Being non-op unfortunately affects me negatively a great deal in a number of ways. Since I essentially consider myself 'post-transition' and find as much 'stealth' as possible ideal, my non-normative genitalia, with the one exception of facial hair (which I'm getting electro for), is the sole aspect remaining that overtly marks me as 'trans', and reminds me of my transsexual history.
Practically speaking, it poses several problems when it comes to official/legal matters. In my state (where I was born, and still reside), the policy on birth certificate markers is that they can be changed, but only with verification of genital surgery (IIRC, there's some ambiguity with respect to whether orchis alone might qualify). This is awkward as it results in me having a weird, Frankensteinian birth certificate with my full, unambiguously female legal name yet 'M' under sex.
So anything that absolutely requires a birth cert (having encountered anything like that, yet, thankfully) would result in me being outed. Luckily, for driver's licenses here you only need a doctor's statement indicating you've received medical treatment, as is the case for the Social Security Administration, so my ID marker is correct, but I just have to hope that the policy changes for birth cert gender markers and wait in limbo. This doesn't impact my daily life, but it's irksome, as a loose end I can't tie up, and there's the principle (I'm adamant that I was born neurologically female).
A much more pressing and frightening conundrum, though, is how it affects and limits my access to mental health services, as someone who is severely mentally ill. The policies of inpatient care facilities vary widely, but most operate on the same barbaric criterion as the prison system does and simply assign patients to gender-segregated sections/wards based on genitalia alone. That's my worst nightmare, and the issue is how this insidiously intersects with the way the law works around involuntary commitment. If a mental health professional believes that you're a serious danger to yourself or others (which, while it sounds reasonable, is still somewhat subjective), you can be placed on a mandatory 72-hour hold, but the main problem is that you have no legal right to control where you're sent for that time. You can't veto a facility because they'd place/room you with the opposite sex, even though that poses an obvious and acute danger to your personal safety.
I've been in inpatient thrice thus far, but fortunately, the nice little place I've stayed in at least assigns me to the female wing, though they insist on placing me in the only single room there. Sounds nice to not have a roommate, but it actually bothers me because it's still needless discrimination, and it's kind of stigmatizing and makes you stand out since it's the only such room, generally otherwise reserved for patients who are potentially violent and overly volatile, which I'm not. Also, if I ever had to shower there, I think that'd be an ordeal (they'd make me do it alone and escorted by an employee, which isn't good). What's terrifying, though, and always lurking in the back of my mind, is that there's no absolute guarantee that I'd always be sent there. Admissions (voluntary and otherwise) are through the attached crisis center where they do evaluations, and all it takes is for one petty or bigoted care worker who doesn't like me for whatever reason on a power trip and my fate would be up in the air. I've avoided going there even when I feel like I should because of this apprehension.
Back in December of last year, I was going through an extremely suicidal crisis, was absolutely at risk and should've been held in inpatient, but I didn't visit the center because it was very busy, understaffed and full (I think due to the spike in stress around the holiday season), so it seemed too risky. I ultimately ended up attempting suicide that month, self-harming a lot and going on a massive, hazardous drug binge, which probably could've been avoided had I felt safe checking myself in, so that's one very real, concrete example of my genital status affecting my daily life.
In the same vein, there's the jail/prison system, a matter of life or death. Being arrested and jailed with men is one of my worst fears in the entire world, and something I'm at increased risk for, especially given my personality disorder. All it takes is once for even the most minor offense and, to put it bluntly, I'm completely screwed. So I have to be ultra-cautious, I can't take legal risks other people might be inclined to take because arrest is game over, do not pass Go, and would be the end of me as I just couldn't bear that under any circumstances. It definitely raises the stakes.
I wish more people were aware of and discussed the fact that being non-op, or having non-standard genitalia in general, can often mean literally having your human rights violated. Especially as it pertains to the mental health system. I brought my concerns to the attention of the network that I was treated through, and hopefully got through to them, but I don't know if that will actually precipitate a policy shift, and there's nothing that can be done about the legal loophole.
Obviously, many other women who do intend to have vaginoplasty encounter these difficulties, but the difference is that they at least have a hope of escaping them after surgery, whereas, being resolutely non-op, I just have to pray that society at large gets its head on straight and that the people running these systems eventually set sane policies.
Otherwise, on a different note, it does greatly affect my sexuality by adding an extra layer of marginalization to an already hyper-marginalized identity. It's hard enough to be lesbian in this society, especially when feminine and exclusively attracted to other feminine women (as I am), and to be transsexual in the present climate, and being non-op on top of all that just takes it up a notch even further. There's a tremendous amount of awful, soul-crushing prejudice and utter revulsion towards women with these non-normative genitalia in the lesbian community, to the point where it's the default attitude, and there is a prevailing judgement across all demographics that trans women are legitimately female only insofar as they have or are pursuing genital surgery. My 'dating pool' would be microscopic. I've internalized heaps of shame around my sexual inclinations because I'm non-op, but that's an extremely complex topic in and of itself that I intend to post about separately later, so for now I'll leave it at that.
