Hello everybody and thanks for y'all's posts.
@Alexander
What a fine and smart young man you are (and a rather good looking one, as well, I might add). You have banged the nail right on the head: It took me a very long time to sort things out, also because I am indeed of a generation which did not have as much access to info as the more recent generations do. There was no World Wide Web when I was a teenager, or even when I was in college... On top of that I got locked into a certain, very competitive sports activity from age 10 to age 18-19 by my family who only had dollar signs in their eyes, and therefore my emotional development was slowed down to say the least. Up until age 20 I had done only one thing in my life: practice 6-8 hours a day, 365 days a year, and compete at every event I could possibly participate in. I had no time for introspection and self discovery. I was basically home schooled all the way through. I knew nothing! I was as ignorant as they come, in all senses.
I did know I was not gay, because I knew I was not attracted to gay men, and I knew I was not attracted to men in a "from man to man fashion". I also knew I did not lust after women. I knew that all those magazines that had naked women in them, did not appeal to me, even though they seemed to be extremely appealing to my male peers. I knew my best friends had always been girls. I knew I was not into rough and tumble games and activities, growing up. I knew that as a little child I enjoyed role playing, playing dress up, and do other fun activities that are not stereotypically male. I knew these things I liked so much were extremely bad and my parents would get very mad if they caught me doing those. Even trying on a little dress was a major no-no. It was very bad and disgusting. My mother did not believe Martina Navratilova was gay because, and I quote "sie sieht doch so menschlich aus", i.e she looked so human... How can anybody who looks so normal and human be gay??? "Gay people and those deviants who dress like women to be whore and walk the streets, are disgusting!". Well, I did not know a lt of things, but I knew that I did not want to be a whore, I did not want to be disgusting, I did not want to walk some gross back street somewhere and sell myself to gross animal like individuals who end up killing you. I was just normal, at least in my own eyes and heart.
There was no publicly available knowledge about transsexualism back then. There were only gays and straights. I tried the gay route but I did not find it right for me. Where was I supposed to go?? Like Jamie D said: hindsight is 20/20. She is totally right. Thanks again for your help and support, Alexander, and let me know if you are ever in the Pacific Northwest.
@Shan(tel)
I am pleasantly surprised by your words. I am impressed by your moral and emotional stature. Thanks and I hope you accept my public apologies for having misjudged you. Greatness comes with grace, in not kicking people when they are down and not feeling Schadenfreude. You have shown greatness.
@Donna Elvira
Thanks for your words. I do agree with you and all the others who have suggested seeing a therapist. Unfortunately, my wife has never accepted to come with me to go see a therapist. I have been banging on that same nail for many, many years. Our problems unfortunately did not start with me becoming visibly female, but much earlier. Without going into too much detail, she has a very difficult relationship with her parents and she suffers a lot because of that. She is also a compulsive liar and gambler, she has gotten us bankrupt 3 times in the last 10 years. We also always had a not very affectionate relationship and we have been going years without any cuddling, kissing, etc, let alone anything more than that.
I hope that my not realizing how many TS women are actually lesbians did not offend anybody... I would have never guessed. I wonder what the stats are on that one aspect, i.e. how many are straight, how many are lesbians, and how many are bi...
I doubt my kids ever saw me as a model of virility given that they grew up with me and they are used to me being such a girlie. They have always been very well aware of my being a girl and they never really showed any akwardness about it.
Thanks again, I will once again try to convince her to go to counseling together.
@Sonadora
What do you mean "live" allies? I am not sure I am familiar with what a "live" ally might be. :-(
@AngelaTS
Zu allererst möchte ich mich für deine wunderschönen Zeilen bedanken!!! Es ist ja echt klasse so viele lieben Menschen kennenzulernen.
Ich schreib lieber weiter auf Englisch da hier viele mitlesen die der Deutschen Sprache nicht mächtig sind, also, in aller Ehrlichkeit muss ich dir verraten dass es mir viel schlechter geht als before I started transitioning. I had always been afraid not to be able to pass, I had always been convinced that I was way to ugly, way to manly looking to ever come close to being a passable woman, and so, when after only a few months on HRT I started developing into a pretty convincing woman, I was absolutely ecstatic. It was amazing to just be the way I was. Incredible. Such a nice natural feeling. People told me that even my eyes smiled...
Unfortunately my life at home was horrible. My wife was angry 24/7. She would go from restrained, badly restrained I should say, anger to bouts of fury, and I don't use the word "fury" lightly, WUT war das!!! It was impossible. My kids would just hide away together in one of their rooms and not come out. It was a tearjerker to see such little sunshines be visibly scared...
No, she does not honor jack, that is just the way she is, she feel entitled to everything that comes her way. Her parents have bought her cars, given her thousands of dollars, which she promptly gambled away (ja, wie man mehr als 100,000.00 Dollars innerhalb eines Jahres verzocken kann ist mir auch unklar, aber... Naja, ich lass es lieber), been there for her on many occasions, and she still acts like she is an orphan or something.
The things is, I don't think I really have any othet option at the moment, at least until my kids have grown a bit and develop a little bit of independent thinking. I mean, what do you think?
I need to take a break from the PC here, I will be back later
Thanks everybody, I really appreciate how nice and supportibe y'all have been. Please, forgive any ypos, I don't feel like proof reading the whole thing... Too long...
Andrea
