Thinking of telling my psychiatrist...

[Gray Seraph]

I've been thinking of telling my psychiatrist about my gender issues after I posted my introduction yesterday.

I got hit by anxiety so bad 6 years ago, though it was building up since I was about 14. I'm sure my psych has probably been wondering the real cause of my anxiety for awhile now. I guess it's nearing the time she should find out.

The first year I saw a doctor and was prescribed prozac for generalized anxiety, It didn't work, so I sought out a real psychiatrist.

For 5 years now I've been seeing a psychiatrist for my social anxiety, and at the time I thought that was all it was. I tried various medications over the years, mostly anti-depressants(which only seemed to make me feel dead to the world). Nothing would work. She said it's one the worst cases of social anxiety she's ever seen. So My psych suggested cognitive behavioral therapy(since nothing seemed to be working), but there aren't any nearby CBT specialists in my area.

Then about 2 months ago I came across an article about GID and it got me thinking. I searched online for stories, and found a lot peoples stories that seemed strangely similar to my own experiences in the past. 

I also came to the realization that most of my worst anxieties/fears are all rooted in my fear of my feminine side(which is stronger than my masculine side, yet somehow still repressed), and keeping it from showing in public or even at home. I've had to use all my energy to suppress it over the years, and it's taking it's toll.

I don't really even care much for my masculine side, yet I cling to it. I wouldn't mind sacrificing it for a little bit of happiness/peace of mind, which I've had so little of in my life so far(especially once puberty hit and things got more chaotic).

I understand what new hardships (like potential health risks) I'd be trading into, but than I could at least be true to myself(in mind and body), instead of being an empty shell of a person.

I just wish I didn't have to earn it, and it just makes it all the harder that my twin sister got a free ride.

I sometimes even wonder if when I was born my soul just entered the wrong body.

Anyways I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I need to face my issues soon, or it's just going to get worse the longer I wait. The worst being I could eventually even become suicidal again, though that never really went away fully.

That's also where I run into my problem, I want to tell my psych about my gender issues, but fear just seems to stop me. She doesn't specialize in GID or other gender issues, so it's likely I'd need to find a new therapist. I'd likely also need to come out to my mother at that point, for financial and emotional support.

The closest I've ever come with my psych was saying that I think my anxiety probably would've been easier to deal with if I were a girl(my mother and sister have some very minor anxiety, but it never bothered them). She didn't know how serious I was though. That may be a good starting point to break in my gender issues.

Any advice on making this process easier for me to deal with?
And anything important I should know before bringing it up?

[Wendy]

Hi Gray,

Thanks for sharing.  I can relate to most of your writings. 

The first thing you should do is go to a gender specialist.  However you need to feel comfortable with this person and you should also get some references for this person.  If that person does not suit you then get another one.

None of the meds ever worked for me and had many bad side effects. Unfortunately none of my psychiatrists were gender specialists and after my 20's I hide the gender issues from everyone including the doctors.
...

The reactions from various relatives tend to be traumatic for everyone.  Maybe you can sugarcoat your dialog with you mom.  Maybe you can say "Mom I love you and need your help.  I have had many anxiety issues and I think I need a new therapist.  As you are aware I am a little different than other guys and I want to discuss that with the doctor.  Can you help me find someone that can work with me?" 
Do not talk about gender issues to mom but rather you are a little different and it troubles you.  Let her think she is leading you rather than you leading her.  Most relatives tend to not understand this gender stuff and go off the wall.

You sound as if you are trying to make some reasonable and informed decisions.

[seldom]

First telling them is important.  Being honest with your therapist is key.
I would bring in the Standard of Care 6th edition.  http://www.wpath.org/Documents2/socv6.pdf

Say the source of your anxiety comes from gender identity issues and that you feel that you have been hiding them for years out of fear.

I know how it feels.  The sooner you talk about these issues the better.  For me I had anxiety issues from fear and from hiding. 

In this case it may be good you are working with a psychiatrist you have known for years first.  They know your psychological profile rather well, and it may be easier for them to explain things to your parents once you open up.  And I do suggest you open up.

Hiding for too long will hurt.  And I know your concerns.  I would say address this now before you become suicidal.  The sooner these questions are addressed, the better.

My psychiatrist and LCSW only guessed I might have it when I was in my teens.  I really did not know much back then.  I just knew I could not relate to being male, and felt more female inside.  But I had problems clearly expressing this out of fear and shame.  I started to figure things out better, but then I had to go college.  They did say I would have to deal with this issue eventually though, even if things did not feel right to deal with when I told them...they were right. The medications they gave me at the time did not work for me either.   Shortly afterwards, I looked deeper into TS, and I realized I would have to plan my life for the possibility of transitioning.  I was not comfortable enough to deal with the issues then, I was not comfortable enough with myself.  I was lacking something, the courage to face myself.  But I had the intelligence to plan my life for the possibility to transition.  It meant going to school as long as I could, and going into a career were I could transition.  It was literally ten years between now and than.  Last year I finally had the courage to face myself.  I realized there was little else I had to live for, and I would only be happy if I were a girl, even if I was not born one.  Living a lie for so many years became to much for me. 

If you have the courage now, face this issue.  I think with all your anxiety issues, your parents may be likely to understand when you do have to tell them. 

[Wendy]

In this case it may be good you are working with a psychiatrist you have known for years first.  They know your psychological profile rather well, and it may be easier for them to explain things to your parents once you open up.  And I do suggest you open up.

Hiding for too long will hurt.  And I know your concerns.  I would say address this now before you become suicidal.  The sooner these questions are addressed, the better.

Gray,

Amy has some great advise!  If you trust your psychiatrist for 5 years then tell her and let her tell your mom.  Let your psychiatrist recommend the gender specialist.

(However if you do not trust your current psychiatrist for 5 years then get a gender specialist and have the old psychiatrist send the papers to the new gender specialist.  Do not sit on these issues as they play tricks on your mind over the years.)

[Robyn]

We have lists of gender therapists at https://www.susans.org/Medical/Therapists_and_Counselors/

Robyn

[Gray Seraph]

Thank you for the suggestions,

I think the best plan for me is to at least try to work up the courage to tell my psychiatrist first, and fill in all the blanks and half-truths I  left her with.  I'm sure it would get a lot of weight off of my mind to tell her. Then trying to figure out how to eventually deal with getting further help and finding a way to break it to my mother(while causing the least damage possible), with my doctors help. My mother's already been very supportive so far with my social anxiety, but I get the feeling she never fully understood.

A letter from my psychiatrist to a gender specialist would probably also make that step easier.

After all I'm just starting to understand it myself, so I may need to give my mind a bit (not too much) more time to sort things out, before I'm ready to take the next step. Then I'll be better able to deal with it.

I should probably better familiarize myself about that document when I have some time.

I kind of wish I knew about all this when I was around 15, before things really got out of hand. At the very least I could've planned out my future a little better.

I really do hope I can find the courage to deal with this sooner rather than later, I guess I'll find out if I do soon enough anyways. If I can't manage to find the strength now there's still time to deal with it at a slower pace, since 25 is still considered the lower end of the TG/TS age spectrum. I can't just keep running away from myself, I know that much.

At least I'm thinking about it all now, and that's a good start, I just need to keep up the momentum.

Thanks for the list Robyn.

~Gray Seraph