that I did not have a seriously complicated surgery compared to others.  Other than a minor yeast infection, my healing went (and goes) smoothly and reportedly on time <that seemed to drag forever>. I have a gynecologist who has training is treating post op patients who sees my surgery results as highly satisfactory and realistic so I am ready to accept her evaluation on that much. Coming to the point I am at, I am now regaining my ability to more highly function, and it is getting back to where it was pre-op.  Note that I said getting back to where it was.

I now know that surgery is not the Holy Grail it had been, it is a new reality for my life, and one I can and will live with.  I admit that one stress is now gone, the stress and push to do it, from both myself and my environment.  Now I just have 10 months of house cleaning to catch up on, along with the added chore of dilation and sanitation, but I did what I did, and will not go back and rethink the issue.  I can live as I now am.

[Tristan]

I always thought that two of the biggest reasons for srs was to be able to blend in and second to be able to lay with a man?

[Renee]

I always thought that two of the biggest reasons for srs was to be able to blend in and second to be able to lay with a man?

I think that the only reason someone should go through it is to feel complete and good about their body.

[Tristan]

It just seems like some people are having a hard time with the surgery and are emotional.  Is the therapy not preparing them for the changes? Idk ECT and reconditioning therapy just seems like it would help give some people a new start so they won't be stuck with so much pain and bad memories

[Renee]

Tristan, when someone is pressured or "convinced" something is right for them and its something they wouldn't do if left to their own devices, then trying to "reprogram" them to accept it is kind of messed up in my opinion. Therapists should not be telling someone they should go all the way if the person isn't completely wanting it for themselves, it can lead to some major issues for them later when things really sink in.  The whole thing about transition and any related surgery is that it has to be solely the decision of the person going through it and something they want and not talked into or 'reprogrammed" to accept. Its just not right.

[Tristan]

Tristan, when someone is pressured or "convinced" something is right for them and its something they wouldn't do if left to their own devices, then trying to "reprogram" them to accept it is kind of messed up in my opinion. Therapists should not be telling someone they should go all the way if the person isn't completely wanting it for themselves, it can lead to some major issues for them later when things really sink in.  The whole thing about transition and any related surgery is that it has to be solely the decision of the person going through it and something they want and not talked into or 'reprogrammed" to accept. Its just not right.

But I mean doesn't it help? They say we aren't able to make decisions for ourselves they try to fix whatever issues we have and take away bad memories, I'm sorry I'm just trying to understand why taking away bad memories and teaching us how to behave does not work? It just seems like it should work or maybe even has worked for others. The only real downside I saw was the long time needed inpatient which does royally suck

[Anatta]

I always thought that two of the biggest reasons for srs was to be able to blend in and second to be able to lay with a man?

Kia Ora Tristan,

For some, having sexual relations is an important part of their reasoning, however having bottom surgery will perhaps help one to  'blend in' if they have to go naked in front of others, but for the most part blending in seems to remain a 'on the street thing' where other see you with your clothes 'on'...

Metta Zenda

[Donna Elvira]

But I mean doesn't it help? They say we aren't able to make decisions for ourselves they try to fix whatever issues we have and take away bad memories, I'm sorry I'm just trying to understand why taking away bad memories and teaching us how to behave does not work? It just seems like it should work or maybe even has worked for others. The only real downside I saw was the long time needed inpatient which does royally suck

Tristan,
I have already seen several of your posts on this theme on different threads ie. this idea that we "aren't able to make decisions for ourselves" and that we could benefit from some third parties "teaching us how to behave".

I gather you are a lot younger than a lot of us and that you had some specific issues which took you down the path you took and if you have come out the other side happier, I am truely delighted for you.

However, I personally find these ideas pretty abhorrent and never, never would I let anyone else decide what was good for me except if I was brain dead or something like that.

I will of course take advice, think about the options available etc., but at the end of the day, I am the only one who is going to decide what I do and when I do it and I would literally run a mile from anyone who tried too hard to push me down a path I didn't want to take.

For me this is particularly true for something so totally irreversible as GRS and I really don't know how anyone else could conceivably take responsability for actually pushing someone in this direction.  It sounds like a serious case of abuse of power and could indeed be considered as malpractice from a medical point of view.

Apart from that, getting back to the OP, Agent_J, it sounds like there might have been a lot of  pressure there too, maybe even excessive pressure,  and I can't help but think that this contributed to your present feelings. I must admit I am somewhat amazed that this stuff is still going on though and it confirms me in the idea that doing a DIY transition is by far the safest option from every point of view.

For you though, the only option that makes sense now is to look ahead and make the best of the hand you have been dealt. Right now, it may seem that you made a bad choice but hopefully, when you recover a bit more some of your present negative feelings will quickly disappear.  Even if on balance you finally end out thinking you made a mistake, what's done is done and who hasn't made a mistake in their lives. I have made tons of them , some pretty huge ones as it happens, thus explaining my adoption of the  motto "that which does not kill us makes us stronger"  .  The fact is, as the years go by I see just how true that is and have no doubt at all that it is the difficulties that life throws at us that help us most to push back our own limits. I don't think I have ever been in a better place in my life than I am now.

It might be a bit early for you to take that on board right now but I am sure you will, all the easier if you give yourself the right to express all the feelings you are going though, a very necessary part of the recovery from what is a gruelling experience both physically and mentally. Like Vicky says, just physically it takes months to recover  and this natural fatigue forcibly has an impact on all of your perceptions right now.

