Is it wrong to start hormones before coming out.

[Ltl89]

Hey everyone,

I wanted to know if it's a really bad idea to start hormones before coming.  I have the opportunity to begin estrogen in exactly a week and need to start.  I can't wait any longer.  However, I'm still not out to my family.  This is difficult because I live with my mom and sister.  People have told me it's best to come out as soon as possible, but there is so much going on lately.  My mom's boyfriend moved into our state, my sister has a big party coming up, fathers day, my father is moving out of state by the end of the month and I have a job interview that I need to focus on.  All of these things are occurring right around the time that I will be starting hormones.  I feel like there is so much going on that I can't wrap my head around coming out to everyone before the upcoming Thursday. I just want to start hormones and slowly come out in time.  Though, I plan on coming out to my sisters and my mom before the end of the month.  So I wouldn't have been on hormones for too long before I do so.  Is it bad to not tell them until I have been on it for some time (like 2 or 3 weeks)?  I just feel like there isn't a really good time for me to do it before Thursday or immediately after, so I would like to hold it off if I could.  I don't want my interview, my sisters party, and fathers day to all go bad.  So, I really want to wait till it's all done.  At least for my parents.  I might tell my sisters in a few days.  My dad is even more complex because he will have moved before I can tell him.  I think that will be easier for me, but it might be harder on him.  I don't know.  I'm rambling.

In any event, is it really wrong to wait a little bit after I start to come out to family?  Do you think it will have a negative impact on my chances of being accepted.  Thanks for any input. 

[Renee]

I was on hrt for a year before I came out to any of my family, so I wouldn't worry about it. If you were married, it'd be a different story. I think it actually showed them that I was committed to going through it by then, so there was no trying to talk me out of it or anything like that. And at the time, I was living with my dad...

[Beth Andrea]

It's actually a wise thing to begin hrt before telling others...this way you can come out to yourself (which is different than just knowing you're trans; self-acceptance is HUGE for succesful transition)...and given that some people you come out to won't support the decision, if it's already happening...there's not much they can do to stop it.

The one exception could be your spouse. S/he, being your "better half", should be included in what is about to happen.

imho

[wolfduality]

That's how I plan to do it. Be on HRT THEN come out to others. (With the exception of my spouse, of course.) I think it's really "better", in a way, because you can put yourself in the mindset of "this is happening!" and it's no longer a distant dream. You have a "change" to come to grips with and be able to find your "flow" without dealing with family trying to talk you out of starting hormones.

I really don't blame you a bit for waiting. You should do what YOU are comfortable with. Eventually you'll have to say something about your changes, but that's up to you to decide to "let them in".

Good luck on whatever you decide!

[Misato]

I saved the "difficult" ones who didn't need to know right away for when I was already into HRT.  Gave me the confidence to withstand any comments they might make because by that point I KNEW I was doing the right thing for me.

SO was different, she was included every step of the way.  She was difficult too but the relationship changes things.

[Jen-from-IL]

I was on HRT for a year before coming out and changing my name. The changes for me were minimal, so it wasn't difficult to hide. Just have to make your own decision, based on your own situation.

[ZoeM]

Keep in mind, it may be difficult or impossible to hide your HRT for long. Once you hit 'male fail' mode, people may begin realizing things without you having to lift a finger.

Also, you may not want to. Like anything good in life, once you start being who you really are, it gets harder and harder to stop.

[Tristan]

It is. I FaceTime with people who did / do this and use to MySpace with people who did it

[Ltl89]

Keep in mind, it may be difficult or impossible to hide your HRT for long. Once you hit 'male fail' mode, people may begin realizing things without you having to lift a finger.

Also, you may not want to. Like anything good in life, once you start being who you really are, it gets harder and harder to stop.

Yeah, I'm definitely not going to try and hide it for long.  In fact, I'm not planing on hiding it at all.  I just have so much going on right now that I don't feel comfortable coming out yet.  I'm starting Thursday and so much is happening before and after that.  I just can't have my mind preoccupied or cause drama that would ruin family occasions and or situations.

And you are very right about not wanting to continue hiding.  It's getting harder not to be able to be myself.  Because I live at home I can't leave dressed as me.  It becomes quite difficult (then again it allows me to avoid fear and rejection).  I was out last night in boy mode with friends referring to me with female pronouns while we are at busy restaurant.  It was very awkward because people had to be wondering what was going on.  It'd be nice for my appearance to match my presentation and pronouns.  Still, it will probably take some time before I'm comfortable going out as me.

