I'm So Afraid.....

[girlnextdoor1985]

Hello everyone,
My name is Tiffany. I'm 28 years old. I live in Minnesota. For years I've been denying myself of who I really am. And I have no clue why. Everytime I come so close, I always back off and go back to "Matt". Any advice? Any experiences? I would really appericate some help please.

[Michelle S.]

I spent years doing this. I would get so close to finally coming out and then I'd just get really depressed because I thought I couldn't do it. I'd go as far as making appointments with therapists and cancelling days later... There were a few times I starting living as me at home, but my gf used to be somewhat emotionally abusive and when she'd get mad at me she would go on trans/homophobic rants and call me all sorts of names . This scared me back in the closet quite a few times.

After years of this I finally didn't cancel that appointment and my life has been incredible ever since! My only regret is that I let my fear keep me from transitioning 6 years ago!!!!

[girlnextdoor1985]

I'm glad someone understands. I am "gay". But I always have dated women. It always felt so wrong. And being in this body of a guy has always felt wrong. But between what my family did to me growing up and not sure what my friends will say, who in retrospect are my new family.

[Michelle S.]

I definitely think you should seek out a qualified therapist. He or she will be able to help you. If you're like me and many other trans-folk, this won't go away. It becomes more and more persistent. About your friends, I always thought no one would ever accept me. I always thought my family would disown me, people would think this & that, friends would abandon me and every other possible negative. None of that happened! In fact my relationships with almost everyone in my life has improved!!!

[girlnextdoor1985]

Thank you for the advice. And by the way, ironically you look like one of my "sister's" named Alysha. lol I'm sorry to say that. But yeah.

[V M]

Hi Tiffany 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here

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Hugs

V M

[Michelle S.]

Thank you for the advice. And by the way, ironically you look like one of my "sister's" named Alysha. lol I'm sorry to say that. But yeah.

You're very welcome! And psh, don't apologize... thank you!!! People tend to ignore me on this forum so to have someone finally comment on my picture is delightful Thank you! If you need any further help, I'm here for you!!

[Rachel85]

Hi Tiffany,
I'm the same age as you and I only figured it out this year. I was in complete denial for years and years, I would self medicate with alcohol and was completely miserable. I would get the courage up to even just investigate what I was feeling and I would just become so ashamed and delete all my info and web history "just in case" anyone was to rifle through my private computer and stumble upon anything.
Then one day something happened, I just stopped caring what other people might think if they found out what I was looking up and somehow didn't regress back to the old ways. I discovered that I am transgendered. I looked further. I spoke to people, I joined Susan's, I did my reading and went to a LGBTI experienced GP and I started seeing a psychologist. The rest is all history and looking back I have achieved so much this year already!
We area all afraid at times, I have no doubt of this. We all have good days and we all have bad days. Since I have stopped fruitlessly trying to ignore this side of me I have been happier than I can ever remember! This "side" of me it turns out is huge! A whole aspect of myself that I never knew was there or tried to burn and bury.
I agree with Michelle that it sounds like you would do well to speak with a health professional who has some history in the area and to go from there. Nothing will happen overnight and don't let anyone pressure you either way, looking at yourself and discovering this part of you is a great huge step alone!
Congratulations!
Susan's has really helped me and the community is supportive and great! I look forward to seeing you posting here in the future!

Cynths

[Cindy]

You're very welcome! And psh, don't apologize... thank you!!! People tend to ignore me on this forum so to have someone finally comment on my picture is delightful Thank you! If you need any further help, I'm here for you!!

Oh Michelle

I hope I haven't ignored you!

My apologies if I have, I try to say hello to everyone, and BTW you do look cute

Tiffany, Hi and welcome.

I knew I was female at an early age, had all the classic stuff and was a casebook case of a trans* woman. Sadly I was born in the 1950's. Gay had a different meaning and trans*gender, forget it.

I finally became myself a few years ago when I went FT and faced the truth. I'm a woman.

After a life of pain and horror I'm happy, I'm accepted, I'm powerful, I'm feminine and I'm me.

I have lost nothing except depression and living in a whisky bottle. Both of which I'm very happy to say good bye too!!

My advice if I may? Go and see a therapist. You are a young woman with her life ahead of you.

You and Michelle both do it. Don't give in, don't be frightened, don't lose the opportunity of having a life of fun, dreams, relationships and friends.

I know you both will say 'Ahh but I'm so old, 28, stuff won't work' I was 58 when I went FT. I'm a very happy woman and no one misgenders me.

You have everything in front of you. Go for it and be happy!!!!!

Cindy

[Devlyn]

Hi Tiffany, welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm a Bostonian. Suburbs, actually. See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn

[bethany]

Hi Tiffany, It's nice to meet you. I totally get your apprehension. I denied being myself for years and years. Two years ago now I got to the point where it was move forward or well I won't talk about the alternative.
Needless to say that since I came out and started HRT life has never been better!

Don't lock yourself in the closet, find a gender therapist and start living your life as the real you.