So give yourself time from every point of view and when you are feeling good again physically you will hopefully be pleasantly surprised by how good everything else feels too.
Warmest  regards and bon courage!
Donna

[Tristan]

I'm sorry. I guess it doesn't work for everyone. I was just trying to help

[Agent_J]

For my part, having someone "fix my head" is abhorrent, full stop. It's not something I can do, and I doubt it will be particularly successful if I go into it with such exceptionally strong reservations. In my view, ECT, etc., to try to "fix" me to fit a cisnormative standard is abuse and torture, no different than what was threatened against me 20 years ago. The reality is that I am a certain person and destroying that isn't good.

[calico]

I always thought that two of the biggest reasons for srs was to be able to blend in and second to be able to lay with a man?

Not necessarily, I'll share my reason, I couldn't emotionally take having that thing on my body, seeing myself with it or even doing day to day actions (like peeing) put me in emotional distress, it got to the point that if it wasn't gone, I was going to be. It was really bad, I didn't have relationships, the one I did have probably ended because of my being so uncomfortable with my self. It made me mentally unstable. Now to say everything is peachy now that I have had surgery wouldn't be the truth because I am still dealing with past memories and wants that are impossible. I will say this if some magician was to appear or a genie and say I can restart you life and make you right from the beginning, I would prob jump on it instantly, I may have had some good memories but it wouldn't matter at that point. but now you say a doctor came and said I can make the bad memories go-away, and re-program you and make you happy, I would say no, and this is why having the chance to erase memories is not the same as restarting your life, I would have more issues with the holes in my memory than actually having the bad memories in my head. this is just my opinion and also why I got surgery.
now I'm just tiding up the small things and slowly trying to get control on my emotions and not be dependent on the drugs I am on.

[Tristan]

For my part, having someone "fix my head" is abhorrent, full stop. It's not something I can do, and I doubt it will be particularly successful if I go into it with such exceptionally strong reservations. In my view, ECT, etc., to try to "fix" me to fit a cisnormative standard is abuse and torture, no different than what was threatened against me 20 years ago. The reality is that I am a certain person and destroying that isn't good.

Yeah I guess your right. Unless its mandated by a court or by a facility I guess it could be bad

[Agent_J]

I always thought that two of the biggest reasons for srs was to be able to blend in and second to be able to lay with a man?

That way of thinking about, extended to transition as a whole by way of considering SRS a mandatory step in transition, is quite possibly the motivation of my providers. They held disagreement with me being lesbian, and had exceptionally strong objections with me having complete success "blending in" in my life without surgery (their statement that my first year of RLE was "too successful and smooth.")

[Tristan]

Sent j I'm sorry. I have obviously mis understood your whole situation and I apologize . It was not my place to adjust such treatment options

[Joanna Dark]

Sent j I'm sorry. I have obviously mis understood your whole situation and I apologize . It was not my place to adjust such treatment options

Tristan you were only trying to help and sharing your experiences and how they have helped you. There is no need to feel bad so please don't. Your experience is just as valid as anybody else's. Different strokes for different folks and all that. I for one enjoy hearing your story.

[Tristan]

Tristan you were only trying to help and sharing your experiences and how they have helped you. There is no need to feel bad so please don't. Your experience is just as valid as anybody else's. Different strokes for different folks and all that. I for one enjoy hearing your story.

I suppose your right. I just feel bad that I may have over stepped. The boundaries and made a suggestion that's not proper. I wish I could be of more service with helping her overcome this problem

[Heather]

I suppose your right. I just feel bad that I may have over stepped. The boundaries and made a suggestion that's not proper. I wish I could be of more service with helping her overcome this problem

Tristan don't feel bad no matter what you say only she can overcome this problem. Don't beat yourself up. Ultimately she made the decision to have the surgery whether she coerced or not it was her decision and she must live with it. Nothing you can say or do will help her accept this. Acceptance is something we all must find on our own unfortunately.

[calico]

Agent J the way it almost sounds to me is you need a change of scenery, maybe someplace with better therapists and doctors   

[Agent_J]

I have tried to move in the past, but that runs head-first into a relationship issue. Basically, my wife will not move and strongly opposes me moving without her.

And, yes, ultimately it was my decision, even if coerced (I appreciate the recognition that it was coercion: many wish to argue that coercion is impossible) and that's the hardest part of my regret: I knew what made me truly happy, but, due to the HRT changes, that happy existence (being non-op) was permanently taken away from me. I made the choice I thought best from the options that remained available and in conditions that made clear thinking difficult (depression and regular HRT changes.) However, it's now clear I was wrong and I feel very strongly that my body is disfigured. Further, it has caused suicide ideation, something I haven't experienced for nearly a year, to return, and that's with being on an anti-depressant medication that was effective before surgery.

I'm seeking therapy to help with this as it's clear I cannot get through it on my own. I hope it's possible for me to be okay, but even establishing a basic level of trust with a therapist is going to take a long time (the biggest loss to those past experiences with therapists is that: the exceptional difficult trusting any therapists.)

One issue I know I will need to finally address is the medically sanctioned sexual assault I endured early in this transition attempt. My first endo required unnecessary and highly triggering genital examinations as a condition to receive HRT from her. Dilation triggers the issues relating to that.