It is. I FaceTime with people who did / do this and use to MySpace with people who did it

If I may ask, why did the other people who waited on coming out feel it was the wrong thing?  I just want some feedback.  I don't want to betray my family, but there is just so much going on and I feel like it wouldn't be right until after I already started (Thursday).  And I can't hold off on the hormones because I 've been waiting forever for this.  I will be telling everyone, at least my mom and sisters sometime this month, so they will know very early in the process.  I just don't feel like there is a good time to say anything before Thursday.  I'm not trying to hide at all.  I'm just trying to find a good time to come out and there doesn't seem to be a good time before my starting day. 

However, I'm aware most want to be in the know beforehand. I don't want to do the wrong thing and hurt my family.   Maintiaing a good and close relationship is important to me.  I just don't want to ruin my sisters party, ruin father's day and give myself additional anxiety before my interview.  I just feel like too much is happening around my hrt start date.  I don't know. 

[michelle]

Why would it be wrong to start hormones before you came out?    Each of has to deal with what life has given us.   Each of us is different.   I have learned in my life that you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.   That in the long run each person looks after their own best interests before yours and that their are some people in our lives that want to keep us as the see us.   These people resist and change we make.   People change religious faiths, interests, manner of dress, and political views, among lots of other things.   If you make any of these changes, someone in your family will be upset and may even disown you.

There may be even members of your family whom you least expect that discover that they are transgender and face the same choices in life that you do.    They will expect you to be understanding.   You have as much right to make changes in your life in becoming who you really are that everyone else has the right to make.   

There is really no right or wrong in this, the decision is yours.   What ever you do, please do not play the guilt card on yourself.  You have nothing feel guilty about.    Also don't let anyone play the guilt card on you.    If your parents or anyone else in your family going to come to you to ask your permission to make major changes in their lives.   I think, not.

[Ltl89]

Why would it be wrong to start hormones before you came out?    Each of has to deal with what life has given us.   Each of us is different.   I have learned in my life that you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.   That in the long run each person looks after their own best interests before yours and that their are some people in our lives that want to keep us as the see us.   These people resist and change we make.   People change religious faiths, interests, manner of dress, and political views, among lots of other things.   If you make any of these changes, someone in your family will be upset and may even disown you.

There may be even members of your family whom you least expect that discover that they are transgender and face the same choices in life that you do.    They will expect you to be understanding.   You have as much right to make changes in your life in becoming who you really are that everyone else has the right to make.   

There is really no right or wrong in this, the decision is yours.   What ever you do, please do not play the guilt card on yourself.  You have nothing feel guilty about.    Also don't let anyone play the guilt card on you.    If your parents or anyone else in your family going to come to you to ask your permission to make major changes in their lives.   I think, not.

I think I worded it poorly.  It's not that it's wrong, but I'm concerned that it will have an negative impact on my relationship with my family.  Still, the way things look and everything that is going on, it doesn't seem like there is a right time before Thursday.  There is an additional big event (a negative one) that just popped  up and it's now even harder to get out than last night.  I'm guessing telling most of my family this month even if it's a shortly after I start isn't that big of a deal.  At least, I'm hoping that's the case. 

[misschievous]

I came out to a couple friends that have been supportive but to anyone else I will wait until I can't hide it anymore.

[Tristan]

Most of them were either minors and getting there meds from the Internet or came from super religious families they knew would dis own them and they were just starting college with there parents financial support so they had to keep it secret. As they only saw there parents for breaks anyways. And one was just to scared to tell there parents because they thought they would be mad. Turns out not so much. They just thought she was gay

[Ltl89]

It seems like most here feel like it isn't a bad idea to wait.  That makes me feel much better because it will be easier for me to come out in time due to the everything going on this month.  I've been told family members will see it as a betrayal and it will hurt our relationship; however, all the feedback here seems to contradict that advice.  I think I'm just going to proceed with hrt and come out a little later this month.  It's just so much easier that way and I'd be telling them before any major changes would occur; therefore, I doubt it would be seen as a betrayal to come out a little afterwards 

Thanks everyone for the feedback and easing my mind