I could use some advice

[Tak]

I'm in a unique situation (I know all of us are) right now. I'm going through a divorce, my daughter is staying with me, and I had to move in with my parents. Legally I'm not sure how much ground I have to stand on, but I do know that my wife isn't going to fight me for custody regardless of whether I'm out or not.

I came out to my mother on Valentine's Day when she caught me crying in the bedroom. She's being very supportive! I came out to my sister (who would have been a more logical choice to tell first, as we were always really close) a few days ago as well. I didn't want to do it over the phone, but I live in South Carolina and she lives in Ontario, and she had just told me something deeply personal and mom had told her I had something I needed to share with her too - so I had to or risk bigger problems.

The only people left are my dad and my daughter. My dad is the wild card, I know he'll love me no matter what, but I'm worried about his reaction. My sister and mom both say that I'm not giving him enough credit... but I'm afraid of him pulling away from me. They both say they'd rather tell him so he can react before talking to me, but I'm also afraid that he may take that as an insult (me not trusting him, or something along those lines).

My daughter is 6, turning 7 in April. I don't know why, but I feel this is probably the best time to tell her, too. On the other hand, she's going through a lot with the divorce... but at the same time she's a hundred times happier than she was when we were living with her mother... I'm worried she'll blame me for the downfall of our family when she's older, too.

I'm coming close to being able to do something to make me feel good about myself for the first time in a long, long time and I'm scared everything will come crashing down around me. It really could go either way even though things are looking positive right now.

I guess I just need some support and advice on how others might handle this... please help~!

[Sarah Louise]

The best advice I can offer is that you know your daughter and how her mind works.  You are the only one who can decide about telling her (the real problem is I am not sure what you need to tell her, you haven't really explained any of that to us).  Kids are not dumb, they can tell when something is being hidden.

If your mother knows and your sister knows, it is pretty sure your father will figure out something is up before too long.

Sorry I can't give you more help. 

Sarah L.

[Tak]

Sorry, I have a bad habit of leaving out huge amounts of detail in favor of others.
I'm MtF.

[HelenW]

Hi Tak!

Consider writing your dad a letter that he can read in his own time, making sure that the letter contains an invitation to talk about things as soon as he feels able.  This way you'll still be coming to him personally but there will be space for him to get over his initial reactions.  The WIKI and links sections of this site contain copies of letters used to come out to parents.  You can use those as templates for your own letter.

While I don't have any direct experience, most of what I've read is that younger children are much more accepting than older ones so I think your daughter will be fine with it as long as she isn't poisoned against you by members of your ex-in-laws.  If you put it in terms that she can relate to she should most likely be fine with it.

I hope this works out as well or better than you hope, Tak.

btw, Welcome to Susan's!

hugs & smiles
helen

[terribeth]

only you can know when the time is right,but waiting till latter can be a worse mistake, i sent my sister some photos of myself about two years ago, she is just now beginning to want a relationship with me again. but im glad that i told her. luv terribeth

[amberctm]

I told my children about a year and a half ago. My son, now six, treats me like he would otherwise as does my three year old daughter. Just as a reminder, Keep it simple. I just told them that athough a apear male on the outside, I feel like a girl on the inside and I would be changing a bit and looking more girly. I told them what my new name was and they ran around the house yelling Mischa at the top of their lungs!

My son does a good job around other children who ask question. For example if one of his friends says I look like a girl, he just says " accually he feels like one!"

My daughter who is 3 had a discussion with a girl at preschool who kept insisting that I was a Boy because my daughter calls me dad. My daughter just kept saying that I was a girl and thats it!

It's a tough thing, just be gentile and go  easy on the info, too much isn't a really good thing. Keep it to the basics.

Hope this helps!
-Mischa

PS let them call you what ever makes them feel confortable. Mine don't get pronouns and stuff yet, but it will come. Just be patient!

[Tak]

I need to post more. I don't have a lot of support outside of this and my own board, and I never post. Yeesh.

I told my dad awhile back, and he took it fine, though he won't come out and tell me, he doesn't believe it. My sister is trying to talk him through to believing it, however...

I haven't told my daughter, but she seems to know something is up. I'm waiting until after the divorce is final to tell her (that's 1 week off) because I don't want her running off to her mother and saying something about it. Her mother knows and is fine that I'm getting custody, but I'm worried about my daughter who is becoming oddly manipulative after being around her mother any length of time. 7 year olds, y'know... but she's smart (reading at a 5th grade level) and otherwise quite a nice child. Sure she has moments (any child that goes through divorce will -- even if she's in a much better place because of it) but I think it'll go fine. And... she kind of gets confused about me anyway. She calls me a girl once in awhile, like she's gauging my reaction, and said that she wants me to be her papa AND her mommy.

[Pysgod]

I need to post more. I don't have a lot of support outside of this and my own board, and I never post. Yeesh.

I told my dad awhile back, and he took it fine, though he won't come out and tell me, he doesn't believe it. My sister is trying to talk him through to believing it, however...

I haven't told my daughter, but she seems to know something is up. I'm waiting until after the divorce is final to tell her (that's 1 week off) because I don't want her running off to her mother and saying something about it. Her mother knows and is fine that I'm getting custody, but I'm worried about my daughter who is becoming oddly manipulative after being around her mother any length of time. 7 year olds, y'know... but she's smart (reading at a 5th grade level) and otherwise quite a nice child. Sure she has moments (any child that goes through divorce will -- even if she's in a much better place because of it) but I think it'll go fine. And... she kind of gets confused about me anyway. She calls me a girl once in awhile, like she's gauging my reaction, and said that she wants me to be her papa AND her mommy.

Single parenting is a tough position...But not an impossible one. You could try talking to her about the manipulative thing. But I think most likely she'll grow out of it. As for the girl thing. Well you are a woman. So try to get her realizing that. Maybe a bit tough. But not impossible.

[Tak]

Grow out of the manipulative thing?

I dunno. It's what kids do to find out how much they can get away with, and circumstances have allowed the behavior to continue past the normal age range. I'm a better parent than her bio-mom, but I'm far from perfect and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it, other than NOT budging from certain positions. I'm of the mind that kids should be able to get away with a LITTLE meaningless bad behavior. Manipulation doesn't really fit in there. >-<

[Renae.Lupini]

My daughter is six and she is one of my biggest supporters. Once they get into the "tween" years it starts getting a little harder for them sine they have their own issues to deal with.

The manipulative thing, it is standard procedure for kids. My daughter to it to me and her mom and her grandparents. She would do whatever it took to get someone to let her have her way. Since she now has a younger half-sister, she isn't nearly as bad. I don't know what it was that made her stop but she is much better about accepting no as an answer.

Sitting down and talking to her about her behavior and the repercussions of it might be a good idea as well. Kids understand a lot more than we give them credit for. I had a two-hour discussion with my daughter when she was four on why a boy broke her heart. I didn't expect that until at least 15. Talk to her and keep it positive.

[Tak]

I'm looking forward to telling my daughter, cause I know she'll be supportive. I don't want her knowing BEFORE the divorce just in case she takes it the wrong way and wants to run over to her mother's place and stay with her. That would be awful, and she seems to have forgotten just how awful. I'm a parent before I'm anything else, after all...

[Tay]

As the product of a divorce (though both parents are, to the best of my knowledge, cisgendered), I have to commend you on how well you seem to be handling this.

Considering the amount of stuff my sibs and I put up with and the types of things, I think your daughter will be okay with you coming out.  The only thing that ever really, really got to me and my sibs was when our parents would do the "Your mum is bad cause she said..."  "Your dad is bad cause he said" and we'd get really confused.  So long as you refrain from that, everything should be fine and kids can put up with anything, just about.

Try to treat this like something relatively normal, I think is my best advice.  It's when you make a huge big deal out of something that it sticks to a kid.  I mean, my mum lives with a guy who is married to his prior lady.  I have known this and been okay with it since I was your daughter's age.  It doesn't seem like a big deal to me.  In fact, I didn't realise it wasn't normal for that to happen until someone called my mum my daddy's wife and I said "No, his wife lives with his daughter far away" and they looked at me funny.  "Abnormalities" can be normalised easily by treating them as an every day thing.

Just my two cents.  I mean, I'm not a parent and I've never had a family member who was transgendered, but I thought I'd stick my overly large proboscis into this and give my perspective.

[Tak]

Well the even though she cheated on me because of my issues, the divorce is rather peaceful. I don't know how my ex will handle me coming out full time when I do, and that reaction may be quite negative. I don't really care, so long as she doesn't get any crazy ideas about getting custody. If we can remain civil (and I know I'm able to) there shouldn't be a problem.

We don't really bicker or use try to turn our daughter against one another, even though we do still fight (and I always instigate said fights, due to her poor parenting skills -- she still manages to ruin PROMISES to our daughter, which is not good considering... everything) it's never in front of her or anything. While I suspect she might be badmouthing me, I'm not going to harass my daughter about it or confront my ex over it. If she is, it'll bite her in the ass later -- not me. My daughter knows she can talk to me about anything, and if she's made to feel uncomfortable... she'll end up telling me on her own.

I hope I don't make any huge errors in emotional judgment, but parents are human too!

[Tay]

You sound like you have a well rounded approach to parenting.  Your daughter is truly blessed by whatever gives blessings in your belief system to have you.  I think you will raise a beautiful, talented child who will be thankful to have had you for a parent, once she gets through the horrors of being a teenager (remember--teenage angst is NOT your fault.  It's part of being 13-19.) and will probably be proud to call you her parent.

Eventually, your daughter may come to you and say "Mummy says you said this.," or something else of that nature.  It would do you well to have an answer relatively well prepared before this occurs so you don't say something in a kneejerk reaction that may cause longterm damage.

Other than that, it sounds like you have things under control.  Peace be with your